To think there's a point where it's too late to hugely change your life

[FloatingOutOnTheTide]

I'm forever hearing "it's never too late to change"; "life can be anything you want it to be"; "only you hold yourself back".

But just being realistic here - by the time you are in later middle age. Married with children and no good reason to leave your marriage. In a career. If you aren't already very wealthy, you're not likely to become so, unless you inherit or win the lottery. You can't make drastic career changes that late in life. You can't strategically marry if you're already married (and yes, before I get flamed, a lot of people do aquire wealth through marriage).

It is far harder to be a free spirit travelling the world if you've already got children and mortgage commitments. Your body and looks are only going in one direction, eventually, no matter how much you fight it with treatments and exercise. It will catch up with you at some point.

Just doing a lot of thinking at the moment and it seems it's just too late - I'd like to be super successful and wealthy and well travelled and to have made more of my looks whilst younger.. But the barrage of inspirational slogans saying it's never too late just don't ring true. Sometimes it is.

I think you have to work out what you want but you do need to be prepared to sacrifice to get it. In a PP the OP said she wanted a higher role - why not map out how to get there, you are just under 40 so that should be achievable. Could you study as well as work? If you are focussed it can massive pay off (and has for me). However, you can't have that without sacrifice of time and some money at the start - it all depends what you value most.

I know people who have totally changed their lives in their 50s and 60s. In every case it was not about money or material success, but choosing a life that made them happy and fulfilled. One became a nun, one sold a house in Dublin, moved to a small town and became a landlord/smallholder. A friend's parents moved to Turkey, another friend's mum became a reiki healer. In every case their dreams were not about wealth/beauty.

I think it is perfectly possible to change your life, but it is not possible to go back and live life differently to be in a different place now. Not am I convinced more money or travel would really bring you fulfillment OP - I get the feeling you might be having a midlife existential wobble where everything just feels a bit under?

I think if I could be absolutely anything, I'd like to be a psychiatrist specialising in relationship issues. Or a film director. Which sounds utterly random but at one stage my life could have plausibly gone down either of those routes. It is unlikely either would be particularly lucrative and certainly wouldn't be if I tried to break into them now. Neither could be further away from what I currently do. I'm not the entrepreneurial start your own business type and, to be honest, that doesn't really appeal to me - I'm very risk adverse and like knowing there's a guaranteed salary each month. But I'm aware those who earn the most break free of that thinking and work for themselves.

I think you have misinterpreted "you can do anything" to mean "you can do everything (and doing it will be easy)". So you can, for example, have a lifetime spent travelling. But you can't have a lifetime spent travelling, and have a high flying career, and have different careers, and raise a family, and have loads of money in the banks and have heaps of free time, and have that all come easily. Most of us can choose just some of those things or do them at different times.

Also I think you have to look at why you didn't choose these things in the first place. It's easy to say now "oh I wish I could travel, I would if I could". But that isn't true because when you could, you didn't. Or if you did, you freely choose to stop. It's much easier to want to do something than to actually do it, it's all of the fun with none of the hassle.

@TheYearOfSmallThings weirdly, I can see why becoming a nun would appeal. I've often thought if I can't have it all, I'd like to join a commune somewhere that completely devalues the materialistic and has little contact with the outside world. All or nothing. Again, not possible with kids and husband.

[quote FloatingOutOnTheTide]@TruthorDares8 see that's what I keep being told when I get down about this...that you either dream or you do. And maybe it comes down to what it is you're dreaming about. Things like travel are possible to make happen to an extent - you can plan locations which work with the kids whilst they're young or go somewhere bigger less frequently, or make loads of plans for exciting places you'll go when they grow up.

I think it's the career and wealth aspect I especially struggle with. Feels like I've missed the boat on those despite best intentions and now it's too late to do anything which would make a significant enough difference. In fact, I've only just taken a new job and it's not really progressed me much further at all. Maybe I'm expecting too much wanting the travel dream AND the wealth dream AND the career dream. (And heck, even the perfect partner and house dream if I'm honest!!!).

But I do feel down when I look back and see a clear path that things could have been different had different choices been made, but they can't be undone at this stage. [/quote]
Surely you could just as easily look back and think of all the wrong decisions you could have made and didn't e.g maybe become some sort of addict or you could have been scammed and lost all your money. There is an infinite number of worse routes your journey could have taken. All you can do is make the best decision you can every step of the way and not to let the mistakes eat you up.

Don't you think that's a bit of an excuse though? "I'd love to join a commune and renounce materialism, but I'm married, oh well guess I'll have to sit here in my comfy house and stable job and go shopping on the weekend, bummer".

You definitely can't bring the family into the convent!

TB it just sounds like you are bored of the mundane repetitive natural of life and craving freedom, excitement and anything that is new and different. Very natural, many of us are a bit doldromy at the moment.

I have a few friends who have re-trained quite drastically aged 45-50, getting master's degrees etc. Off the top of my head: environmental science, tree surgeon, speech therapy, yoga teacher, nutritionist. It's not too late if you know what you want to do.

I think it's depressing to think there's a cut off for doing things

As with anything, there's tradeoffs to make and circumstances can make things easier or more difficult.

The issue I think some people have is they want to have their cake and eat it too, then get despondent if they can't do it (e.g. want to go travelling, but also want to have the security of a job and know they've got their house to come back to).

