To think there's a point where it's too late to hugely change your life

[FloatingOutOnTheTide]

I'm forever hearing "it's never too late to change"; "life can be anything you want it to be"; "only you hold yourself back".

But just being realistic here - by the time you are in later middle age. Married with children and no good reason to leave your marriage. In a career. If you aren't already very wealthy, you're not likely to become so, unless you inherit or win the lottery. You can't make drastic career changes that late in life. You can't strategically marry if you're already married (and yes, before I get flamed, a lot of people do aquire wealth through marriage).

It is far harder to be a free spirit travelling the world if you've already got children and mortgage commitments. Your body and looks are only going in one direction, eventually, no matter how much you fight it with treatments and exercise. It will catch up with you at some point.

Just doing a lot of thinking at the moment and it seems it's just too late - I'd like to be super successful and wealthy and well travelled and to have made more of my looks whilst younger.. But the barrage of inspirational slogans saying it's never too late just don't ring true. Sometimes it is.

I think to make a sudden big change is difficult, but incremental changes add up, so it is possible, but usually smaller steps regularly will lead to a bigger overall change over a longer period of time. For example, spending 15 mins a day on exercise, then 15 mins a day on a new project or learning a skill. These small chunks add up! It's the only way I've found that works (with my responsibilities as a single parent!).

I think that there are several different types of people

Some dream & don't do

Some do

Plus there are people in between the two

I had planned to travel extensively when I had retired
However, I started earlier & I'm so glad that I've got so many great memories to look back on

I agree that you are never too old
There is always something new to learn
There is always something new to see
There are new people to meet
New smells, tastes, experiences

I look forward to more of everything in the future

Its never too late to change things, but there is always a balance of risks. You could go off right now and travel if you really wanted. Pick up bits of work as and when, live super cheaply. Or you could make a plan to go to more places as a family, change priorities, work more, save hard, take a year sabbatical to go round India in a campervan together and rent out your house.

I get your point but also I have known several people (between the ages of 40 and 60 who have retrained and completely changed direction later in life, even with kids. It is possible (for the right kind of person). Something they all had in common, they're all risk takers and very confident people, it's paid off mostly for them so there you go.

i think the middle part of your life is the hardest - when you have kids and work and commitments. its hard to make any large changes without it impacting on the kids or your earning ability etc.

@TruthorDares8 see that's what I keep being told when I get down about this...that you either dream or you do. And maybe it comes down to what it is you're dreaming about. Things like travel are possible to make happen to an extent - you can plan locations which work with the kids whilst they're young or go somewhere bigger less frequently, or make loads of plans for exciting places you'll go when they grow up.

I think it's the career and wealth aspect I especially struggle with. Feels like I've missed the boat on those despite best intentions and now it's too late to do anything which would make a significant enough difference. In fact, I've only just taken a new job and it's not really progressed me much further at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much wanting the travel dream AND the wealth dream AND the career dream. (And heck, even the perfect partner and house dream if I'm honest!!!).

But I do feel down when I look back and see a clear path that things could have been different had different choices been made, but they can't be undone at this stage.

A 45 year old friend gave up his job as a finance officer in London to teach scuba diving in Malaysia 10 years ago. He's still there, having a ball by the looks of it!

I'm 58 and feel I'm really running out of time now, up until now I feel I'd managed very well, retraining for a new job at 45, moving to the West Country amongst other things but now I'm thinking I have only 9 years at the most before retirement so all of my energy is going into saving for that and making extra mortgage payments, I don't have time for anything else.
I didn't think I'd be growing old alone, I was so happy to meet my husband and get married at 40 and thought we were really, really happy and "soulmates", I know there is no such thing. Then he walked out on me totally out of the blue and has moved hundreds of miles away, I was devastated but I feel it's too late now to find that special person when I thought I had that special person. Nobody else can share the special things we shared over many years so I just have to accept I'll be on my own now. It wasn't the future I saw for myself.

