To think that some people think wfh is the same as “housewife”

[Mammylamb]

DH is usually an equal partner in all things house and chore related: and this worked well in lockdown.

But since going back to work outside of the house, he seems to think I’m a housewife: leaves dishes out, leaves bins unemptied, I get DS ready for school while he eats a leisurely breakfast. He seems surprised that dinner isn’t ready when he gets home, or that washing isn’t up to date.

These are all small things, but it’s been creeping up, and he’s never been like this before!

A friend says her husband has been similar while she has been wfh

Yep...mother land created an episode on this “mother’s load“

This exact same thing has happened to me

DP normally washes up - I cook - now every morning I come down and there's still the pile of washing up left. I'm tempted to just let it build up but also it drives me round the bend. Its like he thinks I sit around with my feet up all day even though when he gets in I'm still working

Very annoying

My DP isn't too bad about this (though I worked from home long before Covid and we did have to have some conversations in the early days). But actually it's my neighbours that annoy me the most! One of mine clearly thinks I'm doing nothing all day as she's constantly on at me to help her with food bank donations, hinting that I should be helping her with her charity work for the elderly, etc. etc. I agreed to do one thing because it was easy for me and inconvenient for her, so rearranged my work day so I could nip out. Nothing there. I got in touch and she said 'oh, I told you the wrong day. Oops.'

I think some people just can't get their heads around it. My DP still goes 'out' to work, and for some reason it seems to have given a lot of people the idea that she must be the breadwinner and if I claim I'm working, I get lots of indulgent smiles. And I've been asked why my DD is in nursery 'since you're home all day and you must miss her'.

What does he say when you talk to him about the fact that a. You are working in the day and b. Just because he has to leave the home for work it doesn't absolve him of basic chores like cleaning up after yourself or parenting. Have you asked to take turns getting children ready? I find it really weird one of you sitting having a nice relaxing breakfast while the other looks after children.

I guess I'm lucky, we both worked from home a day a week before lockdown, the one that is home does tend to do a few more bits in the house but only if work allows it and it's not expected.

What do you do when he's eating his "leisurely breakfast"? Run around like a blue arsed fly and not say anything. I would be saying "DH can you get kids dressed while I do XYZ" or "ask daddy to help you put your shoes on". Just dont do it all and it won't become an expectation.

Don't let it slide. It'll be the beginning of the end. He'll have an easy life compared to you, and resentment will build.

just tell him and get a better balance

His take on it is that I can sit and eat while working, while he can’t (he’s not allowed to eat/ drink at desk due to Covid). But it’s the other things that irritate me like expecting lunch ready when he gets home from work: id rather take my lunch when it suits me rather than pulling myself away from what I’m doing to make his lunch.

This is only a fairly recent thing: a month or so, as until then he was WFH too and pulled his weight equally.

If I were still with my ex, he would absolutely expect me to do all the housework while wfh. His job means he has to be out of the house, so he would see me wfh as being lazy, and therefore I should do it all.

DD’s friend (12) is also the same with her mum. Dad goes out. Mum works at home and she offers her as a service to drive her and her friends around during the school holidays. Drives her mum insane.

wow that sounds horrible!

Both my husband & I are working at home mostly we just leave the place in a mess tbh most of the day - then on lunch break we will both do a quick blast together - clean up the dishes etc!

If one of us has time to through a load of laundry on we will

take turns getting the dinner ready etc

I'm out at work like twice a week at the moment and expect nothing to be done on my return

He is out at work rarely - but again he just expects to come home to nothing done, no food etc

your husband sounds really selfish tbh

@Mammylamb

His take on it is that I can sit and eat while working, while he can’t (he’s not allowed to eat/ drink at desk due to Covid). But it’s the other things that irritate me like expecting lunch ready when he gets home from work: id rather take my lunch when it suits me rather than pulling myself away from what I’m doing to make his lunch.

This is only a fairly recent thing: a month or so, as until then he was WFH too and pulled his weight equally.

So you dont get a lunchbreak whereas he does? That is his argument.

So your lack of lunchbreak means that you can then fit your hours in leaving you time to do everything else

He makes his own lunch

YANBU

I can understand people wanting their WFH partners to take advantage of the flexibility sometimes (eg DH will hang laundry out when he is having a break rather than wait for me to get in), but leaving the person WFH to do everything is out of order.

Having meals ready for him is just horrible because it seems to rest on a very dated idea that it's your job to look after the poor man who has had a long hard day at work.

Yep, I got that when I started my own business based at home. BUT, when he retired and I was still working, I turned the tables! Now he does everything.

Why does he want you to make his lunch?

What did he do when you were working outside of the home?

