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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To buy a house whilst still married?

37 replies

Szeli · 11/11/2020 04:56

Myself and stbxh have been separated 4+ years since his affair. I filed for divorce 3.5 years ago but he refused to acknowledge the paperwork.

3 years ago I got with dp, we have lived together since March and are now in a position where we could potentially afford to buy the house we currently rent. I want to get on with this ASAP as we are hoping to start ttc in spring '21 so I want the house sorted prior to a maternity period and I don't want to delay ttc as DS is already 7 and as I'm older there's more chance it could take a while.

Back story done, my parents have approached me advising I don't buy until my divorce is complete as they are worried stbxh could make a claim on my house otherwise, could he? Aibu to carry on anyway? I feel like I've already wasted years due to that dickwad and don't want to wait another 2 but is that really short sighted?

YABU - to push on whilst still married
YANBU - to carrying on trying to buy my house

OP posts:
Mintjulia · 11/11/2020 05:01

You must get the divorce sorted first. Is it progressing?

Original poster
Szeli · 11/11/2020 05:06

No, he refused to acknowledge so I have to wait 5 years or send out process servers (at a cost) that likely wouldn't achieve anything as he won't answer the door anyway 🙄

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 11/11/2020 05:08

Sort your shit out first. Pay if you have to.

Sciurus83 · 11/11/2020 05:42

You need to pay process servers. My friend did this and it got sorted. Do not buy a house until you are divorced.

Sciurus83 · 11/11/2020 05:44

Servers are relentless, they will make him take it somehow

jimmyjammy001 · 11/11/2020 05:53

"YABU - to push on whilst still married
YANBU - to carrying on trying to buy my house"

That doesn't make any sense, your carry on trying to buy regardless of either option? You should of got divorced along time ago and even forced it if husband didn't want to acknowledge it, surprised your new parent wants to buy with you considering your still married, he can't have done any due diligence, sure the conveyancing solicitor would say something when you eventually buy) did buy anyways

lyralalala · 11/11/2020 05:55

You'd be mad to buy while still maried to a man who has shown he'll happily make your life difficult.

TeachesOfPeaches · 11/11/2020 05:59

Get divorced first, ex sounds like a nightmare. It has been some time though so perhaps he has moved on himself so might be more open to a divorce

Imapotato · 11/11/2020 06:27

Another vote for getting divorced first.

TwylaSands · 11/11/2020 06:30

Agree with everyone else. Speak to your solicitor.

Winterwoollies · 11/11/2020 06:30

Get divorced first. And fork out for the servers. They’re cheaper than him having a claim on your asset. Don’t let TTC cloud your judgement.

madcatladyforever · 11/11/2020 06:34

No do not do it. I want to give my son money to buy a house but I can't until his partner gets divorced which doesn't seem to be happening. He ex can claim half of everything she owns. Wait 5 years if you have to but get it done.

Sparky888 · 11/11/2020 06:47

Get a lawyer. The court can take the date of separation into account, it’s just not totally secure if he ‘needs’ more money from you at the court date.

Twizbe · 11/11/2020 06:51

Divorce before TTC and buying the house.

Correct me if I'm wrong but I thought when a married woman has a baby, her husband is always the legal father regardless of the biological truth.

Don't make this messy, get divorced

PlanDeRaccordement · 11/11/2020 06:54

I agree, you need the divorce financial settlement done before having your name on a major asset like a house.

Only exception is if your new partner can get the mortgage alone and only have his name on the deeds of trust for now. Once your divorce is over, you can start paying towards the mortgage and he can add you as a joint tenant or tenant in common to the deeds of trust for the house.

OddBoots · 11/11/2020 06:55

When you say 4+ years, how long is it until it is 5 years and you can get the divorce without ex agreeing?

Ghouliet · 11/11/2020 07:15

Divorce first otherwise your ex could claim part of your house. Pay for the servers, my friend did this and his wife was served same day.

midgebabe · 11/11/2020 07:28

I would speak to a solicitor as the concerns here seem odd

If you buy a house, you are either getting a mortgage...he could hardly want to claim a share of the mortgage debt

But Probably you have some cash that you are using as a deposit. He could claim a share of the cash, but it wouldn't matter if it was cash or a house, it would all be assets

He couldn't claim your partners assets , so you would need to get your house legal sorted

I also don't think that a divorce judge would look that kindly on someone claiming assets accrued whilst the other person was waiting for divorce ...are you implying he made you wait to divorce so he could get more money out of you?

Winterwoollies · 11/11/2020 08:03

@Twizbe surely not??? 🤭

Nottherealslimshady · 11/11/2020 08:07

Surely it will save you money to pay to push the divorce through. If you dont you'll have to pay to rent for another 18 months or give him a portion of your house in the divorce.

LivingInTheFog · 11/11/2020 08:09

Yes, get divorced!

Winterwoollies where I lived when I had DC1 this was definitely the case. In fact, if your husband died and you had a baby afterwards and hadn't re-married, the baby would still be registered as being your dead husband's baby. Unless the father went to court before birth to attest the child is his Shock

howtobe · 11/11/2020 08:13

Get divorced first.

If you’ve been separated for over 4 years then you can’t be far away from being able to do a no contest

notanothertakeaway · 11/11/2020 08:17

In many countries, there is a rebuttable legal presumption that a husband is the father of his wife's baby. Easily resolved by the bio father being registered on baby's birth certificate as the father

Some of the comments on this thread illustrate the danger of well meaning but ignorant advice from strangers on the internet

Where I live, OP's husband would have no claim on the OP's new house per se. BUT, if divorce resulted in OP owing £ to her ex, and she had no other means of settling the debt, then she might have to sell the house to pay her ex what she owes

honeylulu · 11/11/2020 08:18

It does seem unwise to buy the house now. In theory your ex could stake a claim. Is there a possibility that your partner could buy in his sole name and transfer to joint names when safely divorced?

Process servers aren't expensive and would be well worth the cost in this situation. If you can afford to buy a house and have a baby, you can afford a process server. The last time I used one (I'm a solicitor) it was £60 I think. Try DPS or JS Knott. If he won't answer the door at home they can serve him at his workplace or anywhere else you'll know he'll be.

Re: baby. In the UK if you are married the child's "putative father" is indeed your legal husband . However it's a rebuttable presumption so you can complete the birth certificate with the correct info. Your partner would need to attend the registration.

Themadcatparade · 11/11/2020 08:27

We are in the same situation here with DP’s ex.

100% push for a divorce first.