To not send expensive electronics on contact days

[Notsure2020]

Genuinely unsure what to do here.

Exh and myself seperated 2 years ago, he refused to move out and moved girlfriend and her 2 children within a week of myself and my DS and DD moving into emergency accommodation.

Exh earns a very high salary but is a complete misery when it comes to maintenence. I managed to get a court order just before lockdown however he has only paid once since then and the courts are very slow atm which is understandable.

He works away for long periods of time. My own father is an absolute godsend, he has a very close relationship with myself and my children and has helped out financially a lot during lockdown as I am still unable to work.

Last Christmas my father bought my DS a Nintendo switch. DS (8) is very good at looking after his belongings. Every time he comes back from contact with his father there is something broken on the console. Twice it was the charging dock and another time it was a button which had been pulled off. My father has paid a considerable amount of money to have these repaired. My DD (also 8,twins), told me that exhusbands girlfriends DS broke the button and frequently takes DS things from him and refuses to give them back. When I asked exh about it he obviously denied these things happened.

Exh came back from overseas last week. My father asked me not to send the Nintendo with DS as he was fed up with it being broken and having to be fixed all the time. No point in asking exh to pay for these repairs as most of the time he couldn't care less if they eat. So I sent DS to exh without the console and explained to DS why. Cue exh demanding that he comes and gets it as DS is very upset. I told him maybe to buy him one for his house as I am not sending it over for it to be broken. Exh is now saying that I am using our son a an excuse to be petty with exh and making a drama out of nothing and that because it's DS belongings then he should take them if he wants them. Normally I would agree with this but not when they are being sent back home broken. AIBU

If he wants one there he can buy one for his house

Thanks for replying. He won't do it though, he would rather DS was upset and blame me for it than put his hand in his pocket. He never buys them anything for birthdays or Christmas either. He thinks it should come out of the maintenence. So far this year according to my calculations he was stumped up £1.07 per day per child. He earns 60k a year tax free but apparently I'm selfish and grabby

Sadly I had to stop sending my dc's stuff. Even decent clothes as my exh was selling their things at car boot sales!! I kid you not.
The dc quickly accepted this was the way it was..
Stay firm op.

I just feel so sad for DS as its probably the only thing that he's got there to keep him amused as they don't do anything.

You need to explain your DS that his dad isn't keeping his stuff safe so he can't take it.

It's not your faults it's not your DS's fault, it's his dad's fault

YANBU. Buy him some puzzle books to take there.

YANBU. Be bright and breezy with your ex, just say you don’t let him take it anywhere outside the house. Don’t get into anything else just repeat and repeat. Explain to your DS that since he likes it so much it’s best that it stays in one place and that if it gets broken it may not be able to be repaired. I expect your DS is probably slightly relieved. Try to keep things neutral, I’d avoid suggesting that your ex does anything, but stick to your guns on this one.

DS seems to understand this, tbh I think exh was more annoyed that I didn't send the electronic babysitter with him. He just rips my knitting, he really does

Sounds like ex wants free child care via tech...

Don't send anything you are not prepared to lose or be ruined. If DS needs to be amused, let him take a book that you don't mind replacing. Let your ex blame you - who cares what he thinks, at least your DS can look forward to playing his Nintendo when he gets home.

Sounds like the girlfriend or her kids like to play with it...

I suspect this too Josephine. I provide nothing for them to take to their fathers as it never comes back or comes back wrecked. So DD wears exh girlfriends DDs old clothes which are 2 years too big for her. Now if we were talking about a man on minimum wage I could be sympathetic but we're not, he can more than afford to buy her a couple of primark outfits for his place. Up until last year last year she was sleeping in her old toddler bed that he brought down from the loft as I took her single bed for our new house. But he could afford a brand new million inch curved TV for himself. I'm sorry, I think I'm just so angry that he takes no pleasure from his children at all and they have to live like tramps at his. It's humiliating.

