AIBU to not tell DH when he upsets me?

[SparkleGoose]

DH suffers from depression, which is generally pretty well managed, he has had therapy, but reached the point where he and the therapist mutually decided he was no longer getting that much out of it. He's still on anti-depressants. It was pretty bad while we were dating so I didn't enter into marriage entirely unaware of potential challenges.

We have been married a few years now, and by and large it had all ran smoothly. Ups and downs, but nothing major. I am fortunate to be fairly robust in terms of mental health, plus I have a great support network of friends, and a job I love, so while DH's depression has at times caused difficulties, we've been able to work through them.

We've been spending a lot more time together as just the two of us during lockdown, and we are moving to be nearer DH's job which means a change of job for me and moving away from some of the friends I see the most.

Lockdown has highlighted to me a problem that we do have in that if DH upsets me, either in what I would consider a relatively minor way, or a "major" (though comparative to what some women experience still relatively minor) way, and I pull him up on it, he gets extremely upset about it. He will become very glum and uncommunicative, that no amount of reassurance, or apologising can undo, and often later cry about it and apologise for letting me down.

When he has upset me, I often feel like I can either just deal with it myself, and be upset for an hour or so, or discuss it with DH, and us both be upset for a day or two. Often I end up just dealing with it myself, but I do worry that this is going to end up leading to resentment. When he's well DH always encourages me to talk to him if he's upset me, but he always handles it really badly, and I often regret making my feelings known.

I'm hoping that of the multitude of women on here, some of you may have experiences something similar and have advice on how we can manage this. Is this just the burden of the emotionally robust?! Thanks!

Have you discussed this with him as a general concept rather than at the time you're upset? It's not really fair of him to be telling you to tell him but then responding to it in such a way that means it's worse for you tell him, whether he means to or not, his behaviour is ultimately resulting in 'training' you to put up and shut up.

It's like my 5 year old, every time I tell her off for something even if I'm not angry and am just trying to explain why something isnt acceptable, she gets 'really really angry and upset' and will storm off and be in a massive strop and have generally poor behaviour for a time. I am not sure if it is conscious manipulation or not, just as I am not sure if your husbands behaviour is, but if I gave into it, then I'd never be telling her off and her general behaviour would deteriorate.

Anyway sorry for digressing. I think ultimately you need to keep telling him when something upsets you otherwise yes you will resent him. Have a talk with him about how it's unfair that when he upsets you that you then have to comfort him because he is upset that he upsets you. Its normal to occasionally inadvertently upset people you live with. It's normal to be able to tell them, agree a way forward and move on without it becoming a massive drama. Ask him how he wants you to tell him to avoid a situation where he is upset by it. Maybe it is about the language you use (eg upset to you might be annoyed but to him its devastation). Maybe he needs to have it in a letter when you are out for the day so he can reflect on it and not jump to an emotional response. But there must be a better way than either ignoring it or him being devastated he has upset you.

I don’t think you should ignore him upsetting you. Why is he upsetting you? Is it deliberate? Why is so upset when you tell him? Can he not just stop upsetting you? I’m not very up on how depression affects people, so maybe I’m asking the impossible when I say he should stop upsetting you.

YABU.
Your feelings are important too.

Why is is ok for him to upset you but not the other way round?

Your feeling guilty for telling your husband the truth about how you feel.

I think you have to continue to tell him when he has upset or annoyed you, but not at the time. I think waiting until you are calm and telling him in a 'matter of fact' way may be a better way.

Under no circumstances should you stop telling him when he's upset you, because then you will be living with increasing resentment which will eventually ruin your marriage. Why should your feelings matter less because he is ill ? if he had a broken leg and hurt you, you'd tell him so.

Pick a time when you're both having a good day, and have a talk about this. Explain that you're feeling guilty, but that you need to be able to keep being honest with him through his illness so that your marriage survives.

Hi OP. Whose idea was it for you to move away? You said you have a job you love and a good support network, yet it sounds like you're going to be losing both when you move.

I'd like to preface what I'm going to say with a disclaimer; I myself have suffered with very poor mental health in the last, so I really do understand the challenges this can bring.

