Partners money contributions

[Wildflower219]

So currently I am on mat leave and I am due to return to work next month. I am having to return early due to financial reasons so my work pay will be the same as I was receiving on mat leave approx 1550. My partner and I have a baby and he gives me 400 a month but that's for everything rent food bills clothes nursery fees etc. So the way I see it is that:
Partner earns approx 1100 - pays 100 for child for other relationship and gives me 400 so has 600 left for himself.
I earn 1550 - rent and council tax - 780
Bills gas electric Internet TV licence water etc - approx 180
Childs nursery 170
Food - approx 300 a month as he only likes bottled water fizzy drinks our cat food alone is 60 a month.
And on top of that I am the only one to buy baby clothes out of my own money.
AIBU to ask him to pay more especially with him now starting nursery should he pay towards this? Out total outgoings is say 1500 a month to which he pays 400 towards this. Yes I earn 450 a month more but even if I pay that on top so I pay 850 and he pays 400 I'm still paying 250 more and clothing the baby separately to all this and I buy everything for the house I have bought him all his Christmas presents my money paid for nursery decorations etc.

Oh, if you do split up, you could continue to use the joint bank account to pay 50/50 of all child related expenses.

I genuinely don't think he does it on purpose I just think he doesn't realise how much it all comes to because he's never had to sit down and work it out. I was tempted to transfer some of the direct debits over to his account but I'd be worried they would bounce and not get paid

Then it is time to sit down with him and work it all out so he does realise.

If you approach this as a joint exercise with full transparency, do you think he will be shocked or surprised into changing his habits?

I genuinely don't think he does it on purpose I just think he doesn't realise how much it all comes to because he's never had to sit down and work it out.

Would you just cop on. He has fathered two children- neither of whom he is providing for properly.

I genuinely don't think he does it on purpose I just think he doesn't realise how much it all comes to because he's never had to sit down and work it out.

So you genuinely believe that he thinks £100 a month was him paying 50% of raising the cost of his elder child?

If that is true, you had a baby with somebody you believed to be so stupid they are not capable of being a decent parent. Or, if he and you knew that he was not providing properly for that child, as it patently obvious, why did you have a child with him and why are you now surprised he isn't a decent father to your child either??

I feel so sorry for both children.

I can't think of any good reason why you decided to have a child with this man. Why on earth didn't you sort this financial stuff out before!

Op what do you mean he doesn’t do it on purpose? Having anxiety or being dyslexic doesn’t mean you can’t understand basic maths if someone tells you. Nor does it mean you don’t understand where your
Pay is in the scheme of things. He would only not understand these things if he has additional learning needs.

The fact he’s a min earner doesn’t mean he shouldn’t pay his way, or expect to be financially supported.

Have you actually told him the total bills? Having these conversations is part of normal life, the fact you aren’t doing so indicates something is wrong. Do you suspect he just doesn’t wish to pay his way?

How are you paying 600 for tax and ni.

How many cats do you have that it cost £60 a month in food?! I have 4 cats and it's probably £40 a month?!

Anyway we split all the household bills equally and then the main earner because there is a large discrepancy in salary (by as much as 3x) pays the bulk of the childcare and food

@arethereanyleftatall

Easiest way is to put all your money in one pot. Pay all bills and everything for your child from it. Split remaining money in half. That's your personal money.

This is my view too.

@femfemlicious

How are you paying 600 for tax and ni.

Yes, I’m not sure on that, if the op takes home 1500, she is on about 22 grand a year, so her total monthly tax should be less than 300.

She would need to be on about 35k a year to pay tax at 600 a month and her take home would be about 2200 a month after. The numbers don’t make sense.

He spends more each month on cigarettes than he does on child maintenance towards his first child. Christ.

Op you only 'genuinely' believe he just doesn't understand because you, for some reason, love him. God knows why because you've had evidence since you met him that he's a shit father, spends more on himself than his own kids, and refuses to get a better job because it would mean more effort. He must be some looker or good in bed because he's got fuck all else going for him, and you would see that if you weren't being blind about him.

You need to open your eyes, you've had a kid with a waster. He's never ever going to change. He doesn't buy his own clothes for one reason only: he knows someone else will. It used to be his mum, then the ex, now it's you. When you eventually see sense and walk, he'll do the exact same thing to the next woman to fall for whatever little charm he has. She'll be buying his clothes then and paying for him.

Kick him out, get your pay sorted because you look like you're paying too much tax and student loan, and move on with your life, try not to fall for another wasters charms again either or you'll be in the exact same situation. There's literally no point to him. He's a pathetic excuse of a human who shouldn't be allowed to have children until he grows up.

Your partner doesn’t pays a pittance in maintenance for his first child and hardly contributes towards his second either. Sounds a right catch.

@Angelina82

Your partner doesn’t pays a pittance in maintenance for his first child and hardly contributes towards his second either. Sounds a right catch.

This.

He sounds lazy and selfish.

He should get the snip and not inflict himself on anymore children.

Why are you having a child with someone who thinks he has zero responsibility to pay for his children?

On what planet are you that 100 pounds is reasonable for his other child.

He sounds like a lazy waster.

Sort your contraception out OP and perhaps get rid, because he doesn't sound as if he has any intention of stepping up with either of his children.🙄

Protect yourself.

