Normal amount to see grandparents?

[MatildaSoul]

I have a 7 week old - surprise pregnancy so me and my partner live with my parents as we don't have enough funds for the three of us and there is much more space at my house and he has his own room here. The baby has seen my boyfriends family about twice a week since he was born and they are absolutely obsessed (which i do appreciate) I find it really difficult as none of them were very supportive during my pregnancy. The mother claims when she sees videos of him she could cry as she misses him so much, which just makes me feel guilty but she sees him often enough (especially during a literal pandemic, even during the national lockdown i'm organising walks etc but they still want more) and i'm very kind with letting them cuddle etc despite absolutely hating it on the inside, it feels like the novelty of new baby hasn't wore off at my house he's just my son and if i want to let someone else hold him i can but there i have to watch them pass him about all day and they're visibly itching for him back after a feed with me.

I feel like they see a real competition with my parents (who have provided EVERYTHING along with myself for baby and supported me during the lockdown pregnancy and relationship issues and all sorts!). They didn't buy anything before he was born and only have bought things for him at theirs are just desperate for us to stay at their house (we haven't yet despite asking me 3 days post c section). There has been a few comments made about hoping baby doesn't want me over her and also me being "greedy" with him. I am absolutely up the wall, and just don't understand why wouldn't you be happy seeing your grandson a normal amount and him being in a loving and stable home rather than the alternative of me and my partner being skint in by ourselves??

What is a normal amount to see grandparents??? Is this just a ridiculous way to speak/go on or is it just me??

Crikey that sounds difficult for you. You need to talk to your partner first and see what he thinks. Then you can find a solution together.

Greedy? Ffs, it's your baby. Tell them to pack that in.

Once a fortnight is loads.

Once a week would be plenty.

You really need to take a hardline stance with this. Sounds like you MIL is massively overstepping and will bully you into letting her play mummies again. Don’t let this happen. Once a week is (way) more than enough in my opinion.

@BlankProfile I have actually spoke to him, he doesn't see the issue said the comments are made in a light hearted way and they don't see him as much as my parents  just so different to my way of thinking!

@PiperPiper20 I know !! I don't want my life revolving round when they see my son!

I don’t think there is a normal. Depends for far away people live from each other, whether the grandparents work or are retired, what the usual relationships are like.

What is completely normal is you resenting so much pressure from people who weren’t kind or supportive before you had your baby, who act like you’re a brood mare who had the baby for them to play with and don’t count as a person in your own right who also has feelings, demand to have you stay days after major surgery, and try to guilt trip you for wanting your brand new baby close to you. Have you read up about the fourth trimester? The way you feel about wanting your child close and that panic about others holding him for longer than you want them to is 100% natural, normal, healthy and a function of your strong primal connection to him. 7 weeks ago you hadn’t met him yet but he’d been a part of you for 3/4 of a year. He barely knows he exists without you, he doesn’t need anyone else but you and your body and brain are behaving as nature intended so that you, his primary carer, can keep him safe. Your baby wants what every baby born has ever wanted, to be close to his mother. He doesn’t know it’s 2020 and his inconsiderate grandmother wants a turn as if he’s a doll.

If you’re healing well and it would he comfortable, I’d get a sling and if you want to meet them for walks just pop him in that and they can see him but not hold him. You’re not being greedy, that’s such a nasty stupid thing to say. I’d be taking a big step back if they’re going to act like your needs and wishes are so inconvenient to them. But highly recommend a sling if you want the half way house of seeing them but keeping him close. Not all slings suit all women or babies so try a couple.

Trust your instincts. It’s such very early days. You feel this way for a reason! If they’d made an effort to be kind and close to you before he was born you might have felt more comfortable sharing him but they don’t sound very nice so it’s even more understandable.