You said that whenever you mention anything he's done to upset you, it results in him being upset to various degrees. It sounds to me like his behaviour is intended to stop you from raising the issues with him. You're not able to have a grown-up conversation with him about his poor behaviour so you just accept it, essentially.

Poor mental health doesn't mean you can't also be controlling or not a good person. I'm not saying this is what your husband is, but for a moment, let's forget he's got mental health issues. You can't bring up his poor behaviour with him as it ends with drawn out whinging (frankly this is what it sounds like). You're moving away from your support network and a job you love. It's not unreasonable to think he sounds controlling and I'm worried you're not going to have the support you've had when you move away.

By all means, try speaking in general terms to him about his behaviour when he hasn't done something specifically to upset you. I can't imagine that will end any better than your previous attempts to discuss things with him.

If you can't have a conversation with him which leads him to address his behaviour towards him, then he needs to seek help for this. How come his therapist felt he wasn't getting much out of his treatment? Was this because he was in a better place, or was it about his engagement with the therapy?

You can't live the rest of your life accepting his bad behaviour towards you. It's his responsibility to find a way to not treat you badly and grow up enough to have a discussion about it when he does. It's not on you to find a way to fix it. To be honest, in your position, I'd be having a conversation along those lines with him.

Best of luck.

I pull him up on it, he gets extremely upset about it. He will become very glum and uncommunicative, that no amount of reassurance, or apologising can undo, and often later cry about it and apologise for letting me down.

When he's well DH always encourages me to talk to him if he's upset me, but he always handles it really badly, and I often regret making my feelings known.

Seems you can't win, correct? He is manipulating you, plain and simple. Training you to keep your mouth shut and walk on eggshells so you don't "upset" him. Fuck that. This marriage sounds like a slow drowning in a deep ocean.

I too think you need to keep telling him when he does things that upset you. However his reaction is unusually sensitive.
Is he normally a very thin skinned person? Depression can cause feelings of low self worth, so perhaps he could go back and ask for therapy to address how he reacts to hearing that he’s upset you.
I am assuming you are communicating your upset as carefully and nicely as possible because you’re evidently trying to avoid his glum and tearful reactions.
One other idea is that the NHS does offer free couples counselling for issues where one partners mental health affects the relationship. You could take that approach so it’s not a case of saying he’s broken, and he has to change. But more to, we have a relationship issue in that I can’t tell you when I’m upset without hurting you more than it should. Let US get help on how we can communicate and resolve being upset without either of us being hurt in the process.

This move does not sound like a good idea for you op
Why did you agree to it?

@Aquamarine1029

I pull him up on it, he gets extremely upset about it. He will become very glum and uncommunicative, that no amount of reassurance, or apologising can undo, and often later cry about it and apologise for letting me down.

When he's well DH always encourages me to talk to him if he's upset me, but he always handles it really badly, and I often regret making my feelings known.

Seems you can't win, correct? He is manipulating you, plain and simple. Training you to keep your mouth shut and walk on eggshells so you don't "upset" him. Fuck that. This marriage sounds like a slow drowning in a deep ocean.

Sadly agree with this. Doesn't seem a great situation for you, OP. Of course you should be able to tell him when he upsets you. Everything else is a red flag to me.

Thank you all for your responses. It's helpful to gain some outside perspectives on things.

In terms of how he's upsetting me I would say they're fairly standard things for couples to fall out over sometimes, washing up not done if I've been away for the week etc. Sometimes I'm probably at fault as well, telling him off for doing things differently to me rather than it's specifically wrong IYSWIM.

He did engage well with the therapy, he was initially meant to go for hour sessions, then because he was in such a bad place at the time, it was upped to two hours and they still struggled to get through everything. Through the therapy, various lifestyle tweaks, and his medication things improved to the point the point that it was more just an hours chat about random things, and was reduced to once a fortnight, then a couple of months late they decided to see how going without would work. There's been no major issues/regression so we haven't looked into him going back.

