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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact

51 replies

Thesnowfellfast · 07/11/2020 19:41

Abusive ex and I split last year. He sees the kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays for tea.
During lockdown #1 I had a partner and he was single. For the first 4 weeks of lockdown I didn't see anyone aside from ex when handing over DC.
Then my partner temporarily moved in so that we could see each other. He took 3 weeks annual leave and the first week he stayed at his in isolation just to be sure.
When ex found out he went ballistic, calling us selfish and refusing the see the kids in case DP had given them covid.
He was still seeing his family regularly throughout lockdown and also continued with his "tinder sluts" as he called them.
As lockdown eased my mum became part of our support bubble. Ex said he bubbled up with his parents too, although I found out through DD that she was regularly seeing aunties and uncles and her 6 cousins as well.
Since then he has got himself a steady gf.
The week prior to lockdown #2, our area went into tier 2. He took the DC to a Halloween party at his sisters house where other cousins and relatives were present. He also had his gf at his house.
Nation lockdown came in and he questioned me on who I am in a bubble with etc. I said that once again, DP is temp moving in so we can all be one household and my mum is bubbling up with us as she is living alone.
He said he is in a bubble with his parents. I had cause to go past his house this morning and low and behold his gf is there. Obviously stayed the night.
I'm really annoyed as it seems he is putting his need for sex above keeping his kids safe. As it is our area is in the top 5 worst areas for covid at the moment.
Would I be unreasonable to stop contact until the covid situation eases or he can prove that he can follow the damn rules for once in his life!! He seems to think he's special and that they don't apply to him. Typical narc.

OP posts:
FelicityPike · 07/11/2020 19:44

No you don’t stop contact.

june2007 · 07/11/2020 19:50

Stop telling each other who should be in whose bubble.

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 07/11/2020 19:52

I wouldn't care who was in his bubble if he just bloody stuck to it. I'm here sticking to the rules to keep my kids safe and hes carrying on like there's nothing going on.
Forgot to mention there's no formal contact arrangement in place, just one arranged between us.

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 07/11/2020 19:54

Since you’re not a single adult household you can’t bubble with anyone, so you’re as much in the wrong as he is.

Stop using your children as pawns.

Waveysnail · 07/11/2020 19:56

No u cant stop contact

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 07/11/2020 19:56

My mum is a single person household so we are in her bubble.
I am not using the children as pawns. I have only ever promoted a positive relationship with their dad and encouraged contact. He regularly chops and changes at the last minute and generally dumps the kids when something better comes along.
I just feel like this rule breaking is an uneccessry risk for them.

OP posts:
Kcar · 07/11/2020 19:58

The kids are allowed to move between the two houses. Why can’t his gf live with him and he bubble with his parents?

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 07/11/2020 20:07

He couldn't bubble with his parents if she moved in as he wouldn't be a single person household. Besides which she has her own DC and they have only been together for a short while.
I couldn't really care less about the ins and outs of his relationship. I just want him to follow the rules to keep our dc safe

OP posts:
Northofsomewhere · 07/11/2020 20:08

Do the kids go to school? I think that's likely to be the biggest risk rather than his girlfriend. I could see why you were frustrated last time because he was meeting a bigger range of people but as it seems to be a longer term thing then it's less of a worry.

negomi90 · 07/11/2020 20:08

No you don't punish the kids because your ex isn't following the rules. Stopping contact hurts them more then him.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 20:09

But you’re not a single person household now your boyfriend has moved in.

DenimDrift · 07/11/2020 20:11

jesus christ!!

as bad as each other.....poor kid

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 07/11/2020 20:11

But my mum is which is why she's bubbled with us.
Guess I'm being unreasonable then.
Just feel frustrated people don't follow the rules and then wonder why the infection rate is going up.

OP posts:
RedMarauder · 07/11/2020 20:12

OP the lockdown rules have changed frequently. Not at one point in your original post did you say any adult in your groups is extremely clinically vulnerable.

You also didn't say your joint children where unhappy seeing him.

Stop trying to control him as it will come back to bite you on your behind as it is none of your business who he sees and vice versa.

ramblingsonthego · 07/11/2020 20:17

@Kcar

But you’re not a single person household now your boyfriend has moved in.
No but her mum is! She has stated this. Her mum has joined their bubble. We have done then same with my mum. It doesn't have to be 2 single adult households that bubble.
DDiva · 07/11/2020 20:21

I can understand your frustration with his various partners and family gatherings against the rules and increasing risk. I also understand that you are doing nothing wrong.

However I wouldnt stop contact because his girlfriend is there. Its true your kids going to school is a far greater risk than her.

At a stretch a constant girlfriend with a family of her own could be a stabilising influence. - clutching at straws I know.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 20:21

Well in the last lockdown there was an exemption for people,in a relationship.

I do t think it’s fair for the op to have her partner there but expect her ex not to have his.

Kcar · 07/11/2020 20:21

Don’t

MiddlesexGirl · 07/11/2020 20:23

I get that you are following the rules (your mum is single so bubble permitted whereas his parents are not so if the gf is part of his bubble then the parents can't be - plus not even clear that the gf is bubbling as opposed to visiting)
BUT
In the overall scheme of things it makes very little difference and your children are the ones that get messed around.
What do they want? What is best for them?

AllsortsofAwkward · 07/11/2020 20:24

Poor kids their parents split last year and youre moving youre bf in with them during lockdown and bickering with their father.

cringyminge · 07/11/2020 20:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

CodenameVillanelle · 07/11/2020 20:28

Of course you shouldn't stop contact for this.

cringyminge · 07/11/2020 20:29

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ.

Sleepforever · 07/11/2020 20:30

Your partner "temporarily " moving in with you each lockdown is also bending the rules- it isn't his permanent address, he isn't registered at your address, he is basically staying over at yours to suit you. So he is your bubble and technically you can't have your mum as well.
I think you and ex dp are doing exactly the same thing so it's a bit rich you wanting to stop contact when you are also interpreting the rules to suit yourself.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2020 20:30

No you can’t stop contact. And it’s a bit rich accusing him of prioritising his sex life when you’ve done the same by moving your usually live-out boyfriend in during lockdowns. Either you live together or you don’t, you don’t until it’s convenient to do so for a few weeks. Very unsettling for your children. And now you’re trying to prevent them seeing their father. Not amazing.