Christmas gifts from in laws

[SunflowerSeed1234]

Hi all

I'm just looking for some friendly advice and reaching out to see what you would do!

Christmas is really big to my MIL. Mainly present buying. She likes to buy big expensive presents which is of course lovely.

I came from a fairly poor family and we never had lots and lots of presents. Sometimes I find big huge gifts a bit overwhelming. We don't spend as much as her on presents and it makes me feel really awkward. I always think its the thought not the cost of the gift.

Anyway... she always asks every year what to get our child. She doesn't spend a lot of time at all with her grandchild so she really doesn't know them at all. She always suggests things that my child already has or things that are just not suitable. She also goes out and just picks up anything in the shops. I always feel like that money would be better in my childs saving account than a toy they will never play with and we end up donating the next year. I feel like the gifts are a waste as after the initial christmas excitement they are never played with again. I also feel like she asks me not to genuinely ask what my child would like but rather tell me what she is getting regardless if I think it's a good idea or not.

She often buys duplicate toys/items and when we say oh we have that she just says well now they can have 2.

When we have kindly (and i mean kindly) said oh we have that item how about this instead she calls my husband crying down the phone that she wanted to het my child that specific item. Shouts and calls us selfish.

She also purchases a lot of items on wish, ebay & Amazon. I don't like toys bought off these sites as its classed as a market place not a uk based store. This means the items don't need to be approved by EU standards. There is the risk of choking and potentially dangerous chemicals used in making the product. So for example she bought a clock and you place pieces in it. It wasn't aged and my child put some of the bits in their mouth and almost choked. It was really scary. It was clearly not aged appropriately. (My child did this after being gifted the clock) I am not shaming any parents at all who purchase through market places. Just my preference would be a proper uk shop where you know saftey standards are in place. I'd much rather she got less items but we knew they had passed all necessary safety checks.

So some of the time I just dispose of the items purchased.

I know I probably sound ungrateful 🙁 but we are so grateful. It's just such a frustration every year and me and my husband find ourselves arguing and it does ruin the day for all of us. Also I feel upset that she is upset.

For example this year she has already stated she wants to buy my child a bike. We kindly said we already have bought a second hand bike that my child still can't ride and made a different suggestion. She hasn't spoken to us since.

I always feel like gifts should be thoughtful rather than this child is x age so they can have....

She also turns up with sacks and sacks of presents. I find it hard from having so little when I was a child I really learnt to appreciate and look after things. I don't like the message my child is getting by getting lots of "things". I feel like time spent together would be a better for my child rather than not seeing them for months on end and then turning up with a sack of random presents that don't correlate to knowing my child at all.

She also tells my child to open all the boxes instantly. Then on Christmas day when we are trying to leave we are walking around the room picking up small random pieces with no idea what toy they belong to throwing them in bags to get home. It's all a huge mess at home with bits and peices mixed up and we've ended up losing lots of bits at the house and my child is unable to play with it all anyway!

I really don't know what to do anymore
I'm tired of worrying about something in my perspective feels very silly.

My husband says keep telling her no when something isn't suitable. If she gets upset it's her problem. Ovbiously I don't want her to be upset. I feel like just saying buy whatever you want and then just donating things.

What would you do? Should I just take the gift and say thank you regardless if she has asked for my opinion? It's hard as a gift is a gift but why does she ask me and then cry when I suggest something else?

(No attacking comments please. Please read this as it is written. I know a lot of people would be so grateful for additional presents for their children and I know we are very lucky. I just really need some advice on how to best move forward with her in a positive way ❤)

My DM sounds very similar to you MIL. I’m afraid you can’t change them but it does get easier when the children get older and can offer input to the present buying. My DDs are both teens now so they ask my DM for the expensive stuff I refuse to buy .

My way to cope was to try and let MIL just get on with it. Once back at home sort the unwanted/duplicate toys into 3 piles.
1 keep
2 charity shop
3 donation to the local Children Ward. Our hospital was always in need of clean new toys as their always get broken/go missing.

End the day with a massive glass of wine and thank your lucky stars Christmas comes round only once a year.

