AIBU to ignore friend's advice at the moment - she thinks I should see GP about DS's development?

[ShimmylikeJoanHolloway]

Before I start I'll just say, I'm not cross with my friend at all, it comes from a very good place without malice. Her DS is autistic, but it took them a LONG time to get in the system and get a diagnosis because signs weren't picked up on til much later on.

So she's genuinely well intentioned and trying to help.
However she has only seen DS over Zoom calls since the first lockdown started, and despite a few things she's raised I'm not overly worried - however I AM a bit worried that perhaps I am being too laid back and I should heed her advice more hence me posting on here.
He's ten and a half months and I think I should give it time as it's too young to isolate any red flag behaviours, but I accept I could be wrong and not wanting to see these things.

Things she's flagged:

• He twirls his wrists. He's done this since about seven months like he's conducting a mini orchestra.
• He doesn't point at the moment. He sometimes follows my point if he's not distracted but not all the times.
• He wasn't waving - but I think he's just started, he was opening and closing his hand at a worker in Tesco yesterday when she was waving at him. He also 'high fives' and if you say 'kisses' and kiss his palm, then say 'again' he will hold his palm up for more.
• He doesn't mimic as such. However he will smile back at you if you smile at him, and we do a little goldfish mouth thing at him which he will do back. But those are the only other things he'll copy at the moment.
• He doesn't spoon feed himself - he used to but won't now, he will guide the spoon in
• He doesn't hand toys to me or follow an instruction to get a particular toy - we haven't really practised this, I'm going to start
• He doesn't really have stranger danger, he's a very smiley and sociable little boy and is happy to go to other people. BUT if I'm in the room he will grumble and try to get to me, even if it's DH holding him.
• He doesn't really gesture, aside from lifting his arms and bouncing to be picked up.
• He loves toys that have flaps or doors you can open and close
• He's not saying any words yet but does a lot of mama, baba and sounds and is very vocal with these. *He's fascinated by a particular light in our house and grins at it whenever it's turned on or off - only that light though (I think this is pretty normal for babies, he's done it since he was tiny and isn't bothered by other lights).

I'm not worried as:
He's easily distracted
He responds to his name
He will find a toy if I hide it under a muslin (providing he hasn't got lots of other toys within reach and isn't distracted
He places things inside a pot and takes them out
He's very smiley and sociable
Although he loves the light he doesn't sit staring at it
He's constantly looking for me and will be playing, then crawl over and look at me, will check I'm watching when he's playing, looks to us when he's done something he's pleased with
He's developing in other areas really well so I think he's focused on physical rather than communication at the moment - he's pulling up, cruising, trying to stand, crawling, sitting (clumisly) from standing and sitting from crawling.
His pincer grip is good and he feeds himself with his hand, is a good eater and not fussed by different textures

Nothing he's doing seems to be a huge red flag to me, especially when I think about the things he's grown out of previously, or how quickly he's progressed, but I don't know if I'm being willfully blinkard?

you haven't said anything that doesn't sound like most 10 month old babies. Your friend is probably very attuned to looking for possible signs understandably but I would put it out of your mind.

@5zeds yes he is an only child also. And I would imagine that's quite likely. She really blames herself for his late diagnosis and the struggles they had inbetween so I imagine she has gone over and over things in her mind and attributed things she 'should' have spotted to his autism when they could have been usual development. It's been very very rough on her and naturally, I think she's a bit hyper aware now.

I'm just going to say to her that I appreciate her concern (I really do, she loves DS like her own even though she's hardly been able to see him!) but that I don't want to worry unnecessarily, so I've taken her points on board and I'll stay vigilant but until he's a bit older I'm not going to worry.

At 10.5 months there is no way they would be diagnosing autism or even seriously looking into it. Although some behavioural signs can be detected quite early, autism can't usually be reliably diagnosed until a child is at least 3 years old due to different developmental rates.

Two of the main indicators of autism are social communication and interaction, and typically developing children are so different in speeds of developing in these areas that you can't really diagnose it reliably any younger than 3.

My advice - don't worry. He will likely develop in his own time and if he doesn't you could start looking into it when he is around 2/3 years old. Anything below that point can just be normal variation in developmental speeds :)

(Source - I am a qualified speech & language therapist)

Whilst I feel for your friend ,unless it is abundantly obvious ( as was the case with my son he was diagnosed at three ) it can take years for a child to be diagnosed ,it's a huge spectrum ,and the diagnostic team need to be certain.

