To think it's odd that MIL never rings us?

[Hyperbolistic]

Been married for 20 years and we have 2 DC age 13 and 16. DH and MIL have never had a loving relationship and DH has visited her/ kept in touch more from a sense of duty rather than anything else. However it's now become apparent that unless DH makes an effort to ring his mum they will possibly never talk again as she never, ever rings here or makes any other form of contact. DH has experimented with this and left it months before ringing MIL just to see, but he always buckles in the end and rings her. When they do speak she rarely asks about him or asks after our DC. AIBU to be curious as to how a mother could be so disinterested in her own DC and GC?

Can we swap with a multiple time a day for any daft thought Mil!

@BashfulClam somewhere in the middle would be perfect!

Mine is exactly the same. I didn't mind so much but I'm sad for my children and husband. As we have been together over the years it is clear that they don't have a healthy emotional response to anything really. They literally ignore anything that needs to be spoken about. It upset me and I really tried at first but you can't make someone interested.

Also, my Mum had been brilliant bit unfortunately died. I spent a lot of time trying to recreate the interest my Mum had in her GC, I had to accept that MiL is not like that, and I couldn't turn her into my Mum. She is as loving as a cold fish. Very sad.

@Beelzebop sorry about your own mum, my mum makes a big effort with us but lived abroad.
I also made a huge effort with MIL in the beginning but it's difficult when never reciprocated. I've been thinking more about it recently as we haven't seen mil for over a year now due to the pandemic, but nobody has missed her at all. Her loss really as she doesn't know our DC and has missed out on so much of the good things in our lives because she's no idea what we're up to.

We are in exactly the same situation.

My lovely parents passed away before our DS now 15 was born and they would have been brilliant with him as he has SLD.

DH's side is exactly like yours, to the letter.

I don't get it either.

My dhs mum is like this. He stopped bothering and we now haven’t seen or heard from her for nearly 3 years. We’ve now blocked her and the whole family (his 3 siblings who always side with his mum and are the golden children) from all our social media etc. Horrible people.

People keep up the contact they want/need. So if your DH feels the need to call but she doesn't, that's how it will work out.

I always call my mum because I'm the one who moved away, but she does sometimes call me if she wants a chat. But my ILs? they never call us. My DH calls sporadically but he's said, after 30 years, that if they can't be bothered, he'll learn to live with the twice yearly calls he makes. It makes him a bit sad but you can't force people into the relationship you want.

My mother is like this. I ring her every week or so but even that often seems to irritate her — however, if I don’t do it, it only gets worse. So I keep in touch as a duty.

I do find it hurtful and as the dc get older it’s increasingly clear to them that she’s very different from their other, more loving GPs.

When it makes me sad, I try to remind myself:

We can’t control her choices
We’re not responsible for her behaviour
The best remedy is to focus on my own loving relationships with the dc, not throw away precious mental energy on trying to make sense of my mother

So if nothing else it’s a model of what not to do and a reminder to take a moment to go and cuddle the dc or find time to play a game or something.

Where do il’s live, did DH move away from home? I think to a certain extent with some people it’s the person who moved away who needs to make the effort to ‘come back’ even if that’s only via phone.

Thanks Hyperbolistic. Yes, it's just sad isn't it. My kids used to ask about her now don't. She helped my do to buy the house we live in and sends money for kids but seems to think that's it. Would rather have a loving Gran than birthday presents.

My mother has this problem with her own mother... it seems her phone only receives in-coming calls! My mother moans and moans how she has to do all the leg work to keep in contact with her mum, but then never, ever rings me to get together to see the GC! The irony is lost on her! My MIL however will ring me or my DH once a week/fortnight to speak to us for a catch up

My MIL and mum are like this but it’s more wanting to leave it up to us to contact them because we’re the busy ones.

Mu mum is the same.
Never once has she phoned me for a chat in the 36 years since I've left home.
I've done the experiment of not phoning first but buckled after 3 months
She is always interested the kids.
Her reason for not ringing? I don't know if you're at work or nit! This is despite me be allowed personal calls! Also she has free phone calls for an hour.

