DD8 school refusing - AIBU to make her go?

[Jourdain11]

I'm just posting here to see if anyone has any strategies for this. It is not something I've had to deal with before for any of my kids, and I'm not sure if we're taking the right approach.

DD is finding school very difficult this year, for a variety of reasons. She has one-to-one support for part of the day, three days a week, but she is struggling with concentration and anxiety and gets overwhelmed very easily. At half term she was in a remarkably better place, to the point that she seemed like a different child. But since they've been back, it has been incident after incident and today she point-blank refused to go. She had an absolute meltdown and there was just no way to get her out of the door. I was hoping to manage to get her to go in for the afternoon, but she wasn't coping with the idea.

The trouble is, we are not in a position to homeschool currently and with such limited childcare options, it is difficult to keep her off. I feel like I need to make it easier and less overwhelming for her, but I just don't know what strategies to use. The school are supportive, but limited in what they can do.

I feel like a horrible parent forcing her to go in every day! But I can't see an alternative...

Yes - I'm being cold hearted to force her in when she clearly can't cope
No - it is right to persevere and try to find ways to help her cope

And any strategies or ideas very welcome!

I think asking for an emergency review of the EHCP, is a good plan, ecause what’s in it isn’t working at the moment. Has anyone suggested a part time timetable as a temporary measure? Are there any times of the day that she copes with more easily.

She could perhaps start slowly and just go in for a lesson or two, but with a flexible plan to increase the time until she’s managing again. I don’t think changing schools will help because it’s just moving the problem from one setting to another, without addressing the cause. Then what happens if a new placement isn’t helpful? It could bring the additional stress of a strange place with new people.

*Sorry for typos , fat fingers & very dodgy phone.

This was my DD a few years ago in primary – she had huge anxiety about going in and would go to bed in tears and wake up every morning in tears at the prospect. But even though it was torturous for us both, I never let her take a single day off, because more often than not she would end up being okay once she got inside the classroom bar the odd meltdown. I really worried that if we let her stay at home she'd never go again. What ultimately helped us was this book that someone else on MN recommended, because it's like a workbook my DD could fill in herself. It's based on CBT and provided some great tools for self-help that she still uses now (in secondary, minimal anxiety now). I'm not exaggerating when I say it was a life changer.

Out of interest, why are you not in a position to home educate? I only ask because some people think children need to be formally 'educated' 6 hours a day, but it's actually quite possible around work, as long as you also have childcare covered (eg. if you work from home, or a grandparent/childminder could care for her part of the time). At primary age, an hour or two of school work a day (or at the weekend if that works better) is plenty.

We took ds out of school at 8 because of similar issues and he went back to school for secondary. He wasn't behind at all (in fact he passed the 11 plus), despite only spending short amounts of time on formal work. He was also much happier at home for those years. Some days he just had a list of work to get through - via workbooks, interactive educational programmes like Conquer Maths and Minecraft Homeschool etc. Other days were more interactive. He did lots of trips and activities too.

I’ve been through this with my son. He missed 9 months of school at one point. He eventually returned for about an hour a day gradually building up time (and I spent 3 months staying at school with him, he also has autism though). After about another 18 months of school he started refusing again. I felt I had no option but to home educate, he was at an SN school and they got to the point they said they didn’t know what else to do. I still feel really awful about the times I tried to force him to go in (which got harder as he got older). Once he was home educated it was like a weight had been lifted for him. Unfortunately I don’t think school is the right fit for everyone. The plan was to try again for high school but I decided against it. School refusal is so difficult.

Yes we’ve been here and are still here. My son is under Hospital Ed while we seek a specialist provision.
Definitely join the NFIS fb group. Definitely request an emergency EHCP review and look at different settings. And don’t say ‘school refusal’. It’s not that she won’t - it’s that she can’t.

And hugs to you because this is the most stressful thing I’ve ever experienced and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.

Thank you for all the recommendations - I really, really appreciate it!

We managed to have a calmer discussion about school this evening and I was asking what would make it easier for her. I think that some of the difficulties are due to the Covid measures: slightly different school day structure, the timed handwashing (which she REALLY can't cope with), having lunch in the classroom. I think the class are quite lively and the teacher is not the most inclined to shut them up when things are getting a little chaotic or noisy, and she finds that very hard to cope with. The biggest problem is that she has these OCD urges and she feels like she can't not do the thing, otherwise something terrible will happen, and then she (understandably) gets very stressed out if prevented. Her meltdowns are very distressing for her and probably the others too - she literally howls, tries to hurt herself banging her head on the floor or the wall, hits herself... And then afterwards, she knows that she drew attention to herself and she feels mortified.

Despite all this, I know there really are a lot of things she likes about school - so I'm loath to opt out completely! It is useful to know about the homeschool options though, so thank you for that. I had been imagining homeschool as "formal educational activity" throughout normal school hours and it's useful to know that's not the only acceptable model. But of course, childcare is an issue atm...

What are the urges? Are they something that school could accomdate her doing when she needs too? Would be less distesssing all around surely?

Echo the recommendation to join the Facebook group Not Fine In School.