You definitely can't bring the family into the convent!

Well no, but thing is that the desire to do these hard, inconvenient things only seems to come on when they are impossible. When they are perfectly possible they seem way too hard and inconvenient, and not particularly appealing. Grass is greener and all.

@FloatingOutOnTheTide

I think if I could be absolutely anything, I'd like to be a psychiatrist specialising in relationship issues. Or a film director. Which sounds utterly random but at one stage my life could have plausibly gone down either of those routes. It is unlikely either would be particularly lucrative and certainly wouldn't be if I tried to break into them now. Neither could be further away from what I currently do. I'm not the entrepreneurial start your own business type and, to be honest, that doesn't really appeal to me - I'm very risk adverse and like knowing there's a guaranteed salary each month. But I'm aware those who earn the most break free of that thinking and work for themselves.

I don't think you can be a psychiatrist specializing in relationship issues (not sure that's a thing). What is certainly a thing is being a Psychotherapist specializing in relationship issues. You are the perfect age for something like this as some life experience is usually needed. You'll want to be registered with an accrediting body (BACP, UKCP, BPS). It'll take a 3yr part-time Master's level training (complete with essays, placements etc) so by the time you're 45yrs old, you can be neck deep in that career. I have friends that have pursued that path in their late 40s having completely changed careers and they are doing well.

You most certainly can if you want to. What do you think about pursuing that?

If you want something, I agree that there needs to be sacrifices. Whether that is time, energy, money, relationships, material things, other things

If you want to travel

I know people who work 6 months in 1 country & 6 months in another country

I've met people who have volunteered in foreign countries

I know people who work shifts which allow blocks of time off

I know families who have moved abroad

You need to work out what you want & make a plan of action

It’s never too late. The fact that anyone can be hit by a bus and permanently disabled at any age will tell you that it’s never too late for your life to be majorly changed. Since it can happen through an accident, it can certainly happen by choice.

My gran started giving a patchwork/quilting class at age 89/90 😁. Never too old to start something new. My dad met his girlfriend at age 63 and started travelling with her and going out trying new things.

It might be that age could stop you having a career in something, but there is still plenty in the world left to experience at whatever age.

@TonMoulin thanks for your reply. I do have a lot on in life as it is but I wish I could develop the skills I have into something fulfilling like play therapy/art therapy. I do have a few courses I'm signed up to but even them get put on the back burner. I just need to motivate myself more xxx

I think when you reach 50 you could well have another 50 years to go. It's a lot of years to write off. You have another 17 years of work before state pension age. There isn't really a point when you have to settle for a blue rinse and fetching the paper. Of course you can change career. Make a plan. See if it's viable. Take small steps in the right direction.

@insideoutsider it sounds great actually, I will look into it more. The trouble is I've only just started a new job which I took in hopes of feeling more fulfilled (still in same line of work I've been in for the past twenty years) but if anything it is even more soul destroying. As I am new though it leaves me less spare time for having a side hustle or time to study on the side which is a shame as my previous job, whilst stagnant, would have given lots of time to do just that. Another bad choice.

Weirdly thinking about Joe Biden and Trump has given me hope. I keep thinking if they can do all that stuff at their age then there's plenty of time ahead of me too!

Also I think you have to look at why you didn't choose these things in the first place

This, very much this. And one thing that does seem to stand out is, you don't seem terribly keen on doing the hard work.

You are not old: people far older than you retrain, start anew, become successful. But success doesn't just land in their laps: they have to be prepared to work hard.

Even being a nun doesn't come without an effort: I imagine it could be pretty miserable if you didn't make a serious attempt to connect with God- and that means hard work.

I think it's the career and wealth aspect I especially struggle with. Feels like I've missed the boat on those despite best intentions and now it's too late to do anything which would make a significant enough difference.

I think maybe if you are already on a decent wage it can be harder to take the risk.

I wasn’t (was a support worker for disabled people - paid barely minimum wage). So when the opportunity arose it was much easier to take a leap in to the unknown, or in my case an adult access to HE course.

I’m now a medical physicist and our finances are much healthier!

In fact, DH is now thinking of retraining in his late 40s (he stayed in a minimum wage job to facilitate me going to college/uni)

You can do most things (not anything - I’ll neber be an Olympic high jumper at 5’2”) but you can’t do / be / have everything. To achieve a big change You need to focus and work hard on that one thing.... so you could do an mba with the aim to really up your career when your kids are older, or retrain as a relationship therapist, or travel, but probably (definitely) not all of the above.

You need to actually know what you want. That is the big challenge.

Instead of feeling you can’t chNge your current life, put time into working out what it is you want the most. If you have focus you can make change.

Never too late to study, I'm 43 and started uni in September. OU is fab, time is always an issue but you just have want it enough.

My grandfather did an OU degree in the 70s while working full time in the steelworks and with a family still at home. And that was without all the technology we have, he had to set an alarm to watch the lectures on TV at stupid oclock until they could afford to buy a video.

It depends what your goals are and what changes you want to make? There will need some balance and I guess a thinking of being happy with your lot, but it doesn’t mean you have to give up on dreams they just might need balancing and a bit of sacrifice of less important things on the way

Not rtft but I had a major career change at 55 - not as drastic as, sAy, farming to agriculture as it was in the same broad field, but it was the best thing I ever did