DD8 school refusing - AIBU to make her go?

[Jourdain11]

I'm just posting here to see if anyone has any strategies for this. It is not something I've had to deal with before for any of my kids, and I'm not sure if we're taking the right approach.

DD is finding school very difficult this year, for a variety of reasons. She has one-to-one support for part of the day, three days a week, but she is struggling with concentration and anxiety and gets overwhelmed very easily. At half term she was in a remarkably better place, to the point that she seemed like a different child. But since they've been back, it has been incident after incident and today she point-blank refused to go. She had an absolute meltdown and there was just no way to get her out of the door. I was hoping to manage to get her to go in for the afternoon, but she wasn't coping with the idea.

The trouble is, we are not in a position to homeschool currently and with such limited childcare options, it is difficult to keep her off. I feel like I need to make it easier and less overwhelming for her, but I just don't know what strategies to use. The school are supportive, but limited in what they can do.

I feel like a horrible parent forcing her to go in every day! But I can't see an alternative...

Yes - I'm being cold hearted to force her in when she clearly can't cope
No - it is right to persevere and try to find ways to help her cope

And any strategies or ideas very welcome!

What are the issues she is having?

We have been there, it's so hard and so upsetting. I would contact the school and explain, my ds used to do this and they could then have someone there waiting to ease him gently into the day. They can also put strategies in place to sort out the underlying concerns. You do need her to go, trouble is once you let them stay off they know they can play you. You have my sympathies, phone the school and ask to speak with pastoral support

There is a great fb group called 'not fine in school' you could join for advice

Huh? You are asking whether you’re being cold hearted to make her go to school, which is a legal requirement? Would you also feel cold hearted for not letting her get a tattoo at her age or for letting her stay up until 2am every single night? I find it bizarre on here sometimes. I sympathise with the difficulty you’re facing but good god, get a grip and a backbone: of course you are not being unreasonable - or cold hearted - to tell her she has to go to school.

I’m not going to vote because I don’t think it’s as ‘simple’ as either option.

Can she verbalise what the issues are?

DS had major issues with school refusal in year 3. We discovered it was in a lot of ways to do with noise and crowds, also a response to his additional needs meaning he was spending a lot of time out of class.

Some things that have helped us (we have a very supportive school thankfully)

• relaxed mornings, we removed the must be on time pressure (nightmare for me as Mrs Punctuality!) but it meant we didn’t have that pressure. We got to school when we did.

• drop off and pick up via the school office and pick up before the end of the day so he can avoid the crowds.

• a safe place in school for when he got overwhelmed. He starts every day in there now and goes to class when he is ready. He knows he can go straight there (with his 1-1) when needed.

• stopped using the hall for dinner

• reduced the amount of interventions to the bare minimum so he spent more time in class when he could

Basically we removed as many of the pressures and trigger points as we could.

He is in year 6 now and we still have the same in place but are rarely late now and he is much happier at school

Is she on the autistic spectrum?

Does she have an EHCP?

What are the incidents you mention?

Why can't the school provide more support? Do these incidents happen when she has a 121, if so maybe she needs a 121 full time?

General OCD-type symptoms, having to do rituals a certain number of times, very frequent toileting. Finds it difficult to concentrate, struggles with stresses and gets very overwhelmed.

@DickBastardly

Huh? You are asking whether you’re being cold hearted to make her go to school, which is a legal requirement? Would you also feel cold hearted for not letting her get a tattoo at her age or for letting her stay up until 2am every single night? I find it bizarre on here sometimes. I sympathise with the difficulty you’re facing but good god, get a grip and a backbone: of course you are not being unreasonable - or cold hearted - to tell her she has to go to school.

School is not a legal requirement. Home schooling is legal in this country, and a valid option for many people.

Also time off school for mental health reasons, which school induced anxiety is, is also legal. However there does need to be a long term plan so that she can attend happily again.

Has she been seen by CAMHS OP? Has she been assessed by a developmental paediatrician?

Thanks for the replies - she does seem better with the 1-to-1, as I think it helps her to stay calm and focus. Sometimes she is able to verbalize her feelings very clearly, but when she is overwhelmed it becomes difficult for her. The "incidents" I refer to are mainly when she becomes very stressed and anxious by what is expected of her and has to have "time out" - she's not beating up the other children or anything!

She does have EHCP but it's obviously not working as well as it could, so needs review... but obviously there is a wait for anything at the moment and I know the school and teachers are under a lot of pressures.

