Sending kids to nursery

[ThatsBullshirt]

I have a small business from home and two small kids. DS1 is four and due to Covid we decided not to send him to nursery at the beginning of the school year. If we don't send him now he'll lose his spot and won't go at all. We knew that this was a possibility when we decided not to send him initially but now that our hand is being "forced" I don't know how to feel about it.

He would absolutely benefit from the social aspect of nursery. I think it's fair to say all kids do. He's fairly confident but takes a little while to warm up to people and is worried/scared to be away from me sometimes. Learning wise, I feel like he's doing pretty well from home.

My biggest issue obviously is covid. I know that they say transmission rates in the young is very low and if they do get it symptoms are very mild. But we are back in lockdown/on tiered systems now because the virus has gotten worse again. Worse than in August when we originally made the decision to keep him home as I am at home anyway. We do have elderly and vulnerable people in our family that I obviously want to keep as safe as possible.

Whilst I know that nursery is good for children in many ways, I never went and I turned out alright 😂 did fine academically at school, was shy but made friends pretty easily - and my son has 100x more confidence than I did at his age and probably do even now!

Am I being totally unreasonable to want to keep him home?

I know that the plural of anecdotes is not data but just to add my view here, I wasnt sent to nursery ir playgroup or anything and my mum delayed my school start so I was 5 and 2 months when I started school.

Academically I was fine - straight As throughout, first class degree from one of the best universities in the country

Socially - awful. Even now I'm anxious in groups. I used to cry every day in assembly.

Please send him if you can.

@gallbladderpain

Many children attend school without having had any preschool or nursery education ! He is 4 years old for god's sake....in other countries there isn't even formal education at this age ! For what it's worth OP my DD did attend preschool from September 19 until early March when covid because a thing. (I have another child who went to school with no preschool education and they settled in straight away from day 1 and there has never been an issue) During that space of time due to her health she missed out on a lot of preschool infact she was off more than what she attended. We are currently home educating due to covid 19 and her own personal health issues we are also home ed our elder child due to covid 19. There has been no detriment to the children's education we are actively in contact with school and both children are meeting and excelling their targets. Yes it may take her a little longer to settle in when she eventually starts school but at only 4 years old she has many many many years ahead of her for that to happen !

Thank you. Whilst it feels like everyone send their kids to nursery nowadays it definitely isn't the case and I think many people forget that. It wasn't until families had two working parents that it really became a thing. I'm fortunate that I can be home with my children and that I can dedicate time every day to do some educational play/learning.

@OhToBeASeahorse

I know that the plural of anecdotes is not data but just to add my view here, I wasnt sent to nursery ir playgroup or anything and my mum delayed my school start so I was 5 and 2 months when I started school.

Academically I was fine - straight As throughout, first class degree from one of the best universities in the country

Socially - awful. Even now I'm anxious in groups. I used to cry every day in assembly.

Please send him if you can.

I'm sorry to hear that. I have social anxiety and I find it rough sometimes but it 100% does not stem from me not going to nursery. It was something I developed in my early teens. I've always been shy though.

My son is nothing like me in that regard. He is just like his dad and is a wee, confident kid. He says hello to everyone he meets and will talk the ear off anyone who gives him half a chance.

I'm not holding him back either. He's actually only four this month (I've rounded up) and will be starting school while he's 4y9m.

I think as an older 4 year old, social contact will be really important. If he was a few months younger, he’d be in school playing with peers every day etc. I’ve got a 4 year old in school and the stimulation she gets from her peers is very different to being at home. She is much more physical in the way she plays, much more imaginative etc. Could you think about sending him to a forest school where the risks (because of being outside) are lower? I think it would be really hard to start school without having been in a nursery environment. He sounds like he’ll be ahead academically when we start but it will be the social side that could be a massive shock to the system.

Errors @ThatsBullshirt

You quoted me and still quoted me wrong. I said "you are doing him a bit of a disservice" nowhere near as strong as "a serious disservice " so please do not misquote people like this.

I said yes have a serious think as there is a lot more to nursery than just academics. All the micro cues in social interaction he will be picking up on, the confidence building etc..... but thats just my opinion.

My apologies, I misread it. I still don't think I'm doing him a disservice but fair enough.

My 2 year old was miserable when nursery closed to most children, and is much happier and sleeps better now he's got the extra stimulation 2 days a week. Just as an example. However I am in the SW and nursery haven't had a case despite being open for keyworkers throughout. He went back in July.

