Aibu to feel a bit discriminated against

[Jackleila14]

Am I being unreasonable to feel my ds is being slightly discriminated against or am I just being overly sensitive. My ds has been on a waiting list for a preschool 2 minutes from us for a few months, when I first handed in the application form I was told I would hear back after Xmas . I called them today on the advice of my speech therapist that getting him into a pre school setting soon would help him as he has some delays only to be told that they already have three children with delays and I should try somewhere else. We were only asking for 6 hours per week and I said we could do any time and we are very flexible, I’d heard the pre school was really good and it is so close I was really hoping to get him in there but now it seems like because of his delays that won’t be happening . When I got off the phone I did cry a bit it felt a little unfair .

I should add I was willing to still wait until after Xmas but just checking the likelihood of us actually getting a place then.

You're not being discriminated against.

It doesn't make good business sense for the nursery to take your child only 6 hours a week - if they have a place it makes much more financial sense for them to take a child who will be there several days rather than just a few hours.

If you go for 2-3 full days you're likely to have more luck, and it'll make more of an impact on your kid too.

Then there would be absolutely no point in me working because all of my income would go towards childcare costs. My dd also only went for a few hours to begin with and gradually we upped it but thanks for you input.

The issue is that these days most nurseries are operating with a great deal of uncertainty, so they'll want to accept the children that provide the most financial security.

It could also be to do with staff ratios, if his delay means that your son will require closer attention than others his age they simply may not have the money to pay someone to be there with him.

The reason why it felt discriminatory is because they already knew I was only after 6 hours and before they said they would probably have space after xmas then when I called I mentioned his delays and that’s when they said they couldn’t take him but first they said what days do you want because maybe those children wouldn’t be in on those days and when I said we were very flexible and could do any day she still told me it would be better to try somewhere else.

Sounds like they are working in the best interests of the children - they could have just taken your money, but have instead said they cannot offer a good level of support because of existing nursery children's needs. Although I agree with a pp - 6 hours per week is not really worth their time if they would then have to turn down someone looking for more hours. I can't see how you think you are being discriminated against though.

Either way it is what it is, it’s just a shame that for something completely out of his control he can’t go to the pre school that is the closes and most convenient for us and that I had heard so many good things about.

They have been honest that they can’t give him what he needs. Keep looking.

@Jackleila14

Either way it is what it is, it’s just a shame that for something completely out of his control he can’t go to the pre school that is the closes and most convenient for us and that I had heard so many good things about.

...that's pretty standard with nurseries though isn't it? You rarely get a place at the really good quality ones if you leave it late - i reserved our spot for DD when i was about 10wks pregnant and they still didn't have room for her til her 2nd birthday!

It was mainly the reason we were told we couldn’t have a spot. To be honest I have realised I’m being overly sensitive about it. I still have no idea what is actually going on with ds and am trying to get help for him at the moment and it’s hard I guess it just hit a sore spot to be told they didn’t have space for him for that reason but I can now see why they may not have the staff to support him ect. Thank you for your replies x

Will also have a chat with dh about the amount of time we can afford to send him, as my dd started on just a few hours I thought I’d do the same for him but if you think I’d be more likely to get him a spot by upping them then I’ll try that too. X

I would write them a friendly letter saying you hope he can stay on the waiting list due to the professionals recommendations and the good things you have heard about them.

Good idea, I’ll tell them over the phone they did actually say to get hold of them after he’s had a paediatric referral which is soon and update them on what the paediatrician thought . I think it’s to do with the level of help he might need in ore school. He’s very calm and can feed himself and is really bright in a lot of ways (knows shapes colours numbers and a few letters ect) but his communication and understanding is delayed and I don’t know yet how he will react in a pre school setting as a lot of the baby groups we used to attend have now been closed for so long. X

Looks like every thing happens for a reason. After the incident on the phone this morning I spoke to both my sil and my older half sister as they both work in pre schools that I initially thought were too far away to get to , they actually agreed that the way I was spoken to was unprofessional and my half sister who’s preschool has a lot of children with special needs has told me they have very flexible hours so I can still drop dd to school and get ds to pre school in time and even better he can start for just one day to begin with as well :)

I called them today on the advice of my speech therapist that getting him into a pre school setting soon would help him as he has some delays only to be told that they already have three children with delays and I should try somewhere else
What this read like was that you were trying to get a place earlier due to his speech delay. They don't have space and his speech delay won't change this.

