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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dad & long term girlfriend

33 replies

user1494101503 · 10/11/2020 19:33

I’ve always had a rocky relationship with my dad. He walked out on my mam when I was little.
So he has helped me out financially a few times. However because of this he is so arrogant about it. I was very grateful for his help but will not take anymore help because of his attitude afterwards. We don’t visit him often as his girlfriend doesn’t really like me or my husband and I don’t think she likes my ds.
We was over his house (pre lockdown) and was playing in the the garden and picked a flower and was so excited about giving it to me.
I witnessed my dads girlfriend yelling at him and telling him what a naughty boy he was and to go and sit in the house and get out of her sight! He’s 4! My dad also witnessed this and just shrugged his shoulders at me.
Me and my husband walked out and went home. I’m fuming that she felt she could speak to him like this. I feel this wasn’t naughty behaviour. The flower one of many and certainly not a prize rose or anything. He was heart broken after and was so confused.
AIBU to not want anything to do with the pair of them?
Am I being unfair on my little boy that he doesn’t see his grandad? Not that he saw him often anyway.
I just feel so uncomfortable with his girlfriend acting how she did.

OP posts:
CareBear50 · 10/11/2020 20:45

She sounds horrible.

How have things been since that incident? Did your dad mention it?

OwlOne · 10/11/2020 20:47

You can be grateful for his financial assistance without needing to put up with your feelings being disregarded or your child shouted at.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 10/11/2020 21:10

Him seeing his grandson is a two-way street. If he made the effort he’d know why it hasn’t been happening.

Bookworming · 11/11/2020 07:16

That's horrible, what a nasty thing to do with a four year old.

I suppose you could see him outside the hone and alone? If you want a relationship with him?

Also if he gave money, IMO it should be no strings attached. That's not to say you shouldn't be grateful but that you don't have to put up with that behaviour.

Oysterbabe · 11/11/2020 07:30

Sounds like an OTT reaction from her. She should have left it to you to tell him off.

Mmn654123 · 11/11/2020 07:38

Yes she should have waited for you to control his behaviour. At 4, it’s not too young for him to understand that it’s not ok to pick flowers in other peoples gardens without permission. No need to yell at him though.

user1493413286 · 11/11/2020 07:46

I would invite your dad to yours to see your DS or meet out somewhere with the invite only to him. It sounds like a very overly harsh way to respond and not her place; she should have left it to you to explain that you don’t pick flowers in other peoples gardens.

TheTrashBagIsOursCmonTrashBag · 11/11/2020 07:59

What a bitch. I get not wanting your child (or anyone else) picking the flowers in her garden but yelling at him and telling him “get out of my sight” is the behaviour of a very nasty person. And dare I say it, she probably enjoyed every second of it if she already didn’t like any of you. I’d sack them off for good.

Bookworming · 11/11/2020 08:00

She should have left it to you to tell him off.

Or just explain you mustn't do,that, no telling off was needed.

Thisisnotnormal69 · 11/11/2020 08:01

Horrible way to talk to a 4 year old, though he shouldn’t have been picking flowers. But if you or anyone else hadn’t told him not to then he’s not to know any better.

Italiangreyhound · 11/11/2020 08:08

He was not picking flowers, just a flower. So a massive over reaction from her.

Your dad sounds very unpleasant.

If you want to see him, suggested a cuppa in a cafe or a walk in the park. If you don't want to see him just wait and see what he does.

O think the quality of the grandparent relationship rests on the quality of the grandparent, not simply on the fact you are related. So if he is not very nice, the relationship has little value.

emilyfrost · 11/11/2020 08:40

She was right to tell him not to pick the flower, but she didn’t need to yell at him. She should have told him off and explained why we don’t pick flowers.

SarahG6383 · 11/11/2020 08:55

Maybe she just snapped and she may have felt bad for it. Do you know how hard it is to grow flowers especially some flowers that only flower every few years or take lots of hard work, just because there’s ‘loads’ of them doesn’t excuse that he shouldn’t be picking them. It doesn’t mean she was right to shout at him though, maybe just talk to her?