You have my sympathy. I think the answer is more complicated than just send her in or keep her at home. She needs to be in school of course, but may not be able to without the correct support in place.

Talk to the school, agree a plan with school and your DD to try to ease some of her anxieties. Can she have 1:1 time first thing when she arrives? Can she have somewhere quiet to go if it all gets too much? Are there lessons that cause her particular anxiety where she needs extra support?

Oh - and ignore the idiots who tell you to grow a backbone!

The frequent toiletting can be a way for her to get time out of class to gather herself, it’s one of the first signs that all isn’t well for my DD and something needs to change.

I think it’s a bit of both, I’ve given my daughter the day off but then use that day to put things in place for her going back again. Far from “playing me” she knows I’ve got her back and will work with the school to make it ok for her again.

Can she attend school just when she has the 1-1 for now and then contact the LA for an emergency review to increase the support.

It sounds like the support need to break the work down into smaller more manageable chunks to stop her getting overwhelmed. They also need to work with her to get it so the time outs happen before she reaches the point of overwhelmed - sensory breaks or just having a job to do in the classroom can help massively

I agree, you need to request an emergency annual review.

Is a change if school a possibility. I'd consider that if she is so unhappy.

I forced my son in for 3 months ,3 years ago ,he’s not set foot in a school since ,not for want of me trying
We ended up under camhs as he started saying he wished he was dead
Camhs told us we should never of forced him in.

Not sure what we should of done instead ,as camhs didn’t tell us that .
Currently home schooling and getting lots of grief from lea

Change of school would certainly be possible (we are in London, so there are plenty of other schools within easy distance and it wouldn't be an issue for her to go somewhere else without moving the other two) but I'm not sure it would resolve things. I think it is school in general rather than the specific school.

Thank you very much for all the comments and ideas... thinking best way forward may be to request the emergency review and ask what supportive measures they can put in until then. If I could keep her out except for the one-to-one time it might help, but practically it would be very very difficult.

Just because it is a "legal requirement" as someone posted above, does not mean it is right for this child.

When I worked in CAMHS we did not recognise the words "school refusal" - we looked at why this child found it hard to go to school, and looked first at the school, rather than the child. School is a huge struggle for some children, especially those with special needs (as this child has) and it is crazy to assume that one size fits all and it is fine for all children. The school has to adapt to this child's needs - I do recognise that this may be hard for them to do, especially at the moment, but the responsibility does lie with them. You cannot drag a child kicking and screaming to school.

The legal requirement to be in school exists, but the law is a blunt instrument and not always appropriate when dealing with the emotional well-being of individual children.

I really do feel for you OP in this difficult dilemma.

I there a Steiner or Montessori school near you?

If she has anxiety, the school shouldn’t be giving time out, it sounds like this is what is getting to her. Speak to the school senco and see what sort of help they are actually giving her to manage negative behaviour.

I've had the same, my son who has autism ended up having 2 years home from school.
From year 5 until year 7, he is in a sen school now and we haven't looked back he is doing brill all because mainstream school wasnt for him.
I just think personally if the underlying course of why she is unhappy at school is not addressed it will continue to get worse.
And while it maybe easier to force her into school now, a 14 year old will not be.

Not sure about Steiner and Montessori (and don't know much about them), but I will look it up!

I think the overall problem is that she gets so overwhelmed by her OCD urges that it is hard for her to concentrate or do what is expected - and then she gets very stressed. She also has some very pronounced tics which she's self-conscious about and I know she's upset by feeling that the other children think she's "weird".

Is she getting support with the OCD? It’s not something I know a lot about but if she can be taught some coping strategies and supported to use them when needed that may help?

She is waiting to see CAMHS!

I had a similar child in my class. What helped was using the corridor & library with their one to one support for regular breaks from a very noisy classroom (not the children's fault, tiled floors were ridiculous idea with metal leg chairs). I'd also check their expectations so that they're not overfacing her , we had to restructure some activities to take into account output might be less but quality not quantity . I'd also speak to her one to one support for their input & ideas. They may be great or they may need ideas & supervision.y first support lady was a bit overwhelmed. The 2nd woman was a natural & I could leave her to it after mimimal daily lesson outline. Finaly is she ok socially at playtime etc or dies whoever is on duty need to keep an eye out for reassurance ,as that can impact confidence massively if they're struggling in that respect.