AIBU to not tell DH when he upsets me?

[SparkleGoose]

DH suffers from depression, which is generally pretty well managed, he has had therapy, but reached the point where he and the therapist mutually decided he was no longer getting that much out of it. He's still on anti-depressants. It was pretty bad while we were dating so I didn't enter into marriage entirely unaware of potential challenges.

We have been married a few years now, and by and large it had all ran smoothly. Ups and downs, but nothing major. I am fortunate to be fairly robust in terms of mental health, plus I have a great support network of friends, and a job I love, so while DH's depression has at times caused difficulties, we've been able to work through them.

We've been spending a lot more time together as just the two of us during lockdown, and we are moving to be nearer DH's job which means a change of job for me and moving away from some of the friends I see the most.

Lockdown has highlighted to me a problem that we do have in that if DH upsets me, either in what I would consider a relatively minor way, or a "major" (though comparative to what some women experience still relatively minor) way, and I pull him up on it, he gets extremely upset about it. He will become very glum and uncommunicative, that no amount of reassurance, or apologising can undo, and often later cry about it and apologise for letting me down.

When he has upset me, I often feel like I can either just deal with it myself, and be upset for an hour or so, or discuss it with DH, and us both be upset for a day or two. Often I end up just dealing with it myself, but I do worry that this is going to end up leading to resentment. When he's well DH always encourages me to talk to him if he's upset me, but he always handles it really badly, and I often regret making my feelings known.

I'm hoping that of the multitude of women on here, some of you may have experiences something similar and have advice on how we can manage this. Is this just the burden of the emotionally robust?! Thanks!

He is clearly open to counselling so I would suggest couple counselling.

It’s great that he feels he doesn’t need counselling anymore but his reaction when you tell him something isn’t right tells me either he needs more counselling or he has developed very unhealthy coping mechanisms.
I agree with PP that it can’t carry on. I don’t think talking about it will work (he will just get upset) so you need someone to guide you (or rather him ).

Btw he might react the same with work stuff but I doubt he refuses to talk to his colleagues at work. Or start crying. He is reserving that for you.

I’d be careful to try and make him see it’s not a personal attack. Mixing being a partner and in a ‘counsellor’ role don’t mix well imo.

Just wanted to echo what @Meuniere said. There is no way he would behave this way with a colleague, which means that he is capable of controlling himself.

If you can't have a discussion without making a song and dance and crying about it, he needs to go back to therapy. It's not a couple's counselling issue; you've done nothing wrong.

There is nothing wrong with pulling someone up on the fact they've not done laundry properly or have left dishes for days without washing them. Nothing at all. That is not nagging or reprimanding someone for not doing something properly. That is a fair issue to raise with someone.

You seem to be making excuses for him. Sure, he may have had a troubled childhood. Lots of people have. Doesn't give him an excuse to behave in this way, and if it's still making him cry about basic conversations, again, he needs to go back to therapy.

I really really don't think you should be making all the sacrifices here. Let him move to your area. Don't pin your hopes on young people who may or may not become friends. It sounds to me like he's be incapable of making friends with other people anyway.