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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling very left out by my in laws

44 replies

Cupcakejamlover · 09/11/2020 20:59

To keep it short and simple: I currently live with my in laws. I was upstairs in my room watching some youtube and then went downstairs to grab some water and saw that the whole family was gathered watching a movie together. My mother in law, father in law, 2 sister in laws and a brother in law. My husband too was in the same room on the house desk doing his work. I just felt really upset that no one cared enough to ask me if i wanted to join, especially that i have arranged movie nights multiple times before and included everyone. I felt really left out and as if they dont see me as part of the family, or just did not care at all to ask me if i would like to join. I went upstairs and cried for like 15 minutes, and to be honest i dont know if im over exaggerating or if its understandable to be this upset... what would you do in this situation? Would you be this upset? If yes, would you bring it up or just say im moving out soon anyway?

OP posts:
Temporary1234 · 09/11/2020 21:02

I understand how you feel.

There could be many reasons why they didn’t . Can’t tell, do you get on with them?

Maybe they felt you wanted peace in your room and didn’t want to pressure you?

Maybe they needed space as a family.

How long have you lived with them ?

Cultural background ?

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2020 21:04

It could be that they didn't want to disturb you. They may have thought you wanted to be alone since you were up in your bedroom. It's easy to think the worst, but it just might not be the case.

If you are moving soon, I would stay quiet about it. No good will come from making drama about such a small issue.

Macncheeseballs · 09/11/2020 21:05

Maybe try to hang out with them more, rather than sitting on your own in your room watching you tube, maybe they think you want to be on your own

mumtoallboys · 09/11/2020 21:06

As an isolated event I don't think it sounds that bad. Had they pre organised it? If it just kind of evolved then I don't think it was intentional. Did they maybe think your partner had told you? Maybe they didn't want to disturb you in your bedroom in case you were working or even just they thought it would be intense, as you live there I am sure you see a lot of each other.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/11/2020 21:07

To be fair to your in-laws, they may be thinking the same about you. You stay in your room watching videos when you could be downstairs with them. No one forbade you from joining them.

AhoyMeFarties · 09/11/2020 21:09

Yes, I would.
It doesn't matter where you were in the house. They should have asked you if you wanted to watch the film . Very rude of them.

SBTLove · 09/11/2020 21:11

You cried for 15 minutes? are you very young? do all of you live together?

WotWouldCJDo · 09/11/2020 21:12

This is bizarre, almost unbelievable Hmm

What does your husband think?

MintyMabel · 09/11/2020 21:22

Why would you need an invitation to go and watch TV in a room in a house where you live?

SarahBellam · 09/11/2020 21:24

Do you think they had a secret prearranged movie night they were hiding from you? Is it not more likely that one of them said, ‘Oh look, the Little Mermaid’s on’, sat down, and then the rest of them sat down? If you think it was malicious or deliberately mean that’s one thing, but if it’s an isolated incident then it wouldn’t cross my mind that it’s in any way wrong.

Twigletfairy · 09/11/2020 21:26

Was it planned though? Or did it happen by chance? They may not have deliberately excluded you? Next time just go and join them!

kazzer2867 · 09/11/2020 21:34

But your husband was in the room too. Why didn't he ask if you wanted to join the rest of the family?

Original poster
Cupcakejamlover · 09/11/2020 21:37

Yeah we do get on quite well usually. According to my husband it just happened and no one really thought of it much. In my opinion still i would have said oh lets call X if i was there and someone else was upstairs. Im 23, dont think thats extremely young but i am pregnant maybe that explains some of the hormones. And for those saying why i need an invitation or why i didnt go by myself, i didnt know they were watching a movie. When i went downstairs it was near the end and i was so upset i didnt want to join at that point. For those saying why i was in my room watching youtube, usually everyone does that after dinner, everyone just goes in their room and does their own thing. I do try to spend time with them and make game nights, movie nights etc and include everyone. Maybe thats why i felt so offended...

OP posts:
Sadhoot · 09/11/2020 21:39

I think you are possibly reading too much into this. Unless there is a massive backstory to why you think they don't see you as part of the family, pull yourself together and tomorrow morning ask them how the film was - I'm sure there will be a comment along the lines of "we didn't want to disturb you".

Crunched · 09/11/2020 21:40

I think this was down to your DH to speak up and say "Cupcakejamlover may enjoy this movie"

Spiderbaby8 · 09/11/2020 21:41

I think it depends on if there is a backstory of them always leaving you out, treating you badly. Otherwise they may have just thought you wanted some alone time, or maybe they were channel hopping and found a film and didn't think it was your thing.

BlueJava · 09/11/2020 21:42

I think you are over thinking it - if it just happened rather than being an arranged thing they probably thought you were fine by yourself.

katy1213 · 09/11/2020 21:43

And do you usually watch TV by invitation only? do you have to RSVP?
You sound about 12! If you're skulking upstairs, why would anybody come and get you?

NullcovoidNovember · 09/11/2020 21:44

Wow your pregnant too.

Op are they happy? For today standard your young to be having a child.

It's only one isolated slight... I'd let it go.
But beware. This is the sort of thing that can sow the seeds of discord can't it when the baby has arrived....

Exclusion, its fine for them to exclude but, my god there might be a fuss if you dare to exclude them...

Op, as a one off... Try and put it into perspective.

But if it happens more, you know where you stand.

OwlOne · 09/11/2020 21:44

Feeling unwelcome in somebody else's home is a horrible feeling :-(

Perhaps, without being at all pessimistic about the situation you're in right now, acknowledge that you're going to find it hard, at times.

Being in the midst of somebody else's family is never going to be easy. And throw a pregnancy and covid lockdown in to the mix and it's going to be even more challenging.

It's a challenging situation and you're finding it challenging. x

candle18 · 09/11/2020 21:49

Do the sister and brother in laws live there too? If not then they were maybe visiting and decided to watch a movie whereas if you live there you’re more likely to do your own thing.

Runkle · 09/11/2020 21:58

The film was nearly finished when you came down so you'd been gone over and hour and not realised they'd all gone down to watch a film? Perhaps they thought you were sleeping? I really think you're overreacting and need to let this go. You're going or need their support going forward, no point making this an issue.

Original poster
Cupcakejamlover · 09/11/2020 22:03

Thanks everyone. I agree i was over reacting, reading you guys saying that just helped me realise it. They don’t treat me badly and i do usually feel welcome so im sure its my hormones driving me crazy! For those asking, yes baby was planned and they are really excited about it.

OP posts:
Anothermother3 · 09/11/2020 22:15

Ah hormones are hard and pregnancy is hard and you are young (don’t mean to be patronising you sound more stable than I was at your age). Hope you feel okay now.

saraclara · 09/11/2020 22:19

Well done OP. No need for me to post what I was about to, as you've already realised you were way over-reacting. That was a quick and sensible realisation, so good on you.

Hormones are a pain!