My Ex-MIL was like this (probably still is!) and I have a similar background to you where I’m from a very large family who don’t really go mad at Christmas/birthdays (siblings stopped buying for each other once kids arrived unless I see something I know they’ll particularly like). Ex-Mil however was an only child and ExH and his brother were sadly the only grandchildren on that whole side of the family. She proudly recounts how on Christmas Day the boys would both have their own ‘pile’ identified by different paper and would be restrained at the door by a crowd of relatives before bursting in to rip all the paper off ASAP. The piles had a blend of big gifts, chocolate, little bits of plastic tat etc with the emphasis on quantity. Sounded awful to me! We used to sit and wait to be given a gift each, read the tag, see who it’s from, open it and say Thankyou if the giver was there.

Anyway- took me years to feel confident enough to give her a list for DC as I thought it felt grabby, but also despaired at her replicating this approach (including one year we arrived on the 27th and she announced ‘Santa came to my house too!’ And did the whole shebang, which we had not discussed). She didn’t mind a list at all and was happy for this to be channelled. I used to send her web links around October as she starts early, also as pp have suggested gave her a theme/brand she could do whatever with (Lego, Sylvanians). As kids get older you can also tell her not to deviate as the kids are obviously very particular about brand/colour or whatever...

Anyway- it worked! Only an Ex-Mil as ExH decided to fuck his secretary which she was mortified by...

Create a list and hope for the best.

Add a little note saying the real thing is best as other "near"
things don't really work well with the real thing.

Duplo
Lego
Brio
Playmobil
Sylvanian Families
Barbie
Schliech animals
Hotwheels
melissa and doug
Budkins
Le Toy Van
PJ's in size .... from Primark or M&S

If you end up with too much of these brands you can sell it really easily.

Could you suggest books?

Wrt books do be careful as I also thought this was safe ground and was inundated with those 3 for £5 from the Works which are a bit ropey

Don't ask for duplo or anything like that, she will just buy loads of it.

Steer her towards big days out, tickets to things. Lapland uk is awesome but costs hundreds for example. Frame it as you'd love to experience that as a whole family gift and don't want anything else

Not this year, it's sold out and it's 2020 😂

I mean as an example for the future

Leave your dh to deal with her. Just donate the stuff to somewhere wanting children's toys. Don't stress about it

Why do you go to her house on Xmas day and not the other way around?

you dont get to dictate gifts (unless theirs a real saftey issue or a moral reason that is intrinsically part of your lifestyle... basically pick your hill to die on wisely not broadly otherwise it seems like an attack)

and a gift doesnt have an equal monetory amount, just because someone bought you a gift never means your entitled to say 'I'd rather have the money' thats straight up rude and such an entitled thought proccess and the gift is for the child, no child wants a saving deposit as a gift.

If you have 2 of it then sell it or give it away

If your child isnt interested and agrees then sell or donate it (although we have had years we got stuff and it was put in a cupboard and a year later it was suddenly his favorite thing)

If it is genuinly offensive and inappropriate the refuse it (only in the cases it needs to be done not for every little thing you just dont full like)

but you never just get to say 'dont buy it give me the money' that isnt an option unless the giver asks if you would prefer the money.

Just smile and say thank you and then bin/charity shop the unwanted items after Christmas.

But honestly, the whole fussing over where she's bought gifts from is doing you no favours. It really does come across like you are trying to find as many petty things as possible to pick her up on.

I’d pick my battles... and I say that as someone who’s had a whole load of issues with her ILS. Can you and DH think of something your DC would like, then drop massive hints about getting it? She’ll probably beat you to it. Sell or donate stuff that’s not suitable: yes, it’s a waste and the money would be better, but rather that than bad feeling. My MIL once bought my then 18month old his present from the Ringtons tea man: a musical Christmas tree tin containing jelly sweets as big as his fist, which would have choked him. It also had a plastic star on the top of it, which he snapped off immediately, leaving a lovely sharp point sticking up. It even said on the bottom: THIS IS NOT A TOY: AGE 6+ ONLY. It went in the bin as soon as the star came off.

