Aibu to feel a bit discriminated against

[Jackleila14]

Am I being unreasonable to feel my ds is being slightly discriminated against or am I just being overly sensitive. My ds has been on a waiting list for a preschool 2 minutes from us for a few months, when I first handed in the application form I was told I would hear back after Xmas . I called them today on the advice of my speech therapist that getting him into a pre school setting soon would help him as he has some delays only to be told that they already have three children with delays and I should try somewhere else. We were only asking for 6 hours per week and I said we could do any time and we are very flexible, I’d heard the pre school was really good and it is so close I was really hoping to get him in there but now it seems like because of his delays that won’t be happening . When I got off the phone I did cry a bit it felt a little unfair .

*Scenarios not sensations sorry

No that wasn’t it at all I was checking it was still ok for him to go after Xmas like I had initially been told
But you were told you'd hear back after Xmas so why did you call again now? And why mention his speech delay if you just wanted to know if he was still likely to have a place after Xmas?

After I had spoken to the speech therapist and she mentioned about pre school benefitting him I decided to call and check to see if it would still be likely he could start after Xmas as I hadn’t heard any thing back yet . While I was speaking to the lady on the phone and she was pulling out his application I just said I’m just checking to see the likelihood he will still be able to get in after Xmas as his speech therapist had said he would benefit from a setting with other children and basically if it didn’t look likely he would get in after Xmas like they had previously said because they were to full I would have looked somewhere else . It wasn’t that they couldn’t accommodate him it was the way they explained why they couldn’t and since speaking to two other people I know that work in pre schools they couldn’t believe the way they said it.

In you first post, you said that you would hear back after Xmas, so why would you have expected to have heard back now.

You said that toys look elsewhere if they couldn't accommodate him after Xmas, well that's exactly what they told you to do because they can't.

Sorry OP but even if it wasn't your intention, I expect the way you came across was very much hoping he would be able to start earlier because of his speech delay and as she couldn't accommodate this, she told you to look elsewhere.

If they already have children with speech delay, why would they be discriminating against your son?

I was not expecting him to start earlier for the last time ! I don’t even want him to start early I have no idea where you have got this idea from you’re just plucking it out of thin air

I wanted to know if it was still ok for him to start after Xmas I’ve literally said that the entire way through this thread. I do not want or need him to start before , I don’t even mind if it’s later than that . I was checking if there was basically still likely to be a space for him in the bearish future. We are mums so we sometimes just check up on things and I wanted to be able to have some information for the paediatrician as I suspected he would ask if I was going to put him into a childcare setting .

What a load of tosh from your speech therapist. As if being surrounded by 2 stressed nursery teachers and a bunch of other toddlers will make a difference. What are they doing there? Reading Keates?! This whole push to socialise kids really annoys me, your child will catch up, mine did. Xx

They suspect he has autism but can’t diagnose until he has a face to face appointment and that hasn’t been possible b cause of covid. People on here can be really hash I do realise as I have said many times now that I am in fact being unreasonable but I felt the person on the phone quite frankly wasn’t very nice about the way she approached all of it. That is just my feelings and I was upset about it at the time. Like I have said I’ve found a more suitable place for him now any way.

I was told I would hear back after Xmas

@Jackleila14

I wanted to know if it was still ok for him to start after Xmas I’ve literally said that the entire way through this thread

But OP your first post says that you handed in the application form and we’re told you’d hear after Xmas. Now I take that to mean you’ll hear back as to what/whether they can offer you a place. Things change such as staffing, kids leaving, moving rooms etc. I wouldn’t have taken that as DC was staring after Christmas for sure. We can only go on what you’ve written.

Your AIBU was we’re they discriminating against DC. From my interpretation of what you wrote, I didn’t think they were discriminating against him at all. As a PP pointed out, they have other children with speech delays so it can’t be that.

We can only give opinion on what you write. I am with others in that your post came across Lund you though he’d get a place on the back of what the therapist advised but it seemed their hands were tired.

It’s not nice that you felt rubbish after speaking to them. Only you know how they said it and the tone they used etc... I hope you feel better now you’ve got your LO a place elsewhere

You are absolutely 100% wrong that I was hoping I would get some sort of special treatment and they would either give him a place because he is delayed or would give him one early this is just completely and utterly untrue . The whole threat was because I felt the phone call was discriminatory and you can only go off of what if written true but I’d be here all day writing out the entire phone call which two of my family members that do work in pre schools did feels was discriminatory and when sil explained what had happened to her boss she felt I should even complain to ofsted so that’s enough for me .

I'm really glad you now have something sorted.

I think it does sound as though they were being unreasonable, and I think several posters are being a bit naive if they think this sort of thing doesn't happen

When I looked for a preschool for ds, who has complex needs, it was pretty depressing as I quickly realised that, most settings really didn't want my son. The one that was welcoming and inclusive, were willing to work with me, and professionals to provide the support ds needed. I ended up working for them, and they have had several children with very complex needs at the same time.

If they already have children with speech delay, why would they be discriminating against your son
Possibly because they feel they could not cope with another child with difficulties.

And why mention his speech delay if you just wanted to know if he was still likely to have a place after Xmas?
Because it is incredibly important that a setting knows whether a child needs more support/external input - the more a setting can work with a family, the better the outcome for the child.