Brefugee · 11/11/2020 09:06

She should have just said "that's a lovely flower but it is better to leave them growing, please don't pick any more"

It's really irritating when people just pick your flowers that you've carefully grown.

Your dad sounds like a bit of an arse though. Work how much he brings to your or DS' life and carry on from there. You don't need to have any relationship with his GF, but if she's long-term she's probably there to stay so you need a strategy.

Elvesinquarantine · 11/11/2020 09:08

My df married his gf. Told me a week later. I was the only dc not there from either family.
I was about 7.
She started to mellow when I was mid teens!
When I had dc she was quite accepting of them tbh.
Then she got 40 and decided she wasn't a real dgm and dumped them. Stopped visiting me at all.
Then df followed suit..
I moved and just didn't contact him again.
He doesn't even know how many dgc he has now..

LittleOwl153 · 11/11/2020 09:20

Forget the girlfriend she is clearly bad news and is unlikely to change.
On your dad - you have to decide what kind of relationship you want with him. Him not reacting against the gf suggests he will take her side no matter what. How does that sit with you? Sometimes parents are just too hard work and you need a break from them. DS will not miss someone who doesn't appear to care for him.

aSofaNearYou · 11/11/2020 10:09

To be honest I agree with the others saying it's not uncommon to view picking someone else's flowers as bad behaviour, and she may have worked hard on them. I don't really blame her for that incident. But if it's part of a wider pattern then YANBU.

SandyY2K · 11/11/2020 10:19

YANBU

I'm surprised that pp think this was acceptable of your dad's GF...but I suppose it goes to show there are other people like her in our midst.

You'll always get those kind and your dad's reaction is telling as well.. just shrugging after she shouted at your DS ...If he had trampled and stomped on the flowers I'd understand her anger.

Your DS will be fine without a GD who can't speak up for him.

WorrierorWarrior · 11/11/2020 10:19

Your dad's girlfriend should not have shouted at your child. If she said anything she could have spoken in a normal voice and explained to the child not to pick flowers.
Or the girlfriend could have spoken to you and explained what had happened and asked you not to let the child pick flowers
I am not happy with the people who take money from parents and then moan about their parents.

Maybe the answer is no flowers and no money, but it is totally unreasonable to use a child as a manipulation.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 11/11/2020 10:25

I am not happy with the people who take money from parents and then moan about their parents.

So giving your children financial help essentially buys you their compliance and the right to do as you like? I don’t think so.

WorrierorWarrior · 11/11/2020 11:31

@StillCoughingandLaughing You have only taken one side of what I said.

Is a child born to be used to manipulate parents/grandparents?
Maybe dad's girlfriend thinks if the daughter/mum (OP) is old enough to be a mother she is old enough to finance her own way through life and is seeing the "borrowing" of money from her partner which might have affected her and the partner's plans.
Could people not co-operate

lilmishap · 11/11/2020 11:36

I am not happy with the people who take money from parents and then moan about their parents

I am equally unhappy with people taking their child to a place where they may be hollered at for fairly normal 4 year old behaviour while a blatantly unconcerned grandparent shrugs it off as if it's nothing.
I am even more unhappy with parents who think they deserve to behave however the hell they want to their offspring and grandkids and screw the consequences just cause they dished out some cash.

lilmishap · 11/11/2020 11:37

Manipulate??? It's called not putting your child through shitty experiences they don't need to have AKA parenting with your childs best interests at heart.

lilmishap · 11/11/2020 11:44

She should have just said "that's a lovely flower but it is better to leave them growing, please don't pick any more"

It's really irritating when people just pick your flowers that you've carefully grown

Perfectly put, it is annoying but not tantrum worthy. I have cats who delight in playing with certain flowers I spent time on by playing I mean killing. It's annoying. RIP Sunflowers 3 and 4 apparently you were too climb-able.
Yelling at a 4 year old is not ok, she could have explained it to him in an age appropriate way.
Like an adult would

Alexandernevermind · 11/11/2020 12:00

Now I'm the fussiest person on the planet as far as my garden is concerned, but there is no way in hell I would treat a visiting child like this. The cash from your father did not buy her the right to treat your son so appallingly. If you are to have a relationship with them going forward some serious talking needs to be done.

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