AIBU to MIL?

[BeginningToFumeALotAtMIL]

So...am I? MIL has always (to me) shown favouritism to DS. Takes him on days out etc. I've explained this away to DD by organising things for her or trying to push MIL towards dates when DD has a party to go to. Aside from that, we usually chat every few days, she tries to come to see the DC once a week (pre-covid), drowns them in birthday gifts etc.

In chronological order as it may be relevant:
17 days ago FIL was taken ill with bladder issues and had a catheter put in at A&E. I told DH about it and told him to call his dad. (He didn't). I called MIL every couple of days to ask how they were. I didn't call FIL because a) I never do and b) I don't suppose he wants to talk about his bladder issues with his DIL. Told DH again to call. He didn't. Rinse and repeat until DH got so annoyed with me and snapped at me so I stopped reminding him. Spoke to MIL the weekend before last, he clearly got a guilty conscience and called her immediately after I'd put the phone down.

Now... to what is annoying me.
A week ago DS deliberately pushed DD over and not-deliberately broke her leg. MIL sent a message to ask how we were just as I'd got back from A&E so I sent her a picture of DD and called to explain what had happened. I told her that DS had pushed DD and she said "oh, but he didn't do it on purpose". I contradicted and said that he very much did, although clearly didn't intend for her to get hurt like she did. Again she expressed disbelief, I said that DS had admitted it, she couldn't believe it, wished me a good evening and conversation over.

I've not had a single call from her for a week now. Nothing to ask how DD is. Not even a message. In contrast to when DS broke something (nothing to do with DD!) when she was asking for updates every couple of days.

I am so offended on behalf of DD that I have made a point of not calling and was waiting to see when she would call or message me. I asked DH if he'd heard from them and he hasn't. I know I should call and find out how they are. But the childish part of me is saying leave it, they're DH's parents, it's up to him, and they're clearly not bothered that DD is injured. Or maybe FIL is more ill than they let on, or they're offended DH hasn't called him.

AIBU and petty to not call MIL?

DSis and I were squabbling as kids (I was 12 and she was 7). We were pushing shoving each other, jostling to stand on one particular spot on the path in the queue for the ice cream van. She pushed in to me, I tripped over a different part of the path and broke my arm. It was a freak accident in an otherwise perfectly normal and unabusive sibling relationship. Or do you think my almost half my age and half my size sister was abusive? Honestly, get a grip people!

By the way you describe how you micro manage your husbands relationship with his own parents and how your MIL behaves, it seems you both have strong views on men v women which would explain why your MIL favours your DS.

It’s not domestic violence it’s an isolated incident of normal sibling behaviour.

My older step brother pushed me downstairs in a baby Walker and I cracked my head open. Still have a dint. I adore him now and we’re closer than anyone else in my family.

I wouldn’t tolerate the favouritism by MILMand wouldn’t ring her and would tell her why when we spoke.

Well Tbf sibling abuse absolutely happens. I was regularly terrorised by my older brother. Emotionally and physically. We are NC. Not saying this is a case of that but it's also important to recognise that there's 'normal' sibling antagonism and then there's abuse.

It does happen.

You're managing all the communication with the IL's.

You TOLD DH to call them, he didn't, you kept telling him and he lost his rag with you. That tells you all you need to know about how he feels towards them. Why are you even pushing him to do something he very clearly doesn't want to?

Leave MIL to it. She's not going to change how she treats DS and DD and you can't make her. DH doesn't want to be involved with them. I suggest that you do nothing about her now, and if she does get in touch think carefully about your response. Don't push your fantasy about loving grandparents and a cosy family relationship on to your DCs and DH, when they're the ones who'll suffer for it.

The elephant in the room isn’t whether MIL cares about DD but the fact that you have a DS that is inflicting domestic violence on your DD to the point of a broken leg.

Ffs! Inflicting domestic violence?! One sibling pushed another sibling, hardly an unusual occurrence.
Unless the op is about to tell us that the DS is 17 and pushed 6yo DD down the stairs? Or that DS constantly hurts DD?

CandyLeBonBon I'm not denying it does happen, it absolutely definitely does. But I am saying that the information in the OP is not nearly enough for the PP to assume it IS happening in this case - we don't know the scenario, the ages of the kids, in 'intentional' behavior or the intended injury or even if the brother is old enough to reasonably contemplate the potential for an injury of that magnitude.

Siblings argue and shove each other from time to time.

OP is clear the push was deliberate but clearly intention to break a bone, no.

@BeginningToFumeALotAtMIL your DH needs to lead this communication with his parents. Does he think there is an issue of favouritism too? If so then he needs to speak up for your daughter.

Sorry to say but it very much sounds as if you have allowed the favouritism to happen by letting your son go on trips etc with MIL while you ‘distract’ your daughter with other events / parties.

You need to stand up for her and not allow this to continue to happen. By doing what your doing you have, unintentionally, allowed this favouritism dynamic to occur.

I don't get why you kept pestering your dh to call his dad. That would have irritated me too.

Domestic violence? Jeez. What an over-reaction. MN is getting worse.

Your partners family let him deal with them unless they reach out to you first then respond and be polite. I'd stop letting MIL take just your son out it's both or nothing from now on.

I had a similar issue with a SiL. She loves my DS. Not interested in my DD. No idea what the issue is but over the years it’s got worse and worse. I don’t see her at all anymore because I was no longer able to cover it up and DD started to ask questions that made me realise it wasn’t ok.

I’d do the same as you and just leave it until your MiL gets in contact. Then I’d challenge her on what the problem is. Tbh I’d be reducing contact if the situation didn’t change, largely to protect your DD from the realisation that she not as important to them.

You need to put a stop to the favouritism. I wouldn't be allowing mil to take DS out again - it's really horrible when a relative obviously favours one child over another and children do notice and feel it.
I wouldn't insist she takes DD as well - DD deserves to only be with people who really want her around. If she cared she would have done it already.
Your DH is an arse for having a go at you when all you are trying to do is show care for his family. In your shoes I'd no longer do anything to facilitate any of it. Fuck 'em all - DH included. He can manage his own relationship or lack of it.
But definitely put a stop to mil taking D's out!

But the childish part of me is saying leave it, they're DH's parents, it's up to him, and they're clearly not bothered that DD is injured. Or maybe FIL is more ill than they let on, or they're offended DH hasn't called him.
It doesn't necessarily follow that they don't care about your DD. As you say, it could easily be that they are offended that your DH hasn't called his father and are now wondering why they should bother phoning to see how DD is when he cant be bothered to ring them.

Why are you even pushing him to do something he very clearly doesn't want to?
It might not be that he doesn't want to. He could just be lazy.

@Calmandmeasured1

But the childish part of me is saying leave it, they're DH's parents, it's up to him, and they're clearly not bothered that DD is injured. Or maybe FIL is more ill than they let on, or they're offended DH hasn't called him. It doesn't necessarily follow that they don't care about your DD. As you say, it could easily be that they are offended that your DH hasn't called his father and are now wondering why they should bother phoning to see how DD is when he cant be bothered to ring them.

Why are you even pushing him to do something he very clearly doesn't want to?
It might not be that he doesn't want to. He could just be lazy.

None of that is the OP's problem. She's not his mum, he's already got one of those.