To be upset at exh calling the hospital to check up on me

[Feelinglost006]

Will try and keep this as brief as I can. Was married 7 years together for 16. Split up 2 1/2 years ago divorced (I divorced him - due to his drinking and abusiveness) we have kids together but he’s a typical weekend Disney dad. Never has them overnight. Sees them for about 8 hours one day of the weekend. I get maintenance but it’s the legal amount he has to pay and not a penny more. No extras. I never ask for extra. After we split he began harassing stalking and threatening to kill me. He was arrested, admitted it but cps wouldn’t charge so I went to WA and got a non mol with legal aid via the courts. He broke it twice , both times reported and he got a slapped wrist and discharge at court.

The non mol has since expired and he now picks them up From my door one day a week. I have asked him to see them one night in the week too as I work FT but he won’t. He’s now got a new gf kids not met her as yet.

Anyway at the weekend he had them and I was taken I’ll at home and had to be taken to a and e via ambulance
When he collected them I told him I was unwell (it’s an ongoing condition which I am having surgery for in a few weeks ) I had been in pain all night and taken strong painkillers so I asked him to collect the children earlier. Because he collected them earlier he wanted to return them earlier. I said no you need to keep them occupied so I can rest and sleep (I had literally been up all night ) he wasn’t happy about this.

When I told him I was going to hospital (ambulance job gas and air and iv morphine ) he began texting me every 20 mins asking how I was getting on and how long I would be. He refused to keep the kids overnight at his house and wanted to drive them 30 miles and drop them off with my elderly mother. This was not convenient and shes my only childcare and does more than enough helping out as it is while I work and he knows this. I told him no they are your children I am unwell and you need to help out and look after them. Eventually he agreed to sit with them at my house until I came home. He wouldn’t stay overnight on the sofa or in one of the kids room while I rested (I had a fair bit of morphine before being sent home with codeine phosphate tablets) the children asked him to stay and he still said no and left. They also asked him to come over on the Sunday as they knew it would be a pj day with me unwell and again he said no I am busy

When I was sat in a and e a receptionist came over to tell me that my mum had called them for an update on my condition and how long I would be there what time I arrived etc as she had been trying my mobile and couldn’t get through. The phone was in my hand and I thought it strange but thought perhaps my eldest son who’s a teen had called her to let her know. I rung her and she knew nothing about where I was so in short it wasn’t her calling to check up on me. The only person who knew i was there was my ex husband. So he either got his mother or girlfriend to call and check up on me. I am absolutely livid and very upset about it. I have asked him about it by wattsapp (didn’t do it in front of the kids) and he’s simply ignored me.

This isn’t the first time this sort of thing has happened. When we first split I had a small part time job and I was anonymously reported to dwp as working and claiming. My landlord was also called up by a woman asking how I was going to pay my rent now I was a single parent

I just feel so low and pissed off. Not well raising children alone as he is no help or support in any way shape or form and recently gone through a break up with someone (whole other thread and not relevant to this situation) I am now going to be having surgery and coming home and being alone with no one to look after me or even ask If I am ok. I just feel like utter shit right now

Sorry to hear you are so unwell OP. (flowers) (gin)
Your exh sounds like a dream, thank goodness you got rid of him.

Having to recover alone is really shit...can you at least organise some video calls, someone to come and wave through the window/drop off food etc?

You're not being unreasonable at all, he is an absolute prick with no empathy for you or your children.

Hope you are better soon

You’re not being unreasonable. But I do wonder why you are surprised and/or shocked that he didn’t magically change his entire personality and swoop in to saw the day when he saw how ill you were.

Even if he felt nothing or worse toward you, he would have to be an utter shit not to look after his (probably very worried) DC.

So sorry to read all this. What an absolute shit he is. I suppose the only possible positive to take from it all is that you're no longer married to him.

What an awful situation you are in. I may be wrong, but I’m sure that the Royal Voluntary Service (or the Red Cross) has volunteers who may be able to help by dropping off groceries or even meals when you are home after surgery?

I guess the only other option (apart from your mum) may be to have the children temporarily fostered whilst you recuperate?

Not sure how the Covid restrictions would impact any assistance from people not in your bubble though. Perhaps there is a hospital social worker who could give you some advice?

Sending good wishes to you.

@DickBastardly I wasn’t expecting him to stay and nurse me and look after me but his whole attitude stank. I guess that’s the dynamics of an abusive relationship still at play. You still hope in a small way that person will care. It’s human nature and I wouldn’t treat someone unwell like that but then that’s what sets me and him apart. He should have been there to make sure his kids were ok without pestering me every 5 mins and having someone check up on me. If I had been unwell again in the night and had to go back in then what would have happened to them. I am pretty much their sole carer without me they are buggered aren’t they .

I mean we are in the middle of a lockdown wtf did he think I was ffs

You need to tell the hospital that you are being stalked by your ex and his new partner. Tell them not to give any information on the phone to anyone except your next of kin. If that’s your mother then give her a code word and tell the hospital.

The same re visitors. Explain you’ve had a court order against him and he’s now worse because he knows you are ill.

