Normal amount to see grandparents?

[MatildaSoul]

I have a 7 week old - surprise pregnancy so me and my partner live with my parents as we don't have enough funds for the three of us and there is much more space at my house and he has his own room here. The baby has seen my boyfriends family about twice a week since he was born and they are absolutely obsessed (which i do appreciate) I find it really difficult as none of them were very supportive during my pregnancy. The mother claims when she sees videos of him she could cry as she misses him so much, which just makes me feel guilty but she sees him often enough (especially during a literal pandemic, even during the national lockdown i'm organising walks etc but they still want more) and i'm very kind with letting them cuddle etc despite absolutely hating it on the inside, it feels like the novelty of new baby hasn't wore off at my house he's just my son and if i want to let someone else hold him i can but there i have to watch them pass him about all day and they're visibly itching for him back after a feed with me.

I feel like they see a real competition with my parents (who have provided EVERYTHING along with myself for baby and supported me during the lockdown pregnancy and relationship issues and all sorts!). They didn't buy anything before he was born and only have bought things for him at theirs are just desperate for us to stay at their house (we haven't yet despite asking me 3 days post c section). There has been a few comments made about hoping baby doesn't want me over her and also me being "greedy" with him. I am absolutely up the wall, and just don't understand why wouldn't you be happy seeing your grandson a normal amount and him being in a loving and stable home rather than the alternative of me and my partner being skint in by ourselves??

What is a normal amount to see grandparents??? Is this just a ridiculous way to speak/go on or is it just me??

I saw my grandparents once, maybe twice a year.

@Ohalrightthen you might feel different if your MIL accused you of being greedy with your own child. I suspect your benevolence would be somewhat more sparing.

I also vehemently disagree with your slightly bonkers comment that surgery is irrelevant after the fact. Three days after my CS, if anyone tried to guilt trip me into doing something that suited only them, I’d have told them to fuck right off. I had an elective but Jesus Christ, it is 9+ layers of incision and staples and it’s raw.

@Ohalrightthen rereading your comment I may have misunderstood. However, it is major surgery and three days later you’re raw and want to be laying in bed holding your wrinkly little baby, not sitting, in pain, on your in-laws sofa while they hog your baby.

@Winterwoollies thank you

You can't be "greedy" with your own newborn, that is a daft thing to say, and all the tearing up sounds really OTT. If they're local seeing them once a week should be fine, they can't expect to see them as much as your own parents that you live with, think your DP needs to reassure your MIL that she will still have a good bond with your baby despite not being there all the time. Your DP may not be used to challenging his mother at 23, I know I wasn't, but as he is a father now he will need to step up and look out for all your needs as a family if his family are getting carried away. I think you need to keep talking to him about this and ask him to deal with his family if they are upsetting you.

If saying this emotionally manipulative stuff to you over phone, text or social media then do reduce how often you respond and see them. You have a 7 week old baby, even going to the toilet a challenge never mind expecting to visit other grandparents twice a week. Tough if not fair, they don't get an equal share and you are likely still finding your feed as new parents. Really need to start enforcing ground rules and boundaries. Maybe get your parents to help you get boundaries in place. Stop answering phone to them or simple "yes, no, that doesnt work for us". Right now you will be vulnerable. Partner needs to back you too. What you are feeling is not unreasonable but what the paternal side are doing is way too much. I wouldn't have coped with it.

Stop sending photos and video to them, stop giving updates and go as low contact as you can get away with. If they are doing this now, i can only imagine they will get worse. Get your parents to help with setting boundaries for both your partner and the difficult grandparents, right now living with your parents you have home advantage and they likely have lived long enough to know how hard the early days with kids are and how to navigate difficult people.

Twice a week sounds FAR too often! Especially given the histrionic behaviour.

I had similar issues with my in laws seriously overstepping the lines for the first few months. The crying from MIL, being told I was selfish after a horrific and traumatic birth as we asked to have a few days to get our heads round what had happened and adjust to being parents. They demanded daily photos and we would get a complaint message if we didn't (awful we were looking after our baby and not taking millions of photos to send to them!) MIL grabbing baby off us for hours at a time, constant digs at our parenting choices.

It came to a head after a few months when I told DH my MH was suffering as a result of keeping them happy, that we needed rules in place to give us back the control. So now the visit every 6-8 weeks on our terms (they were turning up hours early and complaining we were out 🤷‍♀️ which we would tell them! And after 3 attempts they got the rules!)

They have calmed down now but are intense. I know they love their DGS, and it's their way of wanting to be in his life. We accept that we aren't important to them. But our DS is loved which is the main thing.

So my advice is, they will hopefully calm down. But take back the control. Someone mentioned the sling- get one I use mine still so much partly because I love having my DS close and him to see things at our height better, I feel safer with him closer to me at the moment with covid (why do people assume it's ok to just put their face into your child's space?!?!). It stops the I want to push pram and then them walking off! And finally my last straw was when I was told I'm basically raising my child to be a spoilt out of control monster- I got hold of some easy read info and got DH to send it to her with why these were our parenting choices. She hasn't challenged us again.

I have the same with in laws. Even saying that my son was mine but my daughter is theirs. Honestly covid saved me from dealing with that situation. When they make comments similar to your mils tearing up through missing... I just don't reply it... Nothing I can really say when it's constant. I'm bf (she's 4 months) and mil asked when I will give formula so she can have her. Just nuts. So you have my sympathy. They also see us loads and I don't prevent cuddles etc.

I think that you’ll be happy in a years time when you go back to work or have another child and you need free childcare.
It’s a bit OTT but just stick to your guns. I’d love it if my parents wanted to be as involved in my children’s lives. Certainly makes having your own life easier when they are older.

I would use the pandemic as a little break to get my head straight and some clarity if I was you. You don’t live with them so shouldn’t go to there’s or really let them hold a newborn right now I’d stick to FaceTime for a few weeks as recommended from your health visitor they are jealous and projecting and you have enough of your own hormones to deal with 7 weeks post birth! Take it easy on yourself

There is no normal. I wonder if the pandemic has impacted them with regard to feeling secure/insecure/anxieties etc. Also your son is likely representing their missing their son.

It will likely get better when you don't live with your parents.

I think since they are local 1-2x a week is plenty enough. I imagine things will settle down over the coming weeks and months. Maybe a little comment about how lucky your dc is to have such lovely grandparents and that they are local as so many only see theirs a few times a year may help them recognise what they have and not what they wish they had.

I loved what @AnneLovesGilbert advised.
I think your dp needs to let them make contact through him and back off from you. The important thing is the health - mental and physical of you and your dp and your baby. They are putting too much pressure on you and need to be told this.
I also understand your comments about them not being supportive during your pregnancy. It isn't about what they did or didn't buy, I think that's just illustrative, it sounds as though they tried to make life very difficult for you and now are expecting it to all be forgotten.
It might be worth talking this through with your Health Visitor.

The sooner you get your own place, the better. It's all very well your parents providing everything but they'd do better to provide you with a bit of financial injection to be independent. A seven week old doesn't need his own room!

Tell your 'boyfriend's' parents that you find them constantly harping on about your situation quite stressful and embarrassing; they see their grandson a lot and shouldn't be in competition, it serves no purpose. However they probably don't realise they are doing it. Maybe they could help you get your own place, you are grown up people after all and others on low income manage somehow.