Tinder expierence

[Leonardo87]

I want to see what others think regarding my recent expierence and if I have over reacted.

I have been so low since this happened - and I am beginning to think my awful luck in love is really all my fault.

I am 33/F and matched with a 37/M who is in the same field as work as me.

Long rant I am sorry but so upset.

This was about six weeks ago. Initially (first week) he was very attentive - lots of messaging, three dates first week, compliments and following through. No conversations regarding expectations or relationship - just going with the flow.

He is very sexual and pushed for sex on fourth date (one week after me had initially met). On the fifth date we had full sex and I stayed over - I could feel a shift straight away as I left his flat the next morning.
The next day communication changed - did not reply to my message until 10pm.

Since that point communication was OK
Continued to be intimate but I noticed a pattern
He was coming round about 8/9pm at shorter notice, messaging less.

A couple of weeks ago I initiated a conversation - regarding how things are going. He said he was not seeing anyone else and wanted to see how things went, he felt we clicked on some levels and not on others. Fine. I said we will check in a few weeks time. Since that conversation things got worse.
I explained I would find it hard to continue to be intimate with someone going forward without a commitment.

Past two weeks hardly any communication from him at the weekends - I seen him last two Friday nights
I seen him last Friday and the next morning HE ASKED ME TO LEAVE - I was humiliated. Few comments which were weird - he poured me a glass of wine and I said ‘thats small’, he said ‘I dont want you to get fat’.

Last Friday was weirder - he came over after 8, stayed and again a bit awkward the next morning. He pointed at my skin and said ‘what are those yuck’ - I said spots due to wearing face mask. He said I dont have them and I wear mask? My employees dont have them either. I was like shocked.

Hardly any communication over this weekend - I texted him Saturday, one or two messages back - I texted him Sunday again. One day he went 1-2 days off silence.

Not a word on Monday.
I was so frustated - I messaged calmly to call things off.

He seemed shocked. Although certainly did not fight to keep the connection going.

Any thoughts on this scenario? Any words of support or encouragement to keep dating. I was devasted last night - driving home from work crying - It always seem to be the same scenario - I meet a guy things go well, well until their behaviour does not add up and I do a runner.

Good for you for calling it off and not letting him string you along!! He was a dud - that's all. Don't take it personally. On to bigger & better things for you.

God, he sounds like a cock.

If you know you want a relationship before sex, just don't have sex or be in a position where sex is likely until you feel it's a good connection.

Glad to hear that you dumped him though.

Tinder can be an absolute cess pit, but don’t give up. I met my lovely DP on it, over a year ago.

What a shit!
Don't shed another tear though OP. You should be feeling strong and empowered that you didn't put up with that treatment.

Oh sweetheart, you'll get there, you just have to unfortunately wade through all the rejects first.
At least you didn't find out after moving in together, or getting married. I've known plenty who have been fine until then.
Lot less messy

I hate dating websites - especially tinder. I really wish my friends would stay off them as it always ends up the same.

Very attentive messaging
Great firsts dates
More attentive messaging
Sex
Goes cold with in a week.

My BIL is on about three sites and has multiple women on the go all the time. He openly admits he loves the chase.

Men and women use these sites for totally different things.

OP - he is a dick. You’ve had a lucky escape. Dont put yourself in this position again

What a lucky escape! Imagine how he would be further down the line...
Good riddance! I hope your luck improves soon!

Block him.he's got what he wanted and has shown his true colours.do you really want a partner who comments on your appearance so negatively?and he appears to have controlling traits.
Move on.
But maybe think more of yourself,your self confidence could possibly do with a boost?
Work on this and happy times are ahead for you.

@KarmaStar

Block him.he's got what he wanted and has shown his true colours.do you really want a partner who comments on your appearance so negatively?and he appears to have controlling traits. Move on. But maybe think more of yourself,your self confidence could possibly do with a boost? Work on this and happy times are ahead for you.

Good advice Karna and such an apt username

This is so so common. Happened to me a while back. Guy chased me, super attentive and sweet, talked for a couple of months. Met up, didn't do anything, wanted to suss him out. He was keen for another meet, met, only kissed. I thought we were good for something more and that it would continue afterwards. Day after it happened he started ghosting me. I have never encountered this before and i actually really liked him, so I was shocked and hurt. Thought it was me etc. Now I've wised up (though it still stings a bit). I should have know. His social media was fully of crass sexual or misogynistic memes. Red flag.

It happens. It's shit. It is definitely him and not you.

Take it as a lesson learned and never allow these twats to mistreat you again.

Thanks again for all these lovely posts - I totally get the other people who have met people - thought they were good and all red flags had been addressed. It can be so hard to tell who is genuine or not.

I feel so much better after all of these affirmations of my actions - I drove home tonight singing instead of crying - and feel a bit more human now.

My friend looked him up on facebook (and I do not have it) - she said he looked like a twat.

@Ihopeyourcakeisshit

What a shit! Don't shed another tear though OP. You should be feeling strong and empowered that you didn't put up with that treatment.

Thank you so much - it did not feel like that on Monday night when he was gaslighting me. I was so so so upset, he was LIVID. I could feel it through the phone.

In a way, it is handy that they collect themselves in one place - Tinder. Men over about 33 who are still single generally have something wrong with them (there are exceptions). But as a general rule...they're usually the shag around type or have some personality flaw that means they keep getting dumped. Urban ones anyway. I do think you get some nicer men who live rurally and aren't quite so ... despoiled.

I think Tinder has got worse in the last year even.

Anyway, just think that this year's negging, wannabee shagging around (not convinced how much action they actually get) 40 year old will be a sour-raced, single 55 year old in 15 years time, growling at small children and still hating women, but probably too wrinkled and balding to get one by that stage!

the next morning HE ASKED ME TO LEAVE - I was humiliated. Few comments which were weird - he poured me a glass of wine and I said ‘thats small’, he said ‘I dont want you to get fat’......Last Friday was weirder

You need better boundaries. It's perfectly normal to tentatively start a relationship and realise they are dick but no fucking way should there be a next date with someone who speaks to you like that.

That said, MN is full of women who fall for abusive dicks like this- they are good at manipulating you. Well done for dumping him.

Men over about 33 who are still single generally have something wrong with them (there are exceptions).

Sadly I think there is a lot of truth to this. They probably aren't even the majority but when the creeps will send messages to every woman in the area and the genuine guys are picky about matching then the creeps are always going to seem like the majority. I would think that's doubly true on tinder.

Presumably it gets easier to tell the difference with practice but I wouldn't jump back in until you have your mental armour on and can hold off being involved until you are sure of them. You just need to see it as a numbers game- a certain chunk of your time is just being spent filtering out the dross.