I’m not sure it’s a good idea for him to have a key for your house.

I don't know what to suggest op bit I feel for you.
Do you have a friend that can look after you after surgery?

It's weird he won't have them overnight.

How old are your kids?

Can your mother help while you recover after this surgery?

I think you just say "you have to keep the kids tonight as I am in hospital".I mean even if you were going to be discharged, don't tell him! And tell hospital staff not to divulge Info to anyone.

@Pinotpleasure Thankyou for those suggestions. My mum will be helping out with them and it’s already arranged. However why on Earth was his first immediate thought at the weekend to drive 30 miles and drop them off to her . He was with them not a million miles away from my home. He drives. He’s perfectly fit and healthy and able bodied and didn’t have work committments or anything that night or the following day

He is a massive shit head. I’m so sorry

Kids are aged between 15 and 6

My eldest son had his key on him and used that to get in

He kept asking which hospital I was in and said the kids were asking I didn’t think anything of it at the time. Yes I will make sure no info about me is to be given out via the phone again and he doesn’t know the date and location of my surgery anyway as he has no reason to know

I did exactly that. I text him and said I am going into hospital by ambulance you need to keep the children with you tonight. He simply replied and said no. No space here. I will drop them off to your mums. I thought cheeky bastard and it wasn’t convenient anyway for her to have them there so I relayed that. I just got scores of meaaages saying they are in the car and I am driving back with them make sure you leave a key out so I can get in etc over and over. When I didn’t reply he said if you don’t leave me a key I will come to the hospital to get your keys off of you. So ignoring wasn’t an option. As I say my eldest had a key on him and I told him this . He said I will sit with them until your back which was followed literally by messages every 20 mins saying any update ? What’s happening ? Are they keeping you in and so on

He sounds an ass but in the positive side it’s not long until your oldest can look after the youngest legally for short time periods. Hopefully your kids take after you and not your low life ex

Thanks. I have four of them so it’s a lot for eldest to be expected to cope with on his own. They are 15,9,7,6

Wow what an utterly horrendous human being, and worse still your poor kids have him as their dad. I’m speechless how vile and cold he has treated both you and his own flesh and blood. I wish you a speedy recovery. The kids are so lucky to have such a loving mother so feel proud of that although I appreciate that must be hard when you’re doing it alone all the time.

I would suggest calling his bluff if he pulls this type of stunt again

just reply saying

if you can''t look after your own dc then bring them to hospital and nurses have said they will get social service involved until I am better

and to be honest he doesn't sound like a responsible father - can understand why your no longer with him

[quote Feelinglost006]@Pinotpleasure Thankyou for those suggestions. My mum will be helping out with them and it’s already arranged. However why on Earth was his first immediate thought at the weekend to drive 30 miles and drop them off to her . He was with them not a million miles away from my home. He drives. He’s perfectly fit and healthy and able bodied and didn’t have work committments or anything that night or the following day[/quote]
He was making the point that he’s not doing you any favours. He’s still punishing you for leaving him.

He’s such a stupid bastard that he can’t see it’s his kids he is punishing and not you.

Just thank the Lord you got rid of him.
You won’t have him in your life forever, the children will grow as children do, and their relationship will be absolutely nothing to do with you.
More gin & flowers in the meantime
Hope you’re feeling better soon x

Sorry for everything you're going through. It sounds tough and lonely. Is there someone else other than your mother who can give you a bit of rest by taking care of the children? I wouldn't keep forcing the kids on your ex when he's so reluctant to have them. It can't be good for them surely to be forced on a parent who clearly doesn't want them. They deserve better.

Well he's a prize arse isn't he OP! I can see why you left him. Not only only does he drink too much and was abusive, but he is absolutely shite father, has no empathy and is unbelievably selfish! I appreciate that you are going through a tough time right now and would love some support from a partner. Firstly, no support is better than living with that prick. I pity his girlfriend! Secondly you have the support of your mother at least. See also if friends closer by could help out. Also, when the children grow up, they will see him for what he is- a great big useless feckless lump. You won't need to do anything negative in order to influence their view. It's a natural conclusion. I appreciate you feeling low right now, esp due to tiredness, pain and a break up. You've hit a low. But it won't always be like this. And one day your grown children will be there for you in way that they won't for him. Meanwhile you'll probably have a nice partner by the and he will be floundering around alone,having driven his current GF mad to distraction. Hang in there.

@S00LA

You need to tell the hospital that you are being stalked by your ex and his new partner. Tell them not to give any information on the phone to anyone except your next of kin. If that’s your mother then give her a code word and tell the hospital.

The same re visitors. Explain you’ve had a court order against him and he’s now worse because he knows you are ill.

I’m not sure it’s a good idea for him to have a key for your house.

I would have thought the hospital wouldn't be able to give out any information due to confidentiality?

What an absolutely shit. He clearly doesn’t care about his own children otherwise he would have wanted to keep them overnight so they felt safe and reassured. What a role model he is to the children...they must feel so unwanted by him. Hope your operation goes well and you recover quickly 💐.