To not send expensive electronics on contact days

[Notsure2020]

Genuinely unsure what to do here.

Exh and myself seperated 2 years ago, he refused to move out and moved girlfriend and her 2 children within a week of myself and my DS and DD moving into emergency accommodation.

Exh earns a very high salary but is a complete misery when it comes to maintenence. I managed to get a court order just before lockdown however he has only paid once since then and the courts are very slow atm which is understandable.

He works away for long periods of time. My own father is an absolute godsend, he has a very close relationship with myself and my children and has helped out financially a lot during lockdown as I am still unable to work.

Last Christmas my father bought my DS a Nintendo switch. DS (8) is very good at looking after his belongings. Every time he comes back from contact with his father there is something broken on the console. Twice it was the charging dock and another time it was a button which had been pulled off. My father has paid a considerable amount of money to have these repaired. My DD (also 8,twins), told me that exhusbands girlfriends DS broke the button and frequently takes DS things from him and refuses to give them back. When I asked exh about it he obviously denied these things happened.

Exh came back from overseas last week. My father asked me not to send the Nintendo with DS as he was fed up with it being broken and having to be fixed all the time. No point in asking exh to pay for these repairs as most of the time he couldn't care less if they eat. So I sent DS to exh without the console and explained to DS why. Cue exh demanding that he comes and gets it as DS is very upset. I told him maybe to buy him one for his house as I am not sending it over for it to be broken. Exh is now saying that I am using our son a an excuse to be petty with exh and making a drama out of nothing and that because it's DS belongings then he should take them if he wants them. Normally I would agree with this but not when they are being sent back home broken. AIBU

Do the kids want to go though? Doesn't matter what he wants ... do your DC actually want to visit him?

I would say my DS does but my DD wouldn't be arsed if pushed. They rarely ask after him either. If I did stop contact he would drag me through court and he would be awarded contact, there's nothing bad enough happening for a court to stop it.

I wouldn’t make my kids go. I wouldn’t send anything valuable either.
You can laugh at ex and say ask your friends if I should provide Nintendos for both your house and mine and if that’s what the 50p youve paid in maintenance should go on? You do realise that when people see our children with you in old clothes that don’t fit, they’re thinking that’s awful but they aren’t thinking it’s anything to do with me. They are thinking you can buy kids clothes at tesco, are you really that shit a dad?

Can you go through cms?

I think the issue runs deeper than the Switch tbh. It's the fact that he moved other children into their family home, hardly sees them, pays little maintenance.

I agree about not sending it. Could you get DS a cheap kindle to play some basic games on & watch YouTube? iPod touch are also good.

I bought a Switch from John Lewis & they provide after care. We had a fault and it was fixed free of charge.

Honestly though it doesn't sound like a nice environment for the children. Do they have to go? Your Dad sounds like such a star. He's more of a Dad than your ex.

Your delight of an ex resents every penny of maintenance he has to pay. The switch needs to stay at home unfortunately. I'd just gently explain that it might get broken beyond repair or be too expensive. And ignore the ex.

He earns 60k a year and pays £65 a month for 2 kids?

Doesn't buy them Christmas or birthday presents either. Why on earth aren't you getting more?

If he can't be bothered with them whilst they are there and won't pay, then will he really be bothered enough to take you to court?

It’s very hard because courts have such a presumption of contact, and staying contact at that. You need a lot to say they won’t go.

So it’s difficult to say the kids aren’t going to go because if you do, and it goes to court, then it’s likely to be said that you’re the unreasonable one.

That’s just what I’ve come across anyway.

I find it so hard because my dd is such an immaculately behaved child, who no other adult ever has a problem with, and he can’t seem to get along with her or treat her nicely.

If ds knows understands why he can't take it then do t send it a few days without it won't do no harm. My ds never used to take expensive things to his dads mainly because he lives 150 miles away so if left there he wouldn't get them till next visit 3weeks time or because his dad had bought him same for there.he's older now 13 an can take what he wants an bring what he wants from there aswell as he's older an knows its his responsibility. But I won't send it if it keeps getting broken if exh won't buy one for ds when their thats his problem.

The court awarded the children £750 a month maintence but he's paid it once this year and a couple of hundred pounds at the start of the year.

But yes he would take me to court for access, just because he can. Not because he wants to be a loving father but because its his right. Fuck his responsibilities, just his rights.

Yes my dad is a total star, I do not know where I'd be without that man but because my dad is has set the bar so high I don't think I'll ever accept another man in my life again. My dad was never a big earner but we had everything growing up, nice clean cosy house, good food, loads of clothes and toys, riding lessons, football clubs, amazing Christmases. We were taken out by either my mum or dad every weekend, even if it was just a walk round the shops and to a cafe. My mum worked 2 nights night-shift nursing and my dad would have the house spotless clean, dinners cooked, washings done, my mums wages were hers to spend on herself and me and my brothers. He still laughs it was spend within a week and she would be hiding his bank book so he wouldn't see how much else she was spending you couldn't knit a man like my dad. My exh lost his job the week after we bought the old house and my dad paid 2 months mortgage while exh sat on his arse pissed and feeling sorry for himself while I'm trying to get extra shifts to keep us afloat. He's fucking useless, sorry for swearing.

As my mum said and it's so true in this case, see whoever keeps his dick wet, that's who's kids will get priority now because I'm no use to him anymore.

He's an asshole. I agree with you, not sending it would be the sensible thing to do especially if I thought it would encourage DH to buy one I'd be all for it unfortunately DS will feel like he is missing out.
I'd stop it until Christmas and hopefully scrooge will come round.

YANBU

My ex bought kids their own iPads for his house. If I sent the ones they have here I can't guarantee they'd come back 🙄

Get him swifty back to court fancy fucker withholding maintenance not feeding his DC

Definitely get the enforcement proceedings for the maintenance going when you can OP. It’s much more straightforward if done within 12 months of the non payment.

That's what we're waiting on emerald, sadly the courts are taking ages because of the covid backlog. He now owes about 7k in arrears and believe me I'm going to get every penny of that back even if it means he does have to go bankrupt. No doubt he won't see the girlfriend for dust when that happens and he's got nothing left to flash.

Isn’t the house half yours? Can’t you force a sale?

I agree that it shouldn’t be sent. It is great that your DS understands. He was probably frightened before when it got broken. I think just mention next time your ex is away. Talk to your DS again and say you were so worried that it might not be able to be fixed and you would hate that to happen because you know he loves it.Then next time he is going to visit just remind him by saying “ Remember our little chat.” You won’t need to say anymore. I bet if her child has broken it that he is secretly relieved that you won’t let him take it. It really is awful how some fathers treat their children. You’re doing a great job and they are lucky to have a wonderful grandad.

Oh, I see. I thought from the thread title this was all about batteries and switchgear. I'm off to bed then.

Hi bower, there's no equity in the house, it was a new build and he hasn't maintained it at all that time, wasn't willing to get anything fixed that needed fixed or decorated etc, I wouldn't get anything out of it and I wouldn't be able to afford the mortgage on my own so he can keep it. According to DS exh and gf want to buy another house a few miles away. I wonder how he's going to afford that now he's at least 7k in debt and has defaulted the mortgage several times. Shows the brains the gf has that shes willing to hitch her wagon to a clown who put his wife and kids out their house and put her own kids security at risk but that's her problem now