@wildraisins thank you, that's very useful. As you're a qualified therapist, is there anything I can do to help him along with his communication? Even before my friend mentioned this, I have the mum guilt that I'm not doing the right things with him

At this stage all you need to do is try to relax and enjoy your baby. He seems completely normal. Either tell your friend to cool it with the comments or smile and nod and let them wash over you

Your poor friend. I understand the guilt she's feeling - perhaps she needs to speak to someone about it as it's creeping into all corners of her life. I had PTSD after the birth of my son, and there are certain times I really have to clamp my jaw shut in order to not end up making other people worry unnecessarily. When something is time dependent it can send you into rescue mode, clock ticking, must help fast, and it sounds like she's in that headspace with you. What's hard (in both circumstances) is that there are triggers everywhere. Birth for me, and babies for her. Even with self awareness it takes a great deal of energy not to try and intervene. I don't know whether it's helpful for you to mention it off the back of her well meaning advice as she might take offense, I was told by a midwife (birth afterthoughts debrief) so it wasn't coming from someone who could hurt my feelings. Best of luck, with all of it.

He’s 10 months old. No one in their right mind would diagnose a baby with autism. Your friend is projecting, ignore her ‘advice’ and enjoy your baby (who sounds perfectly average to me).

Bless you, very kind of you to be so calm about your friend saying these things. You are right that she means well, but still, a difficult thing that she is bringing it up.

At 10.5 months just keep an eye out. I would say that list of reasons that your son suggesting your son is autistic actually has plenty of things that mean quite the opposite. Enjoying doors opening and shutting for example and the fact he puts his arms up to be lifted up.

I am autistic and it is very easy to see traits in others, especially youngsters. I worried for a time whether my dd was displaying traits. Now that she is 6 it is so easy to see that I was wrong to suspect little things because she has very obviously developed out of those things. There are no traits which are specific only to ASD, otherwise it would be easy to diagnose! You are right not to worry to much at this stage IMO.

As a parent of a autistic child and you say your friend is then she should know that 10 months is too young for a diagnosis.
At the 18 month check up it will be picked up if any concerns .
What does she hope to achieve my raising it so early ? It's not a illness.
It can take a long time for a diagnosis though because it can be difficult to diagnose or it was for me but my child is late teens now so may be different now but I'm certain that 10 months is too soon all children develop differently at that age .

Also the development thing my dc is severely autistic non verbal but he was crawling early waking before 12 months even babbling so no concerns apart from not talking . I just put it down to late development but it was picked up at his 18 month check up .
I've a nephew who was 18 + month before walking but is now so bright no development problems so I don't think you can compare before 12 months at least .

Just reading through, someone mentioned tip-toe walking. I did that. So did dd. Appparently it is to do with balance. I am autistic, she is not. Things just aren't that cut and dry.

There are bigger 'themes' that underpin the difference between my dd and myself. So yes, we both did a specific thing like tiptoe walking. But she can initiate (I mean get tasks/conversations started) and regulate her emotions, whereas I can't. She has an ease and better quality about her reciprocal conversations (I tend to monolouge at people!)

I think it's too easy to get bogged down in specific behavious (which I appreciate they do look for as flags) when it's the themes underpinning the behaviours that provides a bigger picture. If that makes sense?

Yeah my Dh has always tiptoed walking he's not autistic he thought everyone did that .
I agree it's not necessarily a thing.

I don't think she can accept that there wasn't anything she could have done earlier for her own DS which is why she's mentioning it so early

Yes, and that in itself is a really harmful way to think. She does sound like she needs it emphasising to her that she's not somehow failed her child.

I wonder if there's a way I can tactfully try to suggest therapy for her :-/
I did try before but she wouldn't hear it and I don't want to push too much

By the way, I hope I haven't offended any parents of children with autism. This isn't a horrified at what might be thread, more of a practical, do I need to be concerned and act to get the best for him, if that makes sense, but I've been reassured and it seems I was thinking along the same lines as a lot of people here.
I love DS more than anything, whatever lies in our path ahead he will always be perfect to me (apart from when he doesn't sleep, decides to clap my face etc haha)

To give you some perspective for comparison (I don't know if it will be helpful!) Your son sounds a lot like mine was but my son was 2.. These things were picked up at his 2 year check although I already had alarm bells ringing before this. Your son sounds like a perfectly normal 10 month old baby. If he is still the same in over a year, I would worry.
Take care OP and don't let your friend worry you.

@MissBaskinIfYoureNasty that's really helpful, thank you for sharing. I hope your son got the support he needed (and you did too!) and he's doing well now x

Your son sounds perfectly fine and is very age appropriate. Keep an eye on him but don't over stress yourself until he gets to 18 months. A lot of things change and I my experience, it all unravelled by 17-18 months for my DS as I had so many worries similar to the things your friend pointed out.

Sounds quite typical to me. He is still very young

Thank you

He's not autistic. She's projecting

Your son sounds adorable and he's so fortunate to have you as his mama

Your friend is projecting her own concerns onto you. It is quite common in these situations.

Don't let it get to you. Things will be picked up when he's a bit older, if there is something unusual. If she's quite persistent about it then I would directly tell her that she's making you feel stressed over nothing and can she please stop it. Nip it in the bud.

My dc is autistic. I’ve met many mums of autistic children who see autism everywhere. It’s a huge thing to live through. Personally I don’t think it’s therapy that’s needed it’s an appreciation of the enormity of what’s happened and time.