Tinder expierence

[Leonardo87]

I want to see what others think regarding my recent expierence and if I have over reacted.

I have been so low since this happened - and I am beginning to think my awful luck in love is really all my fault.

I am 33/F and matched with a 37/M who is in the same field as work as me.

Long rant I am sorry but so upset.

This was about six weeks ago. Initially (first week) he was very attentive - lots of messaging, three dates first week, compliments and following through. No conversations regarding expectations or relationship - just going with the flow.

He is very sexual and pushed for sex on fourth date (one week after me had initially met). On the fifth date we had full sex and I stayed over - I could feel a shift straight away as I left his flat the next morning.
The next day communication changed - did not reply to my message until 10pm.

Since that point communication was OK
Continued to be intimate but I noticed a pattern
He was coming round about 8/9pm at shorter notice, messaging less.

A couple of weeks ago I initiated a conversation - regarding how things are going. He said he was not seeing anyone else and wanted to see how things went, he felt we clicked on some levels and not on others. Fine. I said we will check in a few weeks time. Since that conversation things got worse.
I explained I would find it hard to continue to be intimate with someone going forward without a commitment.

Past two weeks hardly any communication from him at the weekends - I seen him last two Friday nights
I seen him last Friday and the next morning HE ASKED ME TO LEAVE - I was humiliated. Few comments which were weird - he poured me a glass of wine and I said ‘thats small’, he said ‘I dont want you to get fat’.

Last Friday was weirder - he came over after 8, stayed and again a bit awkward the next morning. He pointed at my skin and said ‘what are those yuck’ - I said spots due to wearing face mask. He said I dont have them and I wear mask? My employees dont have them either. I was like shocked.

Hardly any communication over this weekend - I texted him Saturday, one or two messages back - I texted him Sunday again. One day he went 1-2 days off silence.

Not a word on Monday.
I was so frustated - I messaged calmly to call things off.

He seemed shocked. Although certainly did not fight to keep the connection going.

Any thoughts on this scenario? Any words of support or encouragement to keep dating. I was devasted last night - driving home from work crying - It always seem to be the same scenario - I meet a guy things go well, well until their behaviour does not add up and I do a runner.

With online dating, it's best to keep all your options open, it's perfectly acceptable to have a few different people on the go. Three dates with one person in a week is too much, three dates with different people is fine (if you can fit them in). Then your self esteem won't take as much of a hammering, pinning your hopes on one person and you can put things in perspective, sort the wheat from the chaff as it were. You only are obliged to go exclusive when you've had that conversation with someone.

@Leonardo87

Guys thank you SO MUCH for all your encouragement - he was fairly manipulative when I called it off - ‘I have your Christmas present, I would prefer to end things face to face but if thats your communication style then so be’. I then called him, straight to divert. I said I will talk things through with you or happy to meet face to face to staighten things out / tell you my side of how I was feeling. He said ‘I cannot get past being dumped by text message - I will never look at you in the same way again’.

I could not believe it.

It sounds like he is blindsided as he is used to call the shots and sees himself as in control, and when it turns out someone doesn’t want to deal with his shit he sulks like the man baby he is. So he’s trying to turn it around on you as if you’re the one who behaved badly.

I cannot get past being dumped by text message - I will never look at you in the same way again

This will be the sob story he gives to his next hook up, no doubt with a bunch of shit about how he bought you presents and treated you like a princess.

You have had a lucky escape op.

You've bruised his ego by being the one to end it and now he's trying to save face.

It's not you, its him. There are a lot of men on OD like this. It's unpleasant but you have to have quite a thick hide about it. I am not someone who believes in withholding sex for a set number of dates or rule playing but if you think you are getting emotionally involved with someone and haven't had a commitment it probably is worth holding back before you sleep with them, just for self-protection.

As an aside, I think its irrelevant that its on Tinder. All OD sites have their fair share of sleazes, chancers and commitment phobes. Paying for OD doesn't guarantee you'll get a better class of man. In my fairly limited experience of OD I met my boyfriend who I'm very happy with two years in on an app (similar to Tinder) and met vast numbers of tiresome stalkers on paid-for sites.

So ignore the people who tell you to avoid Tinder.

Be selective, be safe, don't take any shit and above all remember if it doesn't bring you joy, don't bother with it.

He doesn’t sound like a 37 year old, sounds far more immature. Well done for realising your own worth and getting rid. Good luck in the future.

Someone I used to work with used Tinder, I asked him about it and he told me he and his mates use it as a way to get laid, not to have a relationship.

Perhaps you would be better off with another site?

Unfortunately, these dating sites encourage or facilitate the kind of dickish behaviour that you encountered, so be very wary. The pattern is typical - full on wooing, then sex, then dissing you/ manipulation/ criticism. Good on you for dumping him. Take longer, go at YOUR speed, not his. Be fully aware of manipulative behaviour. Frog kissing, unfortunately.

I'm sorry OP but agree he was only around for the sex. I'm sorry this happened, he sounds like a nasty piece of work and some of his behaviour since sounds like abusive traits too (note: I'm not saying he's abusive but some of his behaviour could be, before the Shit Male Behaviour Apologists jump on me).

