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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My husbands ex wife cam girl

67 replies

bumbleme03 · 08/11/2020 13:30

OK, so I pretty much think I am worrying too much however here goes:

I have two really beautiful stepchildren and two boys from my husband. Anyway, my husband's wife is a handful, always has been. She has had numerous different boyfriends and in the space of four years, she had moved them into five different cities each with a new man. Anyway, she met her recent one and fell pregnant so he stuck. The baby is now 1 I think. The issue is they have an extremely toxic relationship, we've had to pick the children up numerous times because they are violent to one another and recently she got arrested for domestic violence. Yes, we have been speaking with social services and tried to be involved as much as possible (my sister is a social worker so been a great help) and of course, have the children as much as possible. The 12-year-old girl is very attached to her mum and strongly defends any actions, which I know some of you will resonate with. My mother was a complete waste of time, but it took me till about 16 to go, hang on...she doesn't care about me.

Anyway, that's enough background... I could go on and on! So, after her arrest her and her fella were told to stay apart, I even said to her, he can't be around the children as they are so upset by it. She said yes he's gone, only to pick up their daughter. Phew, we thought. Now I'm not on social media apart from Insta as I do like that platform and I got a "suggestion" of someone I may know, my profile is private and I always had her account blocked but it was an odd name and it was her and her "supposed" ex's face... so of course, I went down the rabbit hole.

Her and her ex, are on webcam apps as they have links in their bio (yes I clicked it...), and was horrified by what I could see, however, the link to their Twitter account was shocking. I mean, full-blown porn...just there. Sex in her house, completely shocking images of her. Now, who cares? I'm not a prude over things like that in general, its peoples choices. well my issue is, my eldest who is 12, is the biggest wizz on the internet, and I'm concerned that if she came up on my suggestions, will she for my daughter? Also, shes web camming when the kids are there, NOT in the room but obviously at home.

Am I just being AIBU?!?! I don't know what to do

OP posts:
laudemio · 08/11/2020 14:02

Minimum age for insta is 13 so your daughter should not be on it anyway, never mind unsupervised access

ZombieAttack · 08/11/2020 14:02

Wait the op or ex wife and bf?!

Domestic violence towards the OP from her DH.

imjustwingingitdontchaknow · 08/11/2020 14:03

Given the recent revelations on the thread I fear the children are at risk from both sides Sad

imjustwingingitdontchaknow · 08/11/2020 14:04

I have PTSD and I don't attack my spouse, so that's no excuse.

You can be an abuser and have PTSD. The two aren't mutually exclusive.

He doesn't strangle you because of PTSD, he does that because he's abusive.

hibbledibble · 08/11/2020 14:04

It sounds like safeguarding issues for the children, more from the DV than anything else.

Can they live with you?

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:07

@imjustwingingitdontchaknow nooooo 100% not, I absolutely assure you it's not from our side xx

imjustwingingitdontchaknow · 08/11/2020 14:08

I'm not sure you'd realise that they were at risk from your side OP, I say that with kindness and only because you've attributed your DH attacking you to him having PTSD.

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:08

@hibbledibble of course, I had an extension put in last year so they have two huge bedrooms, prior to that the youngest had to sleep in the room with his brother, and they've made friends with my friends kids so they have a huge amount of love and support xx

BluebellsGreenbells · 08/11/2020 14:08

You can screen record in apple devises, I’m sure there’s one for android

You can capture any video without them knowing as proof

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:11

@imjustwingingitdontchaknow That's really lovely to hear, you're right. He realised it and took action, as he said he did it in his sleep and has no memory of it so was hard, at the time to judge if it was his actions or not xxxx

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:12

@BluebellsGreenbells I have a silly old android? xx

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:13

@laudemio tell me about it! we have sky buddy so when shes with us, she can't get on it (which she hates!) but her mum allows her on it xx

Dinosaur19 · 08/11/2020 14:16

Minimum age for insta is 13 so your daughter should not be on it anyway, never mind unsupervised access

Missing the point entirely! Still wouldn’t want my 13 year old seeing this

CodenameVillanelle · 08/11/2020 14:16

[quote lostandfound10979]@ZombieAttack yes, but he's been in therapy for his PTSD and much better now xxxxx[/quote]
Oh well in that case I doubt you'd be successful. Poor kids. No parent capable of safely caring for them.

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:18

@CodenameVillanelle wow...I mean thats simply not true. How hurtful

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2020 14:22

[quote lostandfound10979]@imjustwingingitdontchaknow That's really lovely to hear, you're right. He realised it and took action, as he said he did it in his sleep and has no memory of it so was hard, at the time to judge if it was his actions or not xxxx[/quote]
The guy's a fucking bully and you know it. Even without the fact he nearly killed you, there's just nothing nice about him and now here you are, trapped with 2 kids of his even though he was a shit husband when the first was born.

If I were you, I'd be worrying about things far closer to home. Having just read your other thread, I'm actually glad he didn't bother with custody of his first 2.

But someone needs to help these poor kids even though neither parent is fit to do so.

Harsh but true.

Bbub · 08/11/2020 14:22

I think the ex wife webcamming is the least of the concerns here. Unless there is evidence that the kids have been exposed to it I can't see why it would impact a SS assessment.

The kids could be accessing all sorts of 18+ material if left unsupervised on the Internet.

The domestic violence is the big issue here IMO. Your situation at home is also a concern, I can't see the best way forward

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:24

@WorraLiberty That's what I'm personally trying to do Sad xx

HallieKnight · 08/11/2020 14:31

The fact there is DV on both sides and both partners refuse to leave it is very possible all 5 kids will end up in care

SengaMac · 08/11/2020 14:31

You have proof that the bf is with her again so report them, or at least get advice from your sister.

Mummyoflittledragon · 08/11/2020 14:34

Is he still verbally abusing and controlling you?

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:36

@HallieKnight What? No, absolutely not - I'm sorry this has all turned a bit mean and I apologise. I am by no means defending my husband's actions from 2018, but he has been brilliant since his therapy and we're happy. He's never, ever touched me since and he had just come out of a 12-year service when this happened. I love those kids like my own, and yes @SengaMac you're right, but when we've said it before she's denied him being around so difficult and the kids won't talk.

likethatbutcat · 08/11/2020 14:36

@lostandfound10979

Anyone who just wants to see if you have responded will click "see next/all" and see precisely nothing as you name changed after the first post.

lostandfound10979 · 08/11/2020 14:37

@Mummyoflittledragon no not at all xxxxxx

Flowerpot345 · 08/11/2020 14:41

How do you know shes doing it when the kids are at home?