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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stop contact

51 replies

Thesnowfellfast · 07/11/2020 19:41

Abusive ex and I split last year. He sees the kids every other weekend and on Wednesdays for tea.
During lockdown #1 I had a partner and he was single. For the first 4 weeks of lockdown I didn't see anyone aside from ex when handing over DC.
Then my partner temporarily moved in so that we could see each other. He took 3 weeks annual leave and the first week he stayed at his in isolation just to be sure.
When ex found out he went ballistic, calling us selfish and refusing the see the kids in case DP had given them covid.
He was still seeing his family regularly throughout lockdown and also continued with his "tinder sluts" as he called them.
As lockdown eased my mum became part of our support bubble. Ex said he bubbled up with his parents too, although I found out through DD that she was regularly seeing aunties and uncles and her 6 cousins as well.
Since then he has got himself a steady gf.
The week prior to lockdown #2, our area went into tier 2. He took the DC to a Halloween party at his sisters house where other cousins and relatives were present. He also had his gf at his house.
Nation lockdown came in and he questioned me on who I am in a bubble with etc. I said that once again, DP is temp moving in so we can all be one household and my mum is bubbling up with us as she is living alone.
He said he is in a bubble with his parents. I had cause to go past his house this morning and low and behold his gf is there. Obviously stayed the night.
I'm really annoyed as it seems he is putting his need for sex above keeping his kids safe. As it is our area is in the top 5 worst areas for covid at the moment.
Would I be unreasonable to stop contact until the covid situation eases or he can prove that he can follow the damn rules for once in his life!! He seems to think he's special and that they don't apply to him. Typical narc.

OP posts:
Kcar · 07/11/2020 20:31

@Sleepforever

Your partner "temporarily " moving in with you each lockdown is also bending the rules- it isn't his permanent address, he isn't registered at your address, he is basically staying over at yours to suit you. So he is your bubble and technically you can't have your mum as well. I think you and ex dp are doing exactly the same thing so it's a bit rich you wanting to stop contact when you are also interpreting the rules to suit yourself.
This.
bakewelltarty · 07/11/2020 20:35

Stop playing games. Only the children will suffer.

dawnc27 · 07/11/2020 20:38

or could it also be seen as mum choose OP as her bubble and OP choose bf as hers?
could it work that way? genuinely asking as it is all rather confusing

supersonicginandtonic · 07/11/2020 20:38

My ex partner has seen his kids every single weekend, without fail, since the last lockdown and also half the school holidays.
Never would I tell him who he can and can't see, neither would he with me.
I do think moving somebody you have not been together with for very long (especially last lockdown) is very premature and confusing for the child.

NetflixWatcher · 07/11/2020 20:39

I'd have loved to be on your side but YABU OP. Don't be that ex.

3JsMa · 07/11/2020 20:40

I really understand your concerns.
Same here,finally left the abusive relationship but the difference is he did not make a single effort to secure any contact with children(4&).
It's absolute hell on earth when trying to co-parent with narc.
Trust your guts and if it doesnt feel right then it probably isn't.

Please igonre all the comments about your poor kids and using children as pawns.People have no clue about survivng after abuse and also trying to find common ground with the abuser when it comes to sharing childcare.

3JsMa · 07/11/2020 20:41

Sorry for the typoGrin

Children are 4&7

Kcar · 07/11/2020 20:45

But last lockdown the op was hardly split any length of time and moved the new man in. Hardly fair on the kids.

AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2020 20:45

@dawnc27

or could it also be seen as mum choose OP as her bubble and OP choose bf as hers? could it work that way? genuinely asking as it is all rather confusing
No, absolutely not. Support bubbles have been in place for many months now, the rules are incredibly simple and clear, how is it people don’t understand?! It’s got to be a mutual arrangement. If what you suggest was the case where would you drawer the line?
AnneLovesGilbert · 07/11/2020 20:51

It's absolute hell on earth when trying to co-parent with narc.
Trust your guts and if it doesnt feel right then it probably isn't.

Truly staggering how many people on MN have exes with diagnosed personality issues.

Thankfully OP’s gut doesn’t trump what’s right for the children she shares with her ex which is an ongoing relationship with their father. She’s moving her boyfriend in as and when she fancies, she’s chippy her ex has a girlfriend he’s seeing too now. If her ex is suitable to see the DC every other weekend and once a week, she’s being ridiculous to decide he’s no longer a fit parent because he’s making similar decisions regarding his sex life as she is. It’s rank hypocrisy.

lyralalala · 07/11/2020 20:52

@dawnc27

or could it also be seen as mum choose OP as her bubble and OP choose bf as hers? could it work that way? genuinely asking as it is all rather confusing
No, the OP's Mum - a single person - has bubbled with the OP's household. Which includes her partner.

Couples were actively encouraged to move in together rather than having two households in lockdown.