And find your voice. I got used to saying “I’ll have her back now”, or “time for a feed” (at 7 weeks it’s nearly always time for a feed), but I’ll have her back used to do it with my steely eyes. I couldn’t have given a shit if anyone thought I was being precious or greedy. She was mine and DH’s baby. We went through a lot to have her. I also had a CS which was traumatic enough. No one was keeping my baby from me.

@Winterwoollies this is what i'm worried about - i genuinely don't know what to say when she's saying she's tearing up through missing him after two days! that's my baby not hers

I'd stick to once a fortnight. Once a week at a push. If she's a boundary stomper then I'd be even more firm.

They're jealous because your parents see the baby more. We normally visit grandparents once a week and I think that's a lot.

I dont think there is a normal i guess, my wifes mum has yet to see our 1 year old because of the pandemic!

My parents see little between 2 or 3 times a week but that is because we use my mum for childcare, in the new year we will be putting little one in nursry, so maybe 1 or 2 times!

@MatildaSoul ignore any histrionics. They’re simply an attempt at manipulation. She is trying to get her own way.

Will your partner tell her to back off if needs be?

@AnneLovesGilbert thanks so much, i completely agree with you! that's just the reassurance i wanted!

We have seen my inlaws 3 times and my parents probably 5-6 times all year. We don’t live close by so we haven’t been able to pop over into gardens / go for walks like some familys do. Also issues with tier systems etc

hoping baby doesn't want me over her

That is NOT normal, you're his MUM for fuck's sake, of course your baby will prefer you. It'd be very wrong if he didn't!

They sound like they feel like the baby is a cute, adorable possession that they're not getting their "fair share" of. Such bollocks, a baby is a human being and comes into the world pre-programmed to love and be attached its mother more than anyone else.

He's your baby, don't let them play pass-the-parcel with him if you don't want to. Can your partner not intervene and protect you from his family? How old are you both?

They sound OTT but really, you bitching about how they didn't buy anything for him before he was born really isn't on. It was your choice to have a baby, so it's your responsibility to pay for it.

I'm in a very similar position to you. We're temporarily living with my parents because building work has rendered our house inhabitable, and my MiL is so, so worried that DD is going to bond with my parents and not care about her. She's really upset about it. It has been so important to me to remember that just because my parents are my parents and obviously i love them more than my PiL, does not mean they are more important to my daughter.

I think we, as parents, forget that for our parents and in laws, our children are almost as precious as they are to us. My dad very eloquently described the feeling to me by saying "you're my baby, and she's half you, so she feels like kinda my baby too." I found that so lovely, and it has really helped me find it within myself to treat my MiL with grace during this period of time. I think you should really try to do the same. This modern trend of mothers having almost absolute "ownership" over their babies is so bizarre to me. Lots of people love your son. That is a good thing.

They're being very pushy and weird. You're the mum, that's your baby and the only person your baby needs is you.

I'd do once a week and not entertain any contact in between. Your boyfriend can talk to them on the phone, send photos or whatever but it's not your job. Let them moan and cry to him. He needs to not pass any of it on to you, he's the shite filter. Once a week and give yourself space.

Also they aren't in your bubble so they should be grateful that they're even allowed to see your baby let alone hold him.

Fwiw I have a fantastic relationship with my in laws. They are wonderful grandparents. We visit regularly (pre covid), holiday together etc. They've always respected me as the mum.

@HavelockVetinari I agree! We're 23 with very little life experience lol

@Ohalrightthen I have no issue with the fact they didn't buy anything really, it's just the lack of any support at all before he was here emotional, financial or otherwise. And now it is expected to be 50/50 share out of the baby as well as the nasty comments and huge amount of pressure to see them more than I already am, twice a week and multiple times being told about tears after not seeing him for just one day through missing him, whilst during my pregnancy I was alone. I'm a very reasonable person and grew up not knowing one set of grandparents I don't want that for my son I just want the consideration that I am a working human with feelings that birthed him!