With all due respect, speech delay is something that can improve and hopefully her LO will get the support he needs and it will bring him in on in leaps and bounds.
At this age, it is impossible to know, whether it is a speech delay, or speech disorder, whether there are underlying causes for either, and what other developmental issues may be involved. There are many speech issues which childten do not simply 'grow out of'...and there ate many other causes for speech issues than ASDs

What a load of tosh from your speech therapist. As if being surrounded by 2 stressed nursery teachers and a bunch of other toddlers will make a difference. What are they doing there? Reading Keates?! This whole push to socialise kids really annoys me, your child will catch up, mine did. Xx
We'll that's great, and I'm glad that your child caught up. Many don't, and many need support in order to catch up. A good EY setting, will help support a child and a family, involving professionals, working on therapies set by therapists, working with the family, helping get future support in place, providing opportunities alongside those the child has hat home to grow and develop.

Good luck op (And head over the sn boards if ever you feel the need)

Thank you so much for your reply and I’m sorry you also had to face this treatment. And that’s exactly what I meant on the phone, I was asked if my gut feeling said his delays were something more serious and I said I had considered and concerns had been raised about possible autism, quite honestly the question caught me off guard and I nearly actually cried right then and there. Like the pp said a speech delay is one thing but autism would obviously mean he would need more one to one. They even told me to call back and tell them how the appointment with the paediatrician went because if he didn’t need as much help then they might be able to find space for him. They added aswell that if I wanted him to come in on day the other children with extra needs weren’t in then maybe they could take him but when I explained we were available at all times they back tracked I really felt like they were hoping I’d say “Tuesday “ then they could say oh that’s no good for us . It was just an all round awful conversation and after I felt worried that this is what he is going to face his whole life, missed opportunities because he’s different. People can say what they want on here but only I know how the call went maybe I didn’t write it down perfectly but I was a bit upset at the time and like I said after speaking to my sil who works at a pre school she spoke to her boss and she really felt I needed to put in a complaint.
They obviously do not have the training or staff to help people like my ds so I feel I’ve dodged a bullet to be honest but it all could have been approached in a much nicer way x

@HazeyJaneII

I'm really glad you now have something sorted.

I think it does sound as though they were being unreasonable, and I think several posters are being a bit naive if they think this sort of thing doesn't happen

When I looked for a preschool for ds, who has complex needs, it was pretty depressing as I quickly realised that, most settings really didn't want my son. The one that was welcoming and inclusive, were willing to work with me, and professionals to provide the support ds needed. I ended up working for them, and they have had several children with very complex needs at the same time.

If they already have children with speech delay, why would they be discriminating against your son
Possibly because they feel they could not cope with another child with difficulties.

And why mention his speech delay if you just wanted to know if he was still likely to have a place after Xmas?
Because it is incredibly important that a setting knows whether a child needs more support/external input - the more a setting can work with a family, the better the outcome for the child.

With all due respect, speech delay is something that can improve and hopefully her LO will get the support he needs and it will bring him in on in leaps and bounds.
At this age, it is impossible to know, whether it is a speech delay, or speech disorder, whether there are underlying causes for either, and what other developmental issues may be involved. There are many speech issues which childten do not simply 'grow out of'...and there ate many other causes for speech issues than ASDs

What a load of tosh from your speech therapist. As if being surrounded by 2 stressed nursery teachers and a bunch of other toddlers will make a difference. What are they doing there? Reading Keates?! This whole push to socialise kids really annoys me, your child will catch up, mine did. Xx
We'll that's great, and I'm glad that your child caught up. Many don't, and many need support in order to catch up. A good EY setting, will help support a child and a family, involving professionals, working on therapies set by therapists, working with the family, helping get future support in place, providing opportunities alongside those the child has hat home to grow and develop.

Good luck op (And head over the sn boards if ever you feel the need)

With all due respect, speech delay is something that can improve and hopefully her LO will get the support he needs and it will bring him in on in leaps and bounds.

At this age, it is impossible to know, whether it is a speech delay, or speech disorder, whether there are underlying causes for either, and what other developmental issues may be involved. There are many speech issues which childten do not simply 'grow out of'...and there ate many other causes for speech issues than ASDs

But DC doesn’t have a diagnosis at this point. It may well turn in to something more but equally it may just be a delay. At this time there is no diagnosis, that’s why it’s not comparable.

If they already have children with speech delay, why would they be discriminating against your son

Possibly because they feel they could not cope with another child with difficulties

Perhaps but they clearly do have children that have difficulties so they are inclusive.

Yeah its a common story. Its best not to mention any additional needs till you have the place.
Im sorry, it sucks

OP maybe they were being like that because they couldn’t provide care for your son. Maybe they were in fact discriminating against him because they have other children with additional needs.

As I said, it didn’t come across like that in your OP, but you’re clearly upset by the experience and only you know the tone they used etc....as I said before.

I also think if they’ve made you feel like this then you have dodged a bullet in the long term. Your guy is telling you something that is hard to convey on here.

I hope your LO enjoys his new nursery.

I haven't voted either way.
It does sound as if potentially the member of staff you spoke to could have been a bit more sensitive, but equally, you don't know what else was going on when you called - either within Nursery that day, or on the phone call she had just come off or the meeting she had just come out of. None of us are perfect, and, as she doesn't already have a relationship with you, then she was just replying to a business request really.
However, the SaLT has suggested that pre school might benefit him, so that he gets to turn take, wait for other dc to finish, listen as part of a group, etc as well as hear lots of different language around him and to experience different activities. If the room he would go in to already has 3 other dc with potentially significant needs, then that isn't the experience he will be getting. He will get little attention as the staff will be managing other dc with significant needs. So actually, he might not get the benefits from that pre-school that he would get if he were 1:4 or 1:8 (not sure of his age) in another pre-school without so many children with additional needs already.

Obviously, without knowing the other dcs' needs, no-one on this thread can tell if they are just an unwelcoming pre-school (which is possible) or if they have a very sensible policy of only accepting the number of dc with additional needs that they feel is safe, and they feel they can give the right amount of attention to (which is equally possible, and, indeed, probably far more likely).