@Heyahun @animalmagic1984 @bluntness100 it's correct as far as I know 1285L my salary should be 28k but I used to do extras nights etc so would end up just below 34k and yes take home 2100 or so however with baby here I will no longer be doing those so will be 1550 approx. perhaps I should see if my tax will then change? Student loan is deducted from my wages by the company so I assume that is also right.
@WattleOn do u think 50/50 is fair though if I earn more? I don't think I would expect that as he couldn't afford it but I would appreciate at least an extra 100 as I seem to be paying over 1k
@polkadotGiraffe I think your comment is unfair you do not need to feel "sorry" for my child as he will always be provided for and I would work 247 if it meant giving him what he wanted. My partner is a good dad also and his kids love him they are at the age where they don't want for money.
@CakeRequired I think it's a bit extreme to "kick him out" I've been there done that with these big money makers but all they did was brag and go for promotion after promotion and it was so boring wasn't me. My partner albeit can be dosey and doesn't realise financial reality is funny and caring and I am as much to blame as after 4 years I've never given him the responsibility to have to be responsible as such as I've always just automatically paid

My partner is a good dad also and his kids love him they are at the age where they don't want for money.

Maybe the mother of his older child might disagree. Can you really not see the bigger issue here?

Again, this man spends more on cigarettes than on his child maintenance. He's irresponsible and selfish.

Of course he knows he isn't paying his way. He cannot possibly think he is. He knows he isn't, he would just rather you and the mother of his first child had to contribute more to his children's well-being than work harder or make sacrifices himself.

I cannot fathom respecting a man who spends £100 a month on child maintenance and £120-160 a month on cigarettes. That shows his priorities. Can you not see that?

You sound capable and hard working. I'm sad that someone is using you like this and that you're excusing his behaviour and even blaming yourself for a grown man not realising the cost of living... he does. He just doesn't care.

I lost all sympathy for you when I read that he gives his other child the princely sum of £25 a week.

Presumably this was the set up when you got together?

The warning sign was there OP.

No way would I ever entertain a "man" who thought so little of his first child in the first place.

This man needs to stop having children. How many does he have.

Yes younger children the,selves don’t need money, but they need for and shelter and clothes and books and medicine and toys and nappies Etc etc.

He can’t afford to provide that, and he chooses to spend what little money he has on himself.

I am shocked at your attitude to him. How is he a good parent if he isn’t providing financially? He needs to grow up and you need to have higher standards.

I don't think judging by what the op has written that he's a deliberate cocklodger.

But it does sound like he's found two women who understand he's not that bright excuse his uselessness with well pretty much everything, pat him on the head and say 'don't worry we will sort everything out for you"
Your enabling his lifestyle op and his other child mother is probably just the same
He's a Tim nice but dim type

@PolkadotGiraffe
I already deducted his contribution to his other child. That’s nothing to do with Op. he has £1000 a month. Of that £100 max should be his ‘pin money’ because £900 will cover his share of rent, bills, food. Just.

@BillMasen

As is frequently told to women on here, pay towards bills in proportion with earnings, so I make that 662 him and 878 you.

Yes but from his remaining £338 he also needs to contribute to food and things needed for the baby. Not just basic rent and utility bills. So at least £238 more. As I said he should have about £100 to play with as disposable income. A good motivator to quit smoking!

[quote Mmn654123]@PolkadotGiraffe
I already deducted his contribution to his other child. That’s nothing to do with Op. he has £1000 a month. Of that £100 max should be his ‘pin money’ because £900 will cover his share of rent, bills, food. Just.[/quote]
His "contribution" to his other child is £100. This is very relevant to the post because he is not providing anywhere near a sufficient amount towards raising that child, yet the OP decided to have another child with him anyway and now appears to be surprised that he won't provide properly for her child either.

[quote Wildflower219]**@Heyahun* @animalmagic1984* @bluntness100 it's correct as far as I know 1285L my salary should be 28k but I used to do extras nights etc so would end up just below 34k and yes take home 2100 or so however with baby here I will no longer be doing those so will be 1550 approx. perhaps I should see if my tax will then change? Student loan is deducted from my wages by the company so I assume that is also right.
@WattleOn do u think 50/50 is fair though if I earn more? I don't think I would expect that as he couldn't afford it but I would appreciate at least an extra 100 as I seem to be paying over 1k
@polkadotGiraffe I think your comment is unfair you do not need to feel "sorry" for my child as he will always be provided for and I would work 247 if it meant giving him what he wanted. My partner is a good dad also and his kids love him they are at the age where they don't want for money.
@CakeRequired I think it's a bit extreme to "kick him out" I've been there done that with these big money makers but all they did was brag and go for promotion after promotion and it was so boring wasn't me. My partner albeit can be dosey and doesn't realise financial reality is funny and caring and I am as much to blame as after 4 years I've never given him the responsibility to have to be responsible as such as I've always just automatically paid[/quote]
Someone who pays £25 per week in child maintenance is a "good dad"? Ok then OP.

Why have you bothered making this thread then op if you're just going to keep making excuses for him? He's a selfish twat who gives one child £100 a month and you think that's totally fine.

Carry on, stop whining and put up with it. You've made this mess, you either put up with it and shut up, or do something about it. But he will not change at all. Why should he, he's got you trained to do everything.