@Ratatcatt Forgive me if I've gotten confused by what you mean "an older 4 year old" but as he is born in November he'll be one of the younger children in his class. We can't send him to a forest school as there are none near us and we are talking about a place he already has at a "normal" nursery

You’ve posted in AIBU, but you don’t seem to be very happy with people suggesting that you are being unreasonable...

I would send him, personally. I think it’s a big jump for children to go from being at home every day to being at school every day. Even a couple of days a week would be beneficial as he’d get used to the structure of things.

You’ve also said about your son;

He's fairly confident but takes a little while to warm up to people and is worried/scared to be away from me sometimes.

But then

My son is nothing like me in that regard. He is just like his dad and is a wee, confident kid. He says hello to everyone he meets and will talk the ear off anyone who gives him half a chance.

Obviously I don’t know your son, but they seem to be quite different statements?

Very simple answer from me... Send him to nursery. He'll love it.

I think he will struggle a lot to go from being at home to being at school full time. It’s exhausting even for children who are used to being in nursery five days a week, for twelve hours a day.

[quote ThatsBullshirt]@Ratatcatt Forgive me if I've gotten confused by what you mean "an older 4 year old" but as he is born in November he'll be one of the younger children in his class. We can't send him to a forest school as there are none near us and we are talking about a place he already has at a "normal" nursery[/quote]
Which country are you in?

@HalfTermHalfTerm

You’ve posted in AIBU, but you don’t seem to be very happy with people suggesting that you are being unreasonable...

I would send him, personally. I think it’s a big jump for children to go from being at home every day to being at school every day. Even a couple of days a week would be beneficial as he’d get used to the structure of things.

You’ve also said about your son;

He's fairly confident but takes a little while to warm up to people and is worried/scared to be away from me sometimes.

But then

My son is nothing like me in that regard. He is just like his dad and is a wee, confident kid. He says hello to everyone he meets and will talk the ear off anyone who gives him half a chance.

Obviously I don’t know your son, but they seem to be quite different statements?

Firstly, I did post in AIBU to hear the stronger opinions because I know how I feel for the most part and wanted to hear other opinions. I'm sure I'm allowed to "argue" my case for the opposite. People are welcome to have different opinions. It's a discussion.

As for the bits you have quoted I did say "sometimes". Sometimes he struggles to be away from me. Sometimes he feels shy. Sometimes he's quite. More often than not he is waving to people and chatting away. I don't know about you but I'm that way too, only reversed.

I think you should follow your instincts, OP.

FWIW, I was sent to nursery, and it didn't stop me being an extremely socially anxious child. Genes seem to be responsible for a lot. Your DS will be fine whatever you do.

I think you're being completely unreasonable if you're taking the space but not using it, especially if there is a waiting list or another child was turned away because you refuse to give up the spot.

Either you're comfortable sending him or you're not. If you're not, fine, give up the space and keep him at home. I don't see the situation changing with Covid any time soon, even with the vaccination of the over 50s. I don't think there's anything anyone here can say to change your mind, nor should they, he's your child. My children have been back in nursery/school since August, as have I as I work in one. I am comfortable with the risks.

@SparklyOwl Scotland.

@makingmammaries Thank you. I think I do need to hear that whatever decision my husband and I come to he'll be fine. It's such an anxious time. I just want to do right by him and the rest of my family.

ThatsBullshirt Sorry I assumed you were in England and would have an autumn born (I.e) if he was a bit younger he would have been in school. Where are you based as that location bias may well be influencing other responses. But, I’d have no doubt in sending him tbh.

@Craiglang

I think you're being completely unreasonable if you're taking the space but not using it, especially if there is a waiting list or another child was turned away because you refuse to give up the spot.

Either you're comfortable sending him or you're not. If you're not, fine, give up the space and keep him at home. I don't see the situation changing with Covid any time soon, even with the vaccination of the over 50s. I don't think there's anything anyone here can say to change your mind, nor should they, he's your child. My children have been back in nursery/school since August, as have I as I work in one. I am comfortable with the risks.

I would just like to point out that the nursery told us they would "keep the space" for him. When we applied for the nursery space there was no Covid in the UK, we didn't selfishly take a spot we never intended on using. There has been no waiting list and no child has been refused a spot because of my son. They are only asking us to either send him now or not to FREE up a space.

Children need to interact with peers their own age and at present, nursery is the best way to provide that in the absence of many children's groups and activities. Part of a group dynamic is learning to be around children that you would not naturally fabour.

Most children do have access to some kind of nursery/pre-school provision and it's the group setting and routine that is valuable preparation for school.

Children often have disruption from minor illnesses like colds or chicken pox as their immune systems are exposed to groups. Better at nursery than school. To this age group, Covid is in the same league as the usual range of illnesses.