Are you me??

Before COVID my husband dropped kids off and school and childminders abs picked them up as he finished at 3pm and I finished at 6. I would come home and he'd have fed the kids (usually with food I had pre-prepared) and I'd clean up. He would sometimes hoover and tidy if nothing had been cleared from the morning ie breakfast plates etc.

I'd say it was 60/40. He'd always say he cut the grass and washed cars which made up for it.

Now

It is definitely 80/20.

I get kids ready in morning usually and give them breakfast.

I drop kids off at school as they now have to be there at a certain time due to bubbles and too late for him.

I come home and clear breakfast plates.

Start work

Lunch - hoover or hang up washing/put washing in.

Evening- dinner in for kids (he picks them up)

I usually clean up again whilst he takes kids through music practice fair enough.

I make pack lunches

I also iron everyone's clothes for the week she change bedding. If I don't do it it's chaos during week mornings.

I feel like going back to the office. I didn't sign up for this - working full time, demanding job and small kids plus housework.

I asked him to put away the stuff he had taken out to make his packed lunch please and he said "the way you talk to me is draining sometimes".

Cos I asked him to put stuff back cos it would be left to me.

He's not going to get away with it. I'm getting n a cleaner.

Be more of an arse about it in order to save your marriage.

I found that I had to be vocal about having back to back meetings or urgent work all day except for a specific lunch hour I kept free. In reality I could have been much more flexible but I was making a point. It worked. I sometimes get him to do all the evening activities because I have to make up time due to taking time out during the day to deal with a plumber, an awkward school run, going to the post office for him

Eldest DS did something similar with clothing. When doing lockdown school work he would wear his school blazer. It signalled to himself and the rest of the family that he was "at school." I have started dressing for work more too.

Before this we took turns each at making lunch the night before. One of us would put DS to bed, the other would sort the dishes and make packed lunches etc. But now in the evening only the bare minimum is done (ie dishes washed but not dried and put away). I think it’s thoughtlessness rather than anything else, as this has only started recently

This shit ends marriages. It the resentment, it burns and festers and rots until you lose your shit.

Be more forceful about getting back to the normal evening routine.

I wouldn't phrase it as he has started taking advantage of you or he has stopped pulling his weight as that will just drive argument and defensiveness.

I would phrase it as we've become a right pair of lazy slobs, let's get back to our usual evening routine, I'll do bedtime tonight while you the kitchen and lunches

I would also revert to lunch is packed lunches the night before because you are both too busy to make something on the fly.

While you are at it, book some morning meetings so he has to do the breakfast.

Maybe muse that you think your boss is getting suspicious that people are not working their hours properly so you need to be seen to be working not doing housework or having breakfast when you are being paid to work.

@StrippedFridge some good ideas there. I don’t want to get into a big argument about it, so not raised it when I’m angry as it’s counter productive. He’s never been like this before, and he’s not a sexist type of guy, so I think it’s a bit of laziness and not really thinking.

I've always worked from home, and this has been an issue with pretty much everyone I've lived with, including friends, boyfriend and parents. DP who I live with now is actually the most understanding, though he can be a little distracting when he's on a day off - but he certainly doesn't expect me to do anything.

My mum used to come home from work and have a go at me because certain things hadn't been done, like washing, cleaning, gardening, shopping etc. I told her I was happy to do them, but it'd have to wait until the weekend when I was off. So she would then go stomping round (while I was still working - or trying to) doing these jobs very loudly, when there was absolutely no need whatsoever. With only me and her in the house, the hoovering can absolutely be done once a week, and there's no need to be putting a load of washing on at 6pm either considering I could get it all washed and dried every Saturday. It used to cause such major problems between us!

I can absolutely believe that Linda. When I was studying for 5 highers (Scottish version of a levels) and working part time 20 hours a week at the same time, If my mum saw me sat down studying she would have it in her head that I was skiving and that I should be helping her with housework instead.

This would drive me bananas! In fact it did drive me bananas when with exh. I used to wfh some days and others I’d be out doing a very demanding job (mentally but also somewhat physically).

He used to leave everything to me because, idk, I was female I guess! Stay at his office long enough that id have to do it.

I’m so glad I’m single now! I still do all the work but it’s much better without the simmering resentment of someone eating a leisurely breakfast and eating meals without doing the clearing up! There’s less work to do without the additional adult too.

Well, today I had to also take the dog out as well as shower and get ready in my lunch break (I didn’t shower before work as I was getting DS ready, and normally a dog walker takes the dog out, but she’s poorly). So, he decided just to have lunch at work. So, I’ve not managed to get to the dishes left or so any washing’s