Am I asking for too much??

[Momma2019new]

Hello everyone!
Not baby related! Just wanted to know your opinion on this!
We are 3 years married and we have spent every Christmas with my husband’s family. Unlucky his birthday is on the 26th of December 🙄 so he have spoken about it and now with our baby girl he wants to spend every Christmas at his dad (my family live in Peru, so I can’t see them specially now with COVID) I have told him if we can go to his dad one year and another year we stay at home the 3 of us BUT he gets mad and won’t change his mind about going to his dad for Xmas 😭 am I being unreasonable?

Ooo this is a difficult one! I used to have this same conversation with my husband as my birthday is Christmas day and went to PIL EVERY year. Difference was, Christmas there was elegant and no fights etc... so I was always happy to be there but I couldn't help but want Christmas the two of us. To actually feel like it was my birthday for once.

Since having children, we still go every year (I'm not close with my mother & siblings) and I really enjoy it still. The day is about my daughters now. Not me.

I don't think you are being unreasonable especially if the time spent at his dads is spent being angry. Can he not meet you in the middle and spend Christmas day as a family and then drive to his dads on boxing day for 2 nights?

If he insists just let him go on his own

Nope, Id hate that. I also wouldnt do as others have said spend one xmas with him and the next him with you - you are youre own family unit now and you all need to come to a compromise. Why cant you either alternate between the dad and at home alone - or could you travel up there on the morning of 26th so less pressure around actual xmas.

Personally because of dhs work we can never travel anywhere and we love xmas at home alone but we have the parents down on rotation through the years. I prefer the ones alone though

YANBU. As your child gets older you'll probably want to spend it at home more often.

Oh and OP - do not have people over to stay when you have a baby to look after, because it is (as you know) really hard work and you don't get to enjoy the baby. X.ps I am hoping for a complete lockdown so I don't have to see anyone over Christmas as I am sick of it too..xx

YANBU.
He doesn’t get to decide family things on his own and wo your input and agreement

I can understand his desire and it's lovely for your dc to be with cousins, grandparents and aunts/uncles. What about going to them 25-28 December and having your own family celebration 24/31/1?

@IJustWantSomeBees

No I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. To be unreasonable would be to insist on never visiting his dad. It's your Christmas too and you should also be allowed to enjoy it surely! Marriage is about compromise and that is exactly what you are suggesting.

Is there some back story to why you feel uncomfortable there? Though as an introvert I just don't feel that comfortable in any home other than mine, regardless of how much I love my friends/family and that is a valid reason in and of itself!

Im an introvert and I'm like that.

I HATE anyone in my home, I would rather go to other peoples but I'm never 'comfortable' when there. People say 'Make yourself at home' and 'treat it like your own house' but thats litrally impossible.

If I treat it like my house I would walk, in strip off into housewear, grab a throw and make myself into a human sofa burrito and start binge watching tv and eating crumbly foods but lets face it you CAN'T do that at your IL, it would be wierd.

I can't feel comfortable in a place where I feel I have to ask permission just to go to the bathroom (which is almost everyones house especially if its your first time there) like a school child, where you cant touch thing or change the channel or go wandering off so sit awkwardly in your assigned spot and have to follow other peoples OCD rules (like no shoes on in certain rooms and you can only sit in certain seats an the towels on the rail are just for show etc...).

My Dad invited us to his house at Christmas when mine were babies as he had more space and a bigger kitchen. I still did all the cooking and had to bring food, presents and baby stuff to his house. It was very hard work. It's much easier if family come to you when you have small children but as you don't seem happy about that it's difficult.

He is very unreasonable to be mad at you for what you're saying!
He should hear you and discuss options, possibilities, preferences, more or less calmly. (Well my husband is sometimes similar, so I feel for you.)
He's also unreasonable for moans to you for not being happy what his family did/did not. Have in mind that you are not responsible for him, his feelings. Try not to get mad at his family that they did not please him. He is very capable to talk to them himself. He's not a little baby and you're not his mother to resolve issues for him.
I do not have anything to say to help with the Christmas time. I think you are not unreasonable, you have valid reasons for your feelings and wishes.
I keep fingers crossed for you.

He is being unreasonable to expect this of you every year when his dad isn't going to be on his own.

If anything it should be Peru - his dads - home on your own - in a 3 year cycle to be totally fair.
I hate having to spend Xmas either travelling up and down the motorway or in other people's homes especially when kids come along.

I think alternate years is fair, and maybe not stay so long at your FiLs. Don't let things be dictated your OH's sister. Make decisions for your own family. "We're going for a walk now if anyone wants to join us", etc.

You can invite your FiL when you stay at home, if he chooses to come, great. Do you have to invite everyone or can you invite only him? Your OH can help with the cleaning, bedding, shopping and cooking.

Can’t thank you all enough! Is being hard here without family and friends! I’m taking in every advise and opinion! Also thank you for the reassurance that I’m not being unreasonable!