You are right about Amazon Marketplace @sunflowerseed1234. It's largely unregulated and not safe - not just the toys but cribs, bottles, everything. Only a tiny fraction of Amazon's business is what it used to be - a reputable company that buys and sells products. It is now mostly this unregulated marketplace where they do nothing to vet sellers and don't even see the products being sold. Amazon makes it very difficult to tell if you are buying from its core business or from the Marketplace too. I avoid it myself and have asked my parents to avoid it, but am happy for people who are savvier with it to give me recommendations.

I don't think you sound snobby either. My mum loves to buy cheap presents - but she knows my son well and chooses things he will love. For instance, last year she bought him a waving snowman from Poundland - it is complete tack but he adores it and it's been played with all year! So it's not about price but about caring.

Sorry I don't have any advice - just wanted to say that I agree with you!

I have an MIL like this. She brought the presents over one year in an old duvet cover.

It usually goes straight in a charity shop bag. If she wants to waste her money, let her get on with it.

What your MIL is doing is actually very selfish and rude.

She has no thought for what your DC actually want or need. She has no interest in getting to know them as people. She buys them things purely in order to make HERSELF happy, not them. And if you try to gently redirect her towards things that they would like better and benefit from more, she throws a tantrum and sobs to make you feel guilty (even though she actually asked you for your input in the first place!).

This is not normal behaviour. She sounds controlling, manipulative and difficult.

Luckily, your husband seems to know exactly what she's like. My big suggestion would be to leave him to deal with her. After all, why exactly is she targeting you with all these questions and issues instead of him? (Maybe because she knows he won't put up with her shit?) She's his mother, not yours. I would deflect this as much as possible with, "Ooh, I'm not sure, you'd better ask DH." Rinse and repeat.

You could also try putting some large empty boxes into your car boot etc when you visit, to fill it up. Then you can say - sorry, we don't have enough space for all of this... take the presents your DC will actually use, and leave the duplicates and pointless crap all over the floor to be kept at Granny's house so that DC can play with them when he comes to visit.

Present-giving isn't always an act of kindness. it can be an act of dominance and control. People who haven't experienced this often don't understand that.

My MIL spends half of her life in charity shops which I genuinely have no issue with, I love a charity shop bargain myself but she just loves buying pure tat. She’ll literally buy anything and everything with very little thought put into it. Past examples have been pink glittery high heels for me (if you knew me you’d know I am NOT the pink glittery sort ), dirty Pudsey bear keyrings for the DC (they honestly were black with filth), a set of vampire books- definitely not my thing and jigsaws with missing pieces.

If it’s a quid or two she’ll buy it basically then wrap it up and give it to us. She usually brings a big sack for each child mostly filled with absolute crap then a handful of gifts for DH and I. We dread it every year because we then always have a trip back to the charity shop to give it all back .

I just wanted to say that eBay and Amazon do follow regs so no worries there. I buy lots of things on prime, it’s just the same as anywhere else but tends to cost less so win win.

Just ask for something you actually want or ask for a voucher instead. If she still doesn’t comply you’ll just have to give the gifts away. It’s annoying but your child will grow up eventually so it won’t always be a problem.

@PumpkinCheater thank you so much for understanding. To be honest that's exactly what it is like and what it feels like. She asks me for an opinion and then starts trying to shame us for giving it. She calls my husband up crying down the phone that she wants to buy these gifts etc etc. It always seems to come out of nowhere and I find it really hard to understand the level of reaction from someone just suggesting an alternative item to buy a child for christmas.

My mum suggested a few things (some off amazon etc) I just said oh maybe not that but he would love this and it wasn't a problem at all.

It's hard as part of me says its a gift just accept it and the other part is feeling why do you ask me then completely ignore what I say. Its also getting harder to whip toys away once given. We often get a lot of toys etc from online market places. Often coming in a zip lock sand which bag. I genuinely do worry about safety.

I think that's a great shout replying with "ask my husband". I don't know why she keeps on asking me and then getting upset/ignoring us after.

It's so draining and sucks the fun out of everything. Dreading another Christmas day there.

Thanks so much to all you lovely people for all the helpful tips and advice. It really has been really helpful ❤ x Also a safe place to vent. Thanks all x

Thank you OP and good luck

If she shows a lot of this type of behaviour, then you may find the Stately Homes threads on Mumsnet helpful. They have a lot of posters who are dealing with family members like this.