To feel judged?

[PriceEmUp]

About going back to work. DD is nearly a year old and I’ve gone back to work full time.

I’ve had so many “you’re brave” “why full time?” “I can’t believe you leave her all week!” “Do you not miss her every day?”

Of course I miss her, but I also don’t want to live in extreme poverty if we don’t have to. I’m starting to feel really down like people are seeing me as I don’t care about DD and am happy to just leave her every day.

I don’t really know what my question is.. maybe - AIBU to tell people who say the above to bugger off?

No matter what route you choose: sahm, working full time, working part time - you will feel judged- we all choose a path that’s right for us and our families that’s all we need to do.

Mums can never win. I got the same when I went back to work. My request for PT was turned down so I went back FT. But mums who choose not to return to work get judged too. It’s shitty and misogynistic.

you're going to need to develop a thick skin.

You do what is best for you and your family and let any judgy comments in one ear and out of the other.

If you're gobby, like me, you might say something like "do you ask fathers such bullshit questions" "butt out" "fuck off" "what are you doing to get your brain back to fully functioning?" (have used all of those...)

The best way of course is to smile enigmatically and get on with your day.

My plan was to stay home for a fair bit longer, until she was old enough to get free childcare hours. But A) I do miss work I have to be honest.. and B) we’ve had unexpected costs that means we are now totally broke so I don’t have a choice.

Your choice, when mine were babies (20+ years ago). I went back to work after 3 months but that was the norm then.

@OnlyFoolsnMothers

No matter what route you choose: sahm, working full time, working part time - you will feel judged- we all choose a path that’s right for us and our families that’s all we need to do.

I have done it all And have never ever felt judged.

It’s about the people you choose to surround yourself with.

I went back to work full-time (and a brand new job!) when my daughter was 12 weeks old.

Yes it was hard, yes I missed her, yes I would rather have been at home with her but we had a mortgage to pay and interest rates had shot up to around 15% so there wasn't a lot of choice.

YANBU. It's none of their business OP.

Not at all. Who is talking to you like this?

A woman’s place is in the wrong.

Funnily enough the more annoying comments have come from family.

I went back to work full time when DS and DD were 3 months old. Tell them to shove their comments where the sun don't shine.

Agree with essential. I have been a full time working mum, part time working mum, stay at home mum and childminder and there was always an arsehole with an unwanted judgemental opinion with every situation! They are in the minority though thankfully, so just ignore.

"Do you ask men that question?" is another good respinse to questions like this.

These people must know they’re upsetting you. How mean.

Ignore them - you are damned if you do and damned if you don't - I had to go back when DD was 18 weeks - I'm the main earner and earn 3x DH. I kept getting asked why I couldn't stay off longer until I pointed out to stay off for a year I'd need £50k in savings to make up for having no salary and who in their right bloody mind is going to have those sort of savings lying around! 🤷‍♀️

People - such as our parents generation - are oblivious to the costs of modern living and that most people require 2 salaries to pay the bills these days

@PriceEmUp

Funnily enough the more annoying comments have come from family.

Well then why don’t you simply say

“Look that’s really hurtful. Of course I’d like to spend more time with my daughter but I make the most of what we have and at this current time - I do need to work as much as possible to provide best life for her. Please can you not mention again”.

If they do... you start to distance

I bet they don't ask your DH these questions. Funny that...

I am due a baby in January. I will be going back to work in November - not only a 4 day a week job but also a full time degree.
I enjoy my job and can't imagine not working. My little boy has a good mix so far in that he spends 3 full days at home, 2 days at nursery and 1 day at each set of Grandparents. We can also afford a nice home, lots of holidays and activities. These things are important to me (and yes we still have and enjoy free days out - walks, beach, parks etc). Hopefully our little girl will also thrive with this set up.

My daughter is 23 now, and I went back after four months, in those days it was the norm

Which is really weird as eighty percent of mothers now work, way way more than two decades ago.

Which would indicate to me it’s your social circle. I’m really not sure of what you can say to these folks, other than to quote some stats at them or laugh them off.

I went back to work full time when DS was one! No one has ever commented on it. They'd be very brave if they did . Most women I know work full time or nearly full time though!

I work part time, generally 3 days a week but sometimes a bit more (I'm freelance). I've had the whole range of judgement. Some people think I went back to work too soon (two afternoons a week from when DD was 4 months), some people think that I should have gone back full time from when she was a year old, some people think that even at 3 she shouldn't attend nursery for the 3 long days that she does.

We do what's right for us having weighed up all the elements of our situation. People can think whatever the fuck they like!

PP are absolutely right - it’s damned if you do and dammed if you don’t. The fact is people don’t know the ins and outs of your specific family set up despite what they might believe. You need to do what’s right for you and yours.

Work would not let me go back PT after first DC. I was incredibly resentful, as all the other mums with young kids in my team and across the company were PT. And they hadn’t provided my role with any mat cover, so I was hardly holding the place together!

Just had to suck it up really, I got stick from people but felt it was all out of my hands for a while. Fortunately had a nicer boss and dropped down to four days with DC2.

@Jroseforever do you not see that your first comment is also laying blame at the mother’s/OP’s door by essentially saying she’s made bad choices and surrounded herself with the wrong people?

I bet they don't ask your DH these questions.
That's what I was thinking.

Fix people with a steely glare and simply say 'How rude.' Then change the subject.