Well it's just a figure of speech to encourage you to get out of a rut. It's not meant to be literal unless you are naive or prone to magical thinking

I met and fell in love with my husband when I was 18 years old. We have been together for 25 years now and I'd say that from the moment we met my life and opportunities were limited to some extent. For both of us as we wouldn't leave each other for various opportunities, we did long distance twice for about a year each time due to masters degrees and working overseas.

There were certainly things I would have liked to have done that I turned down or didn't pursue due to him and vice versa.

I feel a bit sad about some of it but I'd be even sadder for us not to be together now and the sacrifices we both made for each other are ultimately worth it.

I think that any ties in life can limit you no matter what age you are.

I'm 40 and looking to move countries (but we both hope to keep out existing careers) with 2 DC (tweens) so I hope it is doable!

I think it’s difficult once you have commitments. My children have disabilities so there’s no chance of just picking a new career because it’s virtually impossible to find anything to fit around them and also travel because they struggle going places. I think it probably doesn’t help we’re sold big dreams. Dreams of an amazing career, a big house, a dream partnership and the reality isn’t always the case.

There are points where it's possible.

Before marriage.
Before children.
While children are small.
When children go away to uni.
When they leave home.

I took the 'when children leave home' chance to work overseas. I was a young mum so was able to do it at 45. If I'd had kids v late/late 30s on, I'd have been too old.

@Trixie18 maybe that's a lot of it. I think you're right that very confident people who are big risk takers manage to achieve these things because they don't allow themselves to be constrained. It is very difficult to train yourself to be a risk taker if you are absolutely not one and the fear of the implications for those connected to you, or what society expects of you (eg the need to pay bills, to have a roof over your head if all goes wrong, to not die alone etc etc) cannot be shaken off.

I have a very different life to the one I had a few years ago. I divorced exh, then met dp, moved home, bought a rental property, holiday cottage, campervan, my dc got their own homes, one is having a baby. I made new friends through dp and vice versa so my social life changed except for majority of this year. I now about to go semi retired too.

I think you can always improve your situation if you have enough grit. I know single mums who have gone back to uni for years, graduated with a PhD and are now on very high incomes that has changed the life of their children. It’s up to the person.

Blimey I hope not. Im mid 40’s just about to get divorced and have to start again with career having been a samn for 15 years! 😂

I'm now single, divorcing and have decided to move to the other side of the country to start over next year.

I think divorce can certainly be a catalyst for major change. It gives you opportunity to do things selfishly the way you would have if starting again...OR a potential chance of meeting someone in the future who betters your situation via them. But it's trickier in a way when there's nothing really wrong with your marriage just it doesn't contribute to achieving the hopes and dreams you'd want. You can't just divorce your partner on the basis of low earning potential between the two of you, or not being able to travel enough because of inflexible jobs, or needing to stay in the area for their work. Nor would I want to divorce, I love my DH....but I do recognise that my marriage choices have contributed to lack of achieving my dreams.

I'm not sure how old you are but dreaming of 'wealth' is something people usually grow out of - it doesn't usually feature in the list of regrets..

When you talk about a career - do you just mean any career or were you focused on something you missed out on?

Interesting thread...

I was scolding dsis for spending vast sums on the lottery, and she replied that at 60 she wasn’t going to inherit, wasn’t going to earn a huge salary now, and highly unlikely to meet a rich husband. It made me think... and now I buy quite a few lottery tickets .

You’re expressing everything I feel, FloatingOutOnTheTide.

This is such a depressing way to think.
We likely only have one life and if we don't do what we want we'll all die with regrets, some bigger than others.
Our life isn't endless but regret is.

@Trixie18 that sounds amazing!

I think you can change things, but it's always a trade-off.

If you want to travel, but you don't have loads of money or annual leave, then you could think about working abroad, but it would entail making big changes - job, kids school, house etc.

Sell your house and move to a cheaper area to free up money? But that means living in the cheaper area.

If you wanted to change career you could, but again would probably involve losing money by going part-time to retrain or whatever.

Basically at this point in life you've built up a lot of structure and to change things means needing to break stuff down.