The girlfriend bit wouldn't bother me @Thesnowfellfast, but the constant mixing with aunts, uncles and numerous cousins would. I'd mention that to him, but leave the gf bit be.

dawnc27 · 07/11/2020 20:59

AnneLovesGilbert... thats kinda the question im asking. if op decides her support bubble is the boyfriend, making them "one household" then can op mum make op household her support bubble?
i dont know bout this shit as im married and a hermit anyway

lyralalala · 07/11/2020 21:05

@dawnc27

AnneLovesGilbert... thats kinda the question im asking. if op decides her support bubble is the boyfriend, making them "one household" then can op mum make op household her support bubble? i dont know bout this shit as im married and a hermit anyway
Not if the boyfriend lived in his own house.

By moving in together they are one household. So the op’s mum can have them as her support bubble

Voice0fReason · 07/11/2020 21:32

Then my partner temporarily moved in so that we could see each other.

he is putting his need for sex above keeping his kids safe

Sounds like you are both doing the same.
Your kids need to see their dad.

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 08/11/2020 07:53

Oh yes my poor kids not having to see their mother beat to a pulp by their father just because he bloody well feels like it!
My poor kids not having to endure him constantly emotionally and financially abusing me basically keeping me hostage as his slave.
My poor kids having to deal with my new partner (of over a year) who has been in their lives since they were born as we were best friends long before they came along.
My ex is only allowed contact at all because social services deemed him to be a low risk to the children over several months. I'm still absolutely terrified of him and having to have therapy for complex PTSD. He constantly chops and changes his contact when he feels like it and to be honest I'm absolutely terrified of stopping him seeing them because of what he might do to me!
So yeah, I'm petty for thinking that he's exposing the kids to unnecessary risks of COVID on top of all the other shit he pulls

OP posts:
emilyfrost · 08/11/2020 08:12

YABU. You can’t stop contact on the basis he’s “breaking the rules” when your partner moved in four weeks after lockdown, which is also breaking the rules.

Stop being petty and trying to point score.

FlatandFabulous · 08/11/2020 08:13

So people aren't giving you the sympathy and "you go girl" responses you want so you add all the extra information. I work with women every day who are victims of FV so would never belittle your situation but maybe don't post in AIBU!

HugeAckmansWife · 08/11/2020 08:18

Sorry op, your update is irrelevant to your actual question. Particularly this time round, with kids in school, the actual increased risk to them or you of him seeing his gf are negligible and absolutely not a basis for stopping contact.

Kcar · 08/11/2020 08:19

All of that notwithstanding, two wrongs don’t make a right.

You’re holding him to a different standard to you in terms of his girlfriend.

You’re angry and upset and I get that. And he’s a complete dick.

But you still moved your partner in fast. And you need to recognise that. Your children don’t come at it from the same place as you do.

Can you talk this out with your therapist?

Original poster
Thesnowfellfast · 08/11/2020 08:19

Well as I am still very isolated I have very few people IRL whom I could as so I thought I would see what the general opinion was. I did state he was abusive in my OP. Didn't feel the need to go into great detail.
I wasn't looking for 'go girl' responses, just opinions. Seems people forget that they can leave a polite response though.
And FYI, one of the reasons my DP moved in during the first lockdown was because the only person I was legally allowed to see was my abusive ex who took great pleasure in my isolation and used it to his advantage. So my DP moved in to protect me.

OP posts:
Kcar · 08/11/2020 08:21

You really need to untangle this. Having a saviour when you’re out of an abusive relationship isn’t great relationship dynamics.

Palavah · 08/11/2020 08:29

@dawnc27

or could it also be seen as mum choose OP as her bubble and OP choose bf as hers? could it work that way? genuinely asking as it is all rather confusing
No it couldn't.
HugeAckmansWife · 08/11/2020 08:38

OP, if you're frightened of your ex and something happens, you call the police. Your bf 'protecting' you is not the answer and if that were really true he wouldn't have moved out again after the first lockdown. I'm a SP, my bubble is my parents. My partner of 4 years lives alone but we haven't moved in as it's not the right thing for us so I'm hardly seeing him. It sucks and I'm lonely but thats just how it is. Your ex, regardless of his other faults is not doing anything so wrong that you would be supported in stopping contact.

Bookworming · 08/11/2020 08:54

I'm not sure what stick people are going to use to beat each other once Covid is over!

You broke the rules in the first lockdown, he's breaking the rules now.

You're trying to explain your decision to break the rules was justified, you can't, breaking is breaking.

But list of all moving your BF in so soon and using Covid as an excuse must be hard for your DC.

You both need to look at your parenting and the need to prioritise your DC.

MahMahMahMahCorona · 08/11/2020 09:05

@june2007

Stop telling each other who should be in whose bubble.
This.
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