Him and GF sound like a right pair, fancy not even having clothes and a proper bed. I don’t send consoles or anything expensive like that, if he wants the console for electronic babysitting he can buy his child a tablet or console himself, sounds like he can afford £80 on a fire tablet. Stingy sod.

Just so you know insurance for that switch console is fairly inexpensive(few quid a month) I wish I’d got it sooner as so far since buying the £300 console within the last year ended up buying a new set of the joycons (£70) and a chipped screen (you don’t even want to know 😂)

Also don’t feel guilty - he needs to buy one for him for there 😁

We have bought my youngest stepson an ipad for Christmas and have already said that he won’t be taking it back to his mums as stuff just ends up lost or broken.

What a bloody shame OP, your ex sounds like a right piece of work. I agree with your decision but it might be worth looking online for some cheap stuff that DS could take with him that doesn't matter if it gets wrecked. Old Lego maybe? That's pretty bombproof and lots of people are selling stuff pre-Christmas.

They sound like complete dicks. We have everything my step kids need here including gadgets (bar an x box which stays at his mum’s). Your poor son. It’s good he understands, it’s a valuable item that he’ll want to continue to be able to enjoy. Just ignore your ex. This is what happens when you hate your ex more than you love your children, it’s really awful. You all deserve better.

Thanks for that Lowr, I'll look into the insurance and say to my dad about it.

I know it's just exh being a prick and I shouldn't feel guilty but I do.

Even with insurance don't send any electronics to your ex's. He can buy them things for his house. Honestly don't feel guilty at all your son will soon learn to live without out at his fathers.

This is awful. I can absolutely understand why you left him.

The girlfriend much be a real classy lady.

I think you are right not to send the device. Sounds like there might be a bit of bullying going on - it’s not that easy to break those things.

Anne loves Gilbert, you're the only other person I've heard say that quote, I said exactly the same thing to exh when he said to the court he shouldn't need to pay maintenence as I go to the gym (), you need to love your kids more than you hate me. You would think I was the one having the affair the way he goes on.

My DS is such a loving kind boy, i nearly had a breakdown when he found 2p in the street and gave it to me to help pay bills as we were 'poor'. As far as I'm concerned we are not, I can pay my bills, buy good food and put a little away but we have love and security here, something we have never had before so afaic we are more rich than sad ass exh will ever be.

Sorry, waffling on now

God your ex sounds like a shit.

Mine is similar in many ways, although he does pay maintenance, which is court ordered. I say he pays it, but I also had to issue enforcement proceedings at one stage. My ex hates buying anything. My dd is left carting stuff back and forward and having to be super organsied to make sure she has the stuff she needs clothes wise and in terms of school stuff. She’s 12 though so is responsible for her own kit and brings it back. There are no step siblings around, although his girlfriend is pregnant.

Ds is younger and ex is crap at making sure he has stuff there. He always wants Ds’ tablet but obviously won’t buy one himself! Have had to lock it down with every code going to make sure my moment isn’t spent on films for it!

Do they want to go to their Dad's op? I may be in the wrong here, but if he can't even be bothered to pay maintenance or treat them decently when they are they I wouldn't be in a rush to send them, unless they really did want to go.

It's shit isn't it the dowager, how did we end up with these knobs I honestly think by the time my DD hits high school she won't want to see him at all. He has absolutely no empathy or emotion in him and a few times she's cried that she doesn't want to go. He doesn't even ask after them when he's away for weeks at a time. I thank God he works away so I don't need to deal with him too often and that my dad provides them both with a positive caring male model in their lives.

On no Alexander, he has an image to keep up on social media where he has the big house and the big wages and look at my profile picture of me and my kids that time I took them to macdonalds

My DD has said she doesn’t want to go a few times, but she’s torn at the moment. She really wants a good relationship with him, but like yours exh really lacks in empathy and can be horrible.

They were getting on well in the summer - at a time when DS really didn’t want to go there - but he flipped out at her again (has happened before) and now she doesn’t trust him again.