[quote MatildaSoul]@Ohalrightthen I have no issue with the fact they didn't buy anything really, it's just the lack of any support at all before he was here emotional, financial or otherwise. And now it is expected to be 50/50 share out of the baby as well as the nasty comments and huge amount of pressure to see them more than I already am, twice a week and multiple times being told about tears after not seeing him for just one day through missing him, whilst during my pregnancy I was alone. I'm a very reasonable person and grew up not knowing one set of grandparents I don't want that for my son I just want the consideration that I am a working human with feelings that birthed him![/quote]
I have to say i don't really understand this whole "support during pregnancy" thing. What did you want them to be doing?

Maintain your boundaries - it's fair for them to want to see the baby but that sounds OTT. For what it's worth, I love my MIL and even I found it hard when she was holding my DD in the very early days - I felt really bad about it and knew it was an irrational thing because she's great and I had no problem with my DM holding her. That meant that I tried really hard not to show my MIL how I felt and to let her hold DD as normal (but she was always great at not having her for too long, would give her back instantly if I asked for her, was helpful around the house etc). My feeling this way passed as DD got older so you may feel differently as time moves on (but perhaps not based on the other things you've said!) Hopefully your MIL will get less intense as time passes and she gets used to your boundaries. I'd also consider reducing seeing her to once a week or the expectation for the future is set.

There's no way they can have the same sort of access to your child as your parents do. You live with the latter. They simply have to be realistic about that.

Twice a week is loads. As has been said, there is no normal. My own kids' grandparents lived 1.5/2.5 hours away, so what was normal for us back then was very different for what's normal for me and my granddaughter who lives 20 minutes away.
And what's normal for me now, while my daughter is on maternity leave is going to be different from when she's back at work and won't have the time to pop in or invite me to meet her for a coffee.

They need to be told that it's impossible for you to match time with them with the time you have with your parents. Maybe point out that they get the quality time twice a week, while your parents just get the humdrum stuff and being woken every night. And maybe remind them that many GPs live hours away from the GCs. They're still fortunate compared to most.

@Ohalrightthen It was a very negative experience, I won't go into detail as I don't want to but it was a really traumatising time for me. I appreciate your opinion but I'm not an unreasonable person and despite comments which have upset me amongst other things I am still acting in a very kind way towards them which I'm sure other people wouldn't. You seem determined to critique my high exceptions of how I should have been treat/treated while carrying and mothering their grandson who is very very important to them, whilst I only see it as equal to the high expectations they hold of me.

@KatieKat88 Yes it can be so difficult, regardless of who's got him sometimes I just want him back! But I can say that to my family and don't feel like I can to them!

Hopefully it will pass, I don't want to feel like this haha

@MatildaSoul then you need to have a backbone, and assert yourself. Or if you're unable to do that, speak to your partner and get him to do it. If he's unable to, then you've learnt something very valuable about his priorities and should take that into account going forwards.

I may be being harsh, and i apologise, but i have to say your comment about them not buying things for your baby before he was even born really rubbed me the wrong way, as did the comparison to your parents.

What your dad was lovely Ohalrightthen but the difference is he loves you, you feel and know he loves you, the love he feels for your child is an extension of that. OP didn’t feel loved or particularly welcomed or supported by her partner’s parents and still feels they don’t like her as a person in her own right - they only care about what they can get from her, which is her baby. They don’t care that she’s happy or comfortable, they make critical comments, suggest she’s unreasonable and seem to have forgotten she had a huge operation less than two months ago.

Yes they may feel the baby is an extension of their son but OP is the baby’s equal parent, the one who’s been through pregnancy and surgery so they can have a cuddle, and she has a right to feel her position and feelings are respected.

@AnneLovesGilbert i completely see what you're saying, but i really disagree with your point about pregnancy and surgery - none of that is relevant once the baby is born. The baby is a person in it's own right, not an extension of it's mother, and her trauma shouldn't have any bearing on the child's relationships with other people!