Make school aware and make it their problem too, in the nicest possible way. And get applying for an EHCP, it's a slow process. Good luck, I've been there and it's the most stressful thing I've ever been through.

@Sirzy

What are the urges? Are they something that school could accomdate her doing when she needs too? Would be less distesssing all around surely?

They vary day to day. I think sometimes the school could accommodate, but equally there are things I can see would be difficult in class.

What measures are in place? Does she have a quiet place she can go when feeling overwhelmed? Would some form of earplugs help with the noise? Is there a system she can use like a coloured card she can give to the teacher if she needs to leave the classroom? It sounds like she needs her 1:1 full time too. I'd ask for measures to be put in place and see if that helps. But you may have to look for schools with smaller classes, perhaps private school which can be funded through echp if no other school is suitable

Poor little scrap - I am so sorry that she has these difficulties.

There is a really good book called What to do when your brain gets stuck... about OCD. Whilst you wait for CAMHS.

She does have a quiet place, but the problem is that she sometimes is totally overwhelmed before they allow her to go there. She also has cards to show the teacher when she's not with her one-to-one, and she sometimes has to use them with her one-to-one too, because she gets very strong verbal tics which can make it hard for her to communicate. But it doesn't seem to be working and I wonder if she is sometimes reticent about using them. I got to discuss some points with her class teacher in parents' evening last week, but it was done over Teams and it's hard to go into everything as in depth as you could if it were in-person...

@Saggyoldsofa

There is a really good book called What to do when your brain gets stuck... about OCD. Whilst you wait for CAMHS.

Thank you, I will take a look!!

@DickBastardly

Huh? You are asking whether you’re being cold hearted to make her go to school, which is a legal requirement? Would you also feel cold hearted for not letting her get a tattoo at her age or for letting her stay up until 2am every single night? I find it bizarre on here sometimes. I sympathise with the difficulty you’re facing but good god, get a grip and a backbone: of course you are not being unreasonable - or cold hearted - to tell her she has to go to school.

Going to school is not a legal requirement. Having a full time education is. Would you take this attitude to someone who could not go due to a serious physical illness? Why is a mental health problem any different?

Coronavirus isn't a reason to delay a review meeting. If anything it's easier to arrange these days as they mostly take place over Zoom.

@MoonJelly

Coronavirus isn't a reason to delay a review meeting. If anything it's easier to arrange these days as they mostly take place over Zoom.

Good point, thanks for pointing that out!

Urgh, I am dreading the morning...

Wish me luck...!

Good luck. Remember the mental health of the whole family is the most important part in all of this so do what you need to keep everyone well

Thanks! Managed to coax her in today, but it was a bit of a battle. The teacher said she could have some quiet time at the start of the day, so I hope that might have helped. Hopefully it won't have been a catastrophically awful day at least! God, I'm so stressed so goodness only knows how poor DD is feeling...

I've had 2 school refusers and both are now educated at home, paid for by the local authority.

It is not as simple as some are suggesting.

My son had a complete breakdown due to undiagnosed ASD, school can be a terrifying place for children with sensory difficulties. It can be very difficult for children with ASD who mask because they are not sure what is expected of them socially and at around the age 8-10 (in both of my children) the differences became much more apparent than when they were younger.

Forcing a child in to school whose needs are unmet.can backfire massively because they then can start to distrust adults who are supposed to look out for them. My son has ongoing school based trauma and it has taken a long time for his mental health to recover.

My daughter started showing signs in years 3 and 4, she had OCD treats and stopped eating and sleeping. Because I'd seen what happened to my eldest I kept her at home on the basis that school was an unsuitable environment and applied for EHCP and requested alternative provision under s. 19 Education Act. Whilst all of this was being resolved she was diagnosed with ASD and profound dyslexia, she was bright and had masked so school kept saying there was nothing wrong when there was.

I am fortunate that I can facilitated learning at home and understand that for many families this is not easy.

The Local Authority has conceded there is no appropriate school for either of my children locally and I am not prepared to send them to residential school.

As others have said look at the Not Fine at school facebook page.

Good luck OP it is a hard road to travel. People who have not experienced this think it is as simple as making your child attend but it is not.

Should say OCD traits not OCD treats!

Jourdain11 she sounds exactly like me at school. One thing I found really helped was that I used to get so anxious before a class as I was worried that I would be asked a question by the teacher and not know the answer so my mum spoke to the school about it. All of my teachers were asked not to pick on me to answer questions and gradually it helped to ease my anxieties so much so that I would put my hand up to volunteer to answer a question.

Regarding the frequent toileting, I still get that now - it's a stress response. My mum told the school as well and I was allowed to sit by the door and pop out of I needed to without having the ask the teacher which made such a difference.

Thanks for the idea about sitting by the door for toilet trips - I will email the teacher. I know she can't help it, but at her worst she can "need to go" 10x in an hour and I can imagine that it could drive a teacher slightly crazy. Apparently today was not too bad, but she didn't eat lunch because they serve it in these pots and it all gets mixed up - and she can't bear the different foods touching each other. It's heartbreaking how hard she is having to try to get through a day and how much it takes it out of her - she struggles concentrate because of intrusive thoughts and obviously feels so overwhelmed. I feel that we need a Plan B because it really can't continue like this