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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I asking for too much??

38 replies

Momma2019new · 11/11/2020 11:15

Hello everyone!
Not baby related! Just wanted to know your opinion on this!
We are 3 years married and we have spent every Christmas with my husband’s family. Unlucky his birthday is on the 26th of December 🙄 so he have spoken about it and now with our baby girl he wants to spend every Christmas at his dad (my family live in Peru, so I can’t see them specially now with COVID) I have told him if we can go to his dad one year and another year we stay at home the 3 of us BUT he gets mad and won’t change his mind about going to his dad for Xmas 😭 am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
contrmary · 11/11/2020 11:21

It depends on the circumstances. Will his Dad be happy if his son doesn't visit him, does he have other people he can spend Christmas with or are you saying he'll be left on his own every other year? Can't you alternate, visiting the Dad one year and having him visit you the next?

Is there a legitimate reason you don't want him around, or is it just that you can't be with your family so don't think it's fair for him to be with his?

Bluntness100 · 11/11/2020 11:23

Who would his dad spend Xmas with if he didn’t go?

helloxhristmas · 11/11/2020 11:25

As my kids got a bit older they wanted to stay at home, to play with their new toys and just not be carted a few hours drive away for lunch and then come home again.

Pre covid, every other year we stay at home. Anyone who wants to come is welcome but we are not doing the travelling.

Alexandernevermind · 11/11/2020 11:25

Do you mean spend the whole of Christmas with him or just one day? We see both sets of parents under normal circumstances over Christmas, one set on Christmas Day, another set Boxing Day. Would you not want to see him at all over Christmas?

TheTrollFairy · 11/11/2020 11:27

We alternate between parents each Christmas, DD is an only child so for us, it has worked well as it’s distraction and we take new gifts with us for her to play so she’s not missing out

maxelly · 11/11/2020 11:30

On the face of it, I think you are being a bit U, yes. Christmas is about family for me (with all its attendant compromises and frustrations), and I would understand if you wanted to alternate between your family and his, but I think I would be a bit miffed if my spouse wanted to stop me seeing my family at Christmas just because... but of course it depends on a lot of factors, how close to you does his Dad live, very different if it London-Scottish highlands journey involving long drives, multiple modes of transport and a several-night stay compared to if he's just around the corner and you can drop him on him for a few hours and also get some 'small family' time. Do you get on well with his Dad, is there a reason you don't want to see him? As others have said, would his Dad be otherwise spending Christmas alone or does he have other extended family?

As others have said, a compromise would be ideal here but it really depends on what you are finding hard about current Christmas, travel, 'hosting', having to be away from home, your burning hatred of your FIL Wink Grin ?

mam0918 · 11/11/2020 13:04

Im firmly of the belief that your nuclear family comes first, a good parent doesnt drag their child up and round to appease adults.

If family member is truely alone and want to see family then invite them to yours for xmas dinner, it makes no sense to inconveniance 3 people (and its way more of an inconveniance to go anywhere with a baby) for the sake of one.

StephenBelafonte · 11/11/2020 13:07

Cant h e just come to you instead?

Original poster
Momma2019new · 11/11/2020 13:09

Thank you all very much for your comments! We are 2 hours away. He has got his daughter and family just 5 min away from him. I somehow don’t feel comfortable at his house. I get when some of you say that is not fair I stop him from seeing his family at Xmas but don’t I get a saying as well? I said that we both have to commit so one year we go to his dad and one year we spent it at home without the travelling. Oh yes we wants us to go on the 24 and come back on the 27th every year.

OP posts:
AhoyMeFarties · 11/11/2020 13:13

I don't think you are being unreasonable, as someone has said, could he come to you?

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 11/11/2020 13:17

In this situation i would suggest you go to him every other year and invite him back in between. His choice if he does not want to come.

IJustWantSomeBees · 11/11/2020 13:30

No I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. To be unreasonable would be to insist on never visiting his dad. It's your Christmas too and you should also be allowed to enjoy it surely! Marriage is about compromise and that is exactly what you are suggesting.

Is there some back story to why you feel uncomfortable there? Though as an introvert I just don't feel that comfortable in any home other than mine, regardless of how much I love my friends/family and that is a valid reason in and of itself!

IJustWantSomeBees · 11/11/2020 13:32

And what do you mean by he 'won't change his mind'? That implies to me that he doesn't think you have a say in how you spend the holiday?

AnnaSW1 · 11/11/2020 13:38

It's fair to take it in turns. He's not being fair

RaininSummer · 11/11/2020 13:39

As it sounds like Christmas at husband's family involves 4 hours on the road then, contrary to what I would normally say, I think you should stay home. But I think father should be invited to come and stay for Christmas every other year.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 11/11/2020 13:49

If he has lots of family there then I can see why he wants to go and see them all at once especially if there isnt your family to factor in as well.