We were living about an hour from one another with jobs about 15 mins from our homes, so moved in together with about a 45 minute commute each. It seemed the best call at the time due to the stages we were at in work but it was always intended to be short term as neither of us really enjoy commuting. Where I lived/work is more families/retired people but it's where I grew up so I have some wonderful long term friends scattered about the area, who I sometimes stay with in the week if I have particularly long days. Where he works there are more young couples who I think could become my friends but I don't know yet, and lockdown makes it tricky! I'm able to stay with the company I work for and move into an equivalent job in they're other office. The move makes a lot of logistical sense, though does come with a few sacrifices from me.

I think you're right that his behaviour manipulative, in that in manipulates my behaviour, but I don't think it's actively intentional from him. He is sensitive in other areas as well. Some of his mental health issues stem from always wanting to be the perfect child and impress his parents when he was young so he has a lot of insecurities around being "told off". I do try to communicate clearly and sensitively, but I generally speak quite directly and I do sometimes find it hard to hold back as I see a spinning load of laundry, and the laundry pod still I lifted out for him to put in still on the side...!

Training you not to voice your thoughts and feelings when he hurts you? Moving away from a job you love and your support system?

More red flags than a communist barbeque

He will become very glum and uncommunicative, that no amount of reassurance, or apologising can undo

Have you asked yourself why you are apologising to him? He's the one who has upset you.

I would not move away from your support network for him. You are basically less important than him

What exactly do you get out of your marriage? It all seems like nothing but hard work with you doing all of the emotional supporting. You're mentally strong now, but what if you aren't someday? Who would be there for you? I seriously doubt it would be your husband.

My first thought is that for this to be an issue he must be upsetting you a lot!
Also I think for him to sit and cry if you talk about doing the dishes a certain way is a real extreme reaction. He seems to be training you to not talk about his behaviour at all. I guess in the end youll just put up and shut up and be really miserable.
The relationship sounds truly exhausting and I can't imagine having to live this way. Sounds like you had a much better life before you were with him.

I think you need to take very serious notice of all the above posters. They make a lot of sense.

What do your friends and family think to your situation? Do they think it's a good idea for you to move? How does your DH get on with them?

He gets really upset and cries and sulks if you ask him why he hasn't done the washing up?
He can't remember to put detergent in the washer?
What is he, 3?
Did you want to be married to a child?
How attractive is that, OP?
Don't move!
Depression does not make you a controlling, childlike or selfish person. Does it??

Why are you regularly "telling off" your partner for not doing things the way you would?

That's controlling and would grind down most people.

If it upsets you that other people don't do things precisely how you would that's your issue to deal with.

The OP should be able to say 'hey, you didn't put this tablet in the washing machine' without him going into a two day sulk!

He's controlling and abusing you. You are walking on egg shells to avoid upsetting him, he's not worried about you. Think very carefully about what you want.

Don't have kids with him. You might be able to suck it up when it's just the two of you but with kids there is so much work- if he's not doing his bits properly and you can't talk about it it will be intolerable

Oh god yes to poster above. It sounds pretty intolerable anyway but with kids would be an absolute nightmare

Sounds like you both upset each other quite a lot, something I don't consider to be normal. If you aren't going to bother communicating then you may as well leave as it is key in any relationship. It doesn't sound like a good relationship and certainly not one I would consider moving away from my friends for.

None of this is really regular events, lockdown has made it a slightly bigger issue. He definitely can, and does work the washing machine successfully 99% of the time!

He is a great husband in many ways, if I were to have a problem at work or with my family, he gives very sound advice. I think his experiences of struggling with his mental health have generally made him quite empathetic, he is good at understanding why people might be feeling the way they are, and helping me to see how people might be able to rationalise what, to me, seems irrational behaviour, and think about how to sort that out. He gets on well with my family, when we first met he was living in the town where I was at the time staying with my parents, so they know him pretty well.

He is equally as irrationally upset by things that happen at work, and in that instance I try to help him see that slight criticisms of him/suggestions for improvement aren't personal attacks.

The thing is, these are small things you might be getting upset about, but they can be significant if it's incessant. Add into that you can't even make a casual comment about it.

Eggshells = intolerable over time.

If you wait so you're not upset, do you think he could try and control his reaction? After all you're making a lot of sacrifices for this relationship. What effort is he making exactly?