My husband's son never rings his father. I ring my parents every other day; not that we have much news to share, but staying in touch with the people we love has rarely been more important. I feel sad for my husband that his son can't be bothered. The same uncaring attitude has passed to the son's own children.

@Beelzebop

Mine is exactly the same. I didn't mind so much but I'm sad for my children and husband. As we have been together over the years it is clear that they don't have a healthy emotional response to anything really. They literally ignore anything that needs to be spoken about. It upset me and I really tried at first but you can't make someone interested.

This is exactly my dh's relationship with his mother. She also never calls us. DC are almost 13 and 16. His family are incredibly emotionally weird and never talk about any feelings, there's just the most odd and repressive atmosphere when we spend any time with them (rare as we live about 300 miles away) to the point that I've stopped agreeing to visit his sister with him and the kids as I just couldn't handle the atmosphere. His mum and dad didn't have a happy marriage, he drank heavily and is dead now but I think his family is so used to repressing emotion it's become completely normal for them.

I think to a certain extent with some people it’s the person who moved away who needs to make the effort to ‘come back’ even if that’s only via phone.
I dont know my sister lives 7 doors away from mum and dad but sister is the one tharthas to go round all the time ( unless there's a footie match in Sky my dad wants to watch!😂😂)

Some people (me) are not comfortable talking on the phone , I remember a discussion about this on a different forum and was surprised at how many other people feel like this. I also have a fear that I might be phoning at an inconvenient time and, if I do phone, text first to see if the other person is free. I do phone my daughter and my sister (although that really is hard work) but it's not something that comes naturally to me.

Perhaps your MiL is like this.

Just to say you're not alone in this. While we hear from MIL ever now and then it's mostly my husband who makes the effort to keep in touch. DH assures me that they love their grandchildren and ask about them but frankly I haven't seen them take much interest in them. They have visited us less than five times since we moved ten years ago.

Dd had a major event last year, she achieved something pretty spectacular that she had worked so hard for (she took part in something not child focused that the general public buys tickets to so it wouldn't have been a pain for them to sit through. objectively speaking), we invited PIL and MIL and they declined as that was the day of the week when they play bridge with their friends.

My mil is the same. Never calls. We used to ring and ask if we could come over, but she was always to busy with other plans. Never once said she would rearrange.

My mum never rings me. She makes a virtue of it in fact "Oh I know you're busy - I don't want to interrupt you at the wrong time, or badger you when you're doing something".

She's always happy to hear from me though, and she's quick to mention (to her friends and my brothers - not to me) if she hasn't heard from me. Her friends are the same, I hear them sighing that they never hear from their daughters (who I also know) but they wait for a call instead of phoning. We text to let each other know we're being moaned about.

In fairness I love calling my mum for a chat, and she's always good company, but her telephone dialling finger seems to be paralysed.

My mum never rings me. She makes a virtue of it in fact "Oh I know you're busy - I don't want to interrupt you at the wrong time, or badger you when you're doing something".

She might genuinely feel this though, if you phone her then obviously you are not too busy and she is delighted to hear from you.

She might genuinely feel this though

Oh yes, I'm sure she does. It just sort of absolves her from making an effort? I think it stems from when she left home and would have to call her family from a coin phone at an agreed time.

My mum and dad are exactly the same. My mum has rung me once in the 24 years since I left home, to tell me my grandmother had died.

I, too, have experimented with not calling them, and it got to five months. My dad is interested in the kids and will ask a bit about them but not about me or DH and my mum won't ask about any of us. I just tell her information and then the conversation is over.

It makes me terribly sad.

@TheYearOfSmallThings

She might genuinely feel this though

Oh yes, I'm sure she does. It just sort of absolves her from making an effort? I think it stems from when she left home and would have to call her family from a coin phone at an agreed time.

Well, if her feelings don't matter then that's OK.