To refuse my sons Dad overnight contact

[rainbowsong]

I have 2 boys 2yrs old and 4 months.
I split with their Dad when baby was around 2 months old. We were rocky before add a baby with severe reflux and it ended.

One of my reasons for leaving was that he really couldn't cope with the baby's constant screaming. And by constant I mean literally 24/7. He lost his temper once screamed at baby to shut up and kicked a hole in the door that was me done.

I know you'll all disagree but he is a good dad, I've never ever had concerns with him with my eldest (or me, that is the one and only time I ever saw him loose his temper in 10years) he adores him and was always hands on with him. He has the toddler for weekends and sleepovers. We don't have a set routine he tends to have him fri-sun every other weekend and depending on plans 1 night the other weekend. He comes to mine regularly in the week to see the baby. He always stays for a coffee at drop off/ pick up to see the baby.

He now wants to have the baby overnight the same as the toddler. Im not sure.. he still suffers with reflux and although not as often can still have relentless screaming fits. I'm worried incase he looses his temper again.

He says he won't, he says he was struggling with our relationship, his business struggling because of covid and the loss of his uncle he says he's getting support from counselling, I have no evidence of this so I don't know if it's true.

Am I being unreasonable saying no? My mum says I'm punishing him for a one off incident but what if that one off happened a second time and I'm not there?!

Do not use children as pawns in your relationship with your ex. He is as entitles as you to have overnight contact with his children.

If he kicked a hole in a door over the baby crying then no fucking way would I allow unsupervised contact at this point.

She's not? She said the toddler stays but she has genuine concerns about the baby who still suffers from reflux. Genuine concerns. Shaken baby syndrome is a thing.

@SeasonFinale

Do not use children as pawns in your relationship with your ex. He is as entitles as you to have overnight contact with his children.

What a shitty thing to say! OP has said they still get on and he’s a good Dad. She’s just trying to make sure their baby is safe, I don’t see how you can accuse her of using the kids as pawns at all!

I think I’d wait a bit longer if it were me OP. Both of my two had reflux and it is very difficult to deal with.

Protecting your child from the risk presented by an adult with a violent temper is obviously not 'using them as a pawn', FFS. What an attitude.

Baby is 4 months okd. I wouldn't give overnight contact with no issues.

What contact does he have with the baby. Coukd you work on building it up

Ignore the troll with poor reading comprehension above.

I agree with you. Trust your mother's instinct + your experience of the screaming and hole in the wall. Protect your baby.

Do not use children as pawns in your relationship with your ex. He is as entitles as you to have overnight contact with his children.

Makes you wonder if some people actually read the opening post and understand it.

I would tell him that the baby still has occasions where he screams and you don't feel comfortable for overnights with him at the moment.

Reinforce that you WILL want him to have o/n contact when the time is right for the baby, that it’s not a punishment or indeed anything about the dad; it’s all about what’s best for baby.

I'd start with letting him have baby during the day but only the toddler overnight. Once he's happy he can cope alone with both then in a few months increase to one night a month

@SeasonFinale

Do not use children as pawns in your relationship with your ex. He is as entitles as you to have overnight contact with his children.

There's always one!

He sees baby maybe 3/4 nights a week for an hour or so. He's taken both kids to the park in an evening before the dark nights but never taken him home. He can come see the baby whenever he wants I'd never say no or turn him away just concerned about him being at home totally on his own with them both. He seems in a better place but it's easy to put on a happy calm front for an hour or so at a time.

Literally two months ago he kicked a hole in a door because he couldn't cope with your baby's screaming.

Two. Months. That's nothing. Your baby still has colic and still screams.

Nothing has really changed here except he now feels he can cope.

If he is as good a Dad as you say, he will understand when you tell him no and that he needs to allow more time.

Regardless of the temper door hole incident I think 4 months is to young to be away from mum overnight. I'm happily married and my DH is a fab dad but I wouldn't even leave my baby with him at 4 months despite the fact that he'd be perfectly capable.

In these circumstances, I wouldn't. I would offer to revisit it once the reflux stops, but if he struggled to deal with a screaming baby with two adults around, how he going to deal with one by himself?

Is your baby still only 4 months old? That is way too young to be away from Mum overnight regardless of what Dad has done. Just say No.

No fucking way would I let him take care of the baby after showing he can’t cope with the crying. It’s not really a criticism. And no you’re not using your children as pawns some people on MN can be batshit.

Statistics show shaken babies are most likely to be under 6 months of age. He sounds like he's basically a good dad, but has anger management issues when tired. I'd wait till baby is sleeping better.

@Mumdiva99

Is your baby still only 4 months old? That is way too young to be away from Mum overnight regardless of what Dad has done. Just say No.

This^

I thought there was a guideline of only starting overnights after the first birthday TBH.

Babys too young for overnight anyway in my opinion, especially two nights in a row. Add in that he lost his temper and screamed at baby for crying I think it's fair that he waits until baby's alot der before having unsupervised contact

@SeasonFinale

Do not use children as pawns in your relationship with your ex. He is as entitles as you to have overnight contact with his children.

He lost any entitlement when he screamed at the baby and kicked a whole in the door.

OP under normal circumstances I would definitely say don’t use your children as pawns, but I think his behaviour adds a worrying dimension. You have to be completely sure of your child’s safety, in fact it shouldn’t really be something even have to think about.

@MrsWooster

Reinforce that you WILL want him to have o/n contact when the time is right for the baby, that it’s not a punishment or indeed anything about the dad; it’s all about what’s best for baby.

This.

Four months is SO tiny to be away from mum overnight, even without the problems you’ve described, It’s not even as if your 4YO can help, intervene, protect his brother or even tell you clearly if anything happens.

It’s just not worth the risk. Once the reflux has gone and the baby is older you can reconsider.

Nope. It's just too big of a risk.

I would allow him to ahev baby roubd his but possibly say. He still has reflux. Perhaps review it when baby is 6 months old?