@SendHelp30

Can he write his name and count and are you teaching him to read phonetically? Does he do a range of age suitable educational activities daily? I think nursery is important at 4 to get used to the structure of there school day and being away from parents as much as the obviously important social & academic benefits. Has he ever spent days away from you?

OP he really doesn't need to do any of these things until he starts school, although you could work on a pencil grip by drawing and doing a bit of phonics if he'll engage. But no pressure until he starts school. It does make settling in a little easier when he starts reception

I'm a little confused here. Where are you in the UK, because if your son is 4 then thats reception not nursery. Most children where I am start school age 4 (not 5) and start in reception. And thats a world of difference from Nursery.

Lots of Early Years goals they have in reception have fuck all to do with academic learning and much more to do with social skills. In fact they did very little properly academic stuff until lockdown started in March for DS. DS spent most of reception learning things like how to listen to the teacher and sit still. He's a bright lad and one of the eldest and most mature in the year and these were still things that needed to be worked on. My friend is a TA for Reception and she said a considerable amount of her time is just doing things like helping the kids go to the toilet by themselves because they've never had the opportunity to learn away from parents what to do - and the kids who have just started this year are behind what they'd normally expect which means there are more challenges for the year as a whole.

I kept DS off when he could have gone back in June because he was ahead on the social skills stuff and was doing better with me doing the academic stuff as he perhaps wasn't getting the attention he needed with the more academic stuff. Keeping him off a bit longer remedied that as they weren't be actively taught in June and July.

He's gone back in September and I'm glad. He got to mid August and really needed the social side of things again. He's now one of the very few in his class in YR1 who is anywhere near where they should be for either the academic or the basic skills stuff. Indeed some of the kids have actively gone backwards. The younger kids are definitely the ones who have suffered the most. And honestly you as an adult are not a playmate substitute regardless of all the hours you give to it, because part of the dynamic of play at that age is figuring out how to communicate with your peers and fit in with your peers. There are things you just can't teach your kids at home as a parent no matter how much time you invest.

Whilst other countries don't start school until much later, they do have the social skills as part of their pre-school programmes, so I'm very wary of the comparison of 'oh well they don't start school until'. It misses what they do learn and the high percentage of children that have pre-school education.

I would ask the very serious question, and ask you to answer it honestly to yourself and not on here: how much of this is about YOUR anxiety and YOUR reluctance to let go and accept he's growing up and isn't a toddler anymore and is someone who does need to start being more independent of you. Its one thing for him to be confident around you, but is he confident when you and your partner both aren't around? How often is he getting the opportunity for this - especially at the moment because its important in ensuring his confidence carries on as he gets older.

I would say to think very carefully about whether you want to put your child in a position where they are going to struggle emotionally more when they do go to school and not to focus on the academic stuff. Its irrelevant. And I say this as someone who has been more cautious than most.

Do they need a space for another child, is that why they're asking now? They're perfectly within their rights to ask you to make up your mind. I'm assuming it's a council/school nursery? I can't imagine the schools I know humouring you like this and "keeping the space", they're all so oversubscribed, so I think you've been lucky up until now to have had the option, to be honest.

Hi OP, we had to send DD back to nursery when the nurseries opened in June as we were both unsuccessfully trying to work from home while looking after her. She was a fractious, non-napping 16 months when lockdown started so a slightly different situation to you.

She has blossomed in confidence since going back and I’ve noticed a stark difference between her and some other children at playgrounds who’ve not been away from their parents since March and are v cautious around others (realise this may just be coincidence though).

I was really anxious about COVID but the nursery were really reassuring and went above and beyond the govt guidelines in terms of cleaning/extra measures etc. They’ve not had a single case or isolation since June - and not only that but she’s not had any of the usual winter nursery coughs and colds. Maybe from more time spent outside or additional cleaning?

I’m not qualified to comment on whether your son needs to go or not - only you can decide that - but I wouldn’t let anxiety about COVID stop you if you think he will benefit. Could you do a trial month and see how you get on?

Scotland makes a bit of a difference because he does not have to socially distance, but how many random playdates are you going to do given vulnerable relatives around?

Presumably it's the 1080 hours funding?

School always said that children didn’t need to be able to write their name because they teach them that, but what does help is being able to do their coat up and go to the toilet. I think it’s more about knowing the routine before they go to school. At pre school mine were familiar with sitting on the carpet and listening to a story, or lining up to go outside. So school wasn’t shock because they were familiar with that. Plus they already had friends in their class and had a familiar face, because they’d been to nursery.