She was telling you that if he can't wait because of his special need, you should look elsewhere where they might take him earlier.

I think you totally misinterpreted her.

YANBU.

Imagine if a school said the same about kids with autism or other learning needs.

I don't see how they couldn't accommodate your child especially as it's only 6 hours a week.

No that wasn’t it at all I was checking it was still ok for him to go after Xmas like I had initially been told but when she found out he had delays I was told no. It’s fine now any way as it looks like I have a place far more suited to him. I wasn’t using his needs to get a place early . I don’t work in the day so there’s no rush for him to go it was more to help him.

@liveitwell

YANBU.

Imagine if a school said the same about kids with autism or other learning needs.

I don't see how they couldn't accommodate your child especially as it's only 6 hours a week.

You don’t see how they couldn’t accommodate him? It’s because they’ve got no spaces in the nursery-they can’t just magic one up. They can’t take another child out in favour of a child that doesn’t have place? What are they supposed to do? There is no space. Simple.

As pp have pointed out, great nurseries are hard to get in and often have waiting lists. Waiting a few micros is the that long tbh. He probably will be offered a place when the other kids move up but currently that’s but an option.

If OP has been advised to get him in a nursery ASAP, then she needs to look further afield sadly.

With all due respect, speech delay is something that can improve and hopefully her LO will get the support he needs and it will bring him in on in leaps and bounds.

Aspergers/autism/ASD/Dyslexia/Dyspraxia etc don’t ever get better. Ever. so completely different and not comparable.

Hope you can make sense of my pp 😂

From the original op is says you were calling because you were told to get him ASAP, they informed you that they didn't have a place and already had x kids with a delay so suggested looking elsewhere. January could have only been an estimate because it's not a school intake time. In addition many nurseries are looking to minimise the number of kids (less kids for more hours each) due to covid currently.

No I called to check up on my application which I had already put in

And they are suspecting he has autism any way but that isn’t the point. I felt like the way the woman spoke to me wasn’t nice and wasn’t necessary at one point she even asked me if my gut feeling was that it was something more than a speech and understanding delay and I nearly cried when I said yes . Like I’ve said I’ve spoken to two family members since that work in pre schools and both felt they would have addressed the situation in a much nicer way. No where did I say I expect a place and demand one right now I have spoken to the pre school months ago about it and they thought he would be able to start after Xmas that obviously changed when they realised he had additional needs and couldn’t accommodate him now. It just hurt that that’s the reason why although I do now understand but all the people saying it’s because I only want 6 hours or didn’t put the form in early enough that is not why they can’t take him on.

You are really reading this the wrong way, I have written right at the begining I had already applied and was told a place would more than likely be available after Xmas and I called after speaking to a speech therapist that that would still be ok. If they had said they didn’t have space I would have just tried somewhere else no problem it was the way I was spoken to that upset me.

I completely agree with you op. They didn't say they didn't have space or that it was too few hours or he couldn't start any sooner. They said they already have children with delays so you should look somewhere else - not good. They are basically saying they can't/won't look after him because of his SEN. That statement is discriminatory. Whether they actually ARE discriminating is a different matter, perhaps the person on the phone was mistaken or explaining very badly. Anyway, I'm glad you got it sorted. You probably had a lucky escape.

I really do feel like maybe I was just a bit sensitive but people are just making up sensations they think happened and not reading what I’m actually saying. They even said if I told them what days I wanted and they were different to the days the other children with extra needs were in then maybe he could have a place still but as soon as I said we are flexible they back tracked . I felt as though they were hoping I would say a day and they’d say that isn’t possible. Any way the whole tone of the phone call was really upsetting but I really do believe these things happen for a reason and it looks like a place is available where my sister works and they have a lot of experience with sen children. X