However

  1. Why is he the boss. Normally if couples disagree then they discuss it and compromise. I don't think its healthy if one of the couple just tells the other what's happening and doesn't invite any discussion, it's a power imbalance and will lead to resentment. You matter, your child matters and you have equal say in decisions.
  2. I think you are both a bit mad now to be making rules and firm plans over xmas. Things change, families change. What if you are heavily pregnant one year? What if there is a pandemic ? What if the weather is too bad? What if there is a falling out or his dad gets a new partner who wants to spend it with her family or what if you want to go to Peru or your family there want to come over here and visit? What if one of you change jobs and don't get xmas off? Fair enough to have a loose 'for the next couple of years let's think about doing x' but having a hard and fast rule about something for the foreseeable future about 3 specific days every year is mad.

Maybe invite his dad to yours some years as a compromise?

Bluntness100 · 11/11/2020 14:17

So you spend it not just with his dad, but also his sister and wider family?

Original poster
Momma2019new · 11/11/2020 14:59

Yes, so we spend Christmas with his dad, sister, kids and husband. For the last 3 years we have spent every Christmas and New Year’s Eve with his family just because I have no family nor friends here (New Years eve is with extended family)
That’s what I said “one year you decided what we do and the next year I decide” we are still to talk about it as we can never finish this conversation in peace! 😫
I don’t like going there because we always end up fighting. His dad always does what his sister says and wants and she mostly does what’s is best for her and her kids (that’s what I feel) so we end up waiting to do as they pleased kinda thing. Then all my hubby wants for his bday is go for a walk, pub, beer and walk back home but because is cold no one wants to join so he gets upset and moans at me and I get mad at them for hurting them (every year) but then he gets over it and he is happy with everyone again BUT I’m still mad and I don’t know how to change it 😞
We had them one year and oh man! Hard work! I had to wash all beddings clean house kitchen was a mess the hall was a mess! Not sure I would like that with a baby now! Again am I being unreasonable or too fussy?? I just want to read different opinions.
Thank you all so much for your response!! I do appreciate very much!

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 11/11/2020 15:01

Does he see them often?

Does he have any friends he socialises with? If you’ve no friends and neither does he, and you spend your time socialising only with each other I can see why he’d want to shake it up for Xmas etc and make it sociable.

Original poster
Momma2019new · 11/11/2020 15:08

He does have friends and he does meet them (not anymore with lockdown) but I’m not the only one he sees.

OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 11/11/2020 15:09

Again OP, you are NOT being unreasonable. You have already offered a good compromise and as your partner he should be thinking about you enjoying to holiday too, not just himself. I'm not sure why people are suggesting you compromise when you have already offered a compromise Hmm

And if his family come to your house HE should be the one cleaning up after them! Perhaps then you could enjoy having them over

JillofTrades · 11/11/2020 15:17

Yanbu. His birthday falls in a very tricky time. You have your own little family now, so its not just about his birthday. Your suggestion seems very fair and I think you need to stand your ground. He is also taking advantage of your family not being around. You would alternate with them im assuming? So tell him that 'your turn' you get to decide and you just want it to be your little family. If he still acts like a brat then he can go alone.

Yummymummy2020 · 11/11/2020 15:21

I don’t think you are unreasonable at all in fact I feel the exact same way! Sometimes it’s nice to spend Christmas in your own home! I agree with having visitors over it’s not that I wouldn’t be happy to, but I don’t think you should have to spend a chunk of every single Christmas traveling least of all with a baby! Hold firm as you are not in the wrong and it’s your Christmas too!

ClaireP20 · 11/11/2020 15:24

You're not unreasonable. X put your foot down OP, your husband has a sister too, she should do her bit, and there is no way I would be taking my baby to stay outside their house for a few days over Christmas. Might be ok now, but not when she is a toddler and you want to make Christmas traditions (like getting all excited on Christmas Eve and watching a film, tucking her into bed nice and early and sneaking up with her presents to put by her bed..). You need to stop it now when you have a baby or it will drag on for years. And to be honest I can't imagine he enjoys all the mess and cooking et, who does all that?? I mean, maybe he doesn't want you all there for days on end but can't tell you! It's 2 hours away, you can't be expected to pack up your life (especially as she gets older) every Christmas. You are perfectly entitled to enjoy your child over Christmas, it is about your wants to. Us women always feel guilty and put everyone first - stick to your guns op. You can always visit him over the New Year instead. Bloody men eh! Xx

Thehop · 11/11/2020 15:25

YANBU at all. I’d be reminding him that if you split up you’d get one year each with your dd.

He’s being hugely unfair, and you should get a choice too.

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