I know it's hard as we don't expect this to happen to us as adults but some people never grow out of being nasty cunts and it sounds like he's one of them.

Cut your losses and move on

Sounds about right for tinder tbh.

I know a lot of people who as soon as they’ve had sex with someone they’ve met from there they’ve been unmatched. Not all bad stories though as I do have a friend who met her DP on tinder a few years ago and now are engaged but of the experiences I’ve heard the negatives far outweigh the good. Some of the messages I had from guys when I was on there were truly vile. 😂
I would approach anyone from tinder with caution.

You ended it and how he's twisting it so that he's the one in control and refusing to answer the phone/meet up. Extremely manipulative behaviour. Block him. He doesn't deserve any more of your time. You're well rid.

@Leonardo87

And that he ‘frankly, did not want to talk’ he seemed very surprised.

Yeah, he was surprised that you dumped him, because so far you’d been putting up with his shit.

As for having a Xmas present for you... that’s so transparently bullshit that it deserves a proper laugh!

@WillSantaBeComingToTown

You met on Tinder Its not known for long-term relationships Pay to join a better site

I've been with the person I met on tinder for 2.5 years... everyone I met on other sites was a nightmare!

Personal experience is always going to be different.

Sorry OP, you've called it off.

As for your update .. what a cock he is. His pride is killing him coz you did the dumping.

He is not worth any more energy - please tell me you've blocked him?

I met my fiance on tinder, it can happen.

You should have ghosted him as soon as he made you uncomfortable or when he started making shitty comments about you. You don't owe these men anything op. And I agree with whoever said 3 dates in 1 week is too many. I found I needed time to reflect on how I felt after the first date, then used the second date to make sure

@KnitsAndGiggles

I met my fiance on tinder, it can happen.

You should have ghosted him as soon as he made you uncomfortable or when he started making shitty comments about you. You don't owe these men anything op. And I agree with whoever said 3 dates in 1 week is too many. I found I needed time to reflect on how I felt after the first date, then used the second date to make sure

Phew... I was beginning to think I must be imagining my relationship! 😂

There are good men and less good men on all of the sites unfortunately.

I also can't agree on people having hard and fast rules on dates etc. It worked for me and my partner having lots of dates in the first week, because it fitted our work schedules and around childcare – It would've taken forever to get to know each other that well otherwise.

To me, the key thing is being clear that you are looking for a relationship and not casual.

Oh, and my best friend is also married to a guy she met on tinder too!

Sounds like you've dodged a massive bullet!

FWIW I've been lucky with Tinder...all the blokes that have been after one thing (so all the blokes, basically), have at least been very up front about it...and I'm equally up front back, which tends to result in some very short conversations!

Lucky escape! Be angry and don't waste more time on him!

Don't let him put you off dating either. They're not all like that. I know three people who have married a tinder date and another in a long term relationship so it can work!

On to something better...

Set your expectations REALLY high for OLD. Know your worth.

Put up with their shit once, shame on them.

Put up with it twice, shame on you ~my version for the old saying.

WORRA KNOB!
He is a lesson learned. Glad you dumped him.

Not a nice exierience OP. If you've never encountered that sort of behavior before, it can be a real shock. I've experienced it and it didnt involve Tinder - or did it?

I couldn't believe it when a man I'd long been attracted to began to reciprocate. All our mutual friends couldn't understand why we hadn't got together before. We had a great relationship, but it was long dustanxe, and sometimes we were only meeting up 9nce a month. But he made me feel really secure and we had holidays and weeks together too. I began to look fur a job in his city.

Then one day he phoned me up ahd said he had cheated and was seeing someone else now. Said he had cheated on me before and was a bad person. He advised me to go on Tinder if I was missing having sex (!) I hadn't even known he had used Tinder in the past and probably would have had nothing to do with him if I had done. No wonder we didn't get together before if he was busy with hook ups from Tinder. He then blocked me. And thats the last I ever heard from him, except I know the woman he cheated on me with, so thars why he told me. He's dumped her already and it was more of a FWB thing.

So he, and other guys like him are out there. The sneaky ones pretend to be boyfriend material to get sex, the upfront sleazy ones just try sex talk and to get nude photos. None of its very satisfactory and its pretty risky from a std perspective as condoms can split.

I don't know if these men on Tinder think they're some kind of Casanovas, personally I think the only point of the gigolo type is they're charming, even when they end it. This breed seems more like neggers who hate women. It's a growing problem it seems, and you will be able to spot the signs in future.

It's a shame really, as at one time these must have been innocent young men with their lives ahead of them, rather than sleazy middle aged men on the hunt for love-free sex.

I am overwhelmed with all the support and suggestions and stories here.

I feel confident I called this situation accurately and you have all restored my faith a bit that it is not me!
I will certainly be more wary in the future and not have intercourse for a bit longer.

People at work did notice past two weeks I have been very quiet - so it is not like what happened on Monday ultimately caused me to be misreable - the whole situation was clearly pulling me down.

You have had a lucky escape for sure as shitty as it feels now!!

Sometimes Tinder works out as the above stories demonstrate .However 9 times out of 10 are flooded by blokes only after one thing!Best to be wary .