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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband has being using my laptop to talk to strangers on bdsm website

51 replies

Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 14:58

I opened my laptop to start wfh and there was a bdsm website up with hundreds of explicit messages to different women going back months. Husband said ‘it’s just a fantasy thing’ There aren’t any photos exchanged or private details.

AIBU to think it’s cheating?

I literally don’t know what to do. I’ve always been the one with a slightly higher sex drive and I’ve never turned him down.

I’ve been working myself half to death to pay for our beautiful house and all our things whilst he has an easy life and I feel a lot of resentment that this is what he’s been doing while I’ve been working and he’s sitting at home.

I also feel that I don’t know how I can trust him now. I could never have done something like this to him.

OP posts:
Guiltypleasures001 · 07/11/2020 15:38

So did he leave that on there deliberately ?
Pay out cause your the high earner ?
Is he the main carer if you have kids?
Sound like he's forced your hand, and wants to see where he lands
And how soft you are going to make it for him

Original poster
Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 15:41

@WhereYouLeftIt

"hundreds of explicit messages to different women going back months"

I'd call that cheating.

"I’ve been working myself half to death to pay for our beautiful house and all our things whilst he has an easy life and I feel a lot of resentment that this is what he’s been doing while I’ve been working and he’s sitting at home."
Why is he 'sitting at home'? Is he furloughed so still contributing financially to the household, or - what? 'Working myself half to death' suggests you're doing overtime/extra shifts for financial reasons - is this the case?

He’s working from home at the moment, but not in a very taxing job. He pays for some of the smaller bills, I am just the higher earner by quite some way. At the moment I am doing two jobs because I’ve just bought a new house for us and need to earn back some savings.
OP posts:
FrancoBranco · 07/11/2020 15:42

Apart from the cheating (he is disgusting) he was using your work laptop to access explicit websites! You could get in a world of trouble for that.

I saw a motto this week of "Don't party on your work laptop and don't work on your party laptop' which i think is appropriate here.

Elieza · 07/11/2020 15:44

I’d be worried your laptop may have been infected as goodness knows where else he has been! Get a Virus checker - ive got child locks on the WiFi as I am paranoid I might stray into dodgy territory and it’s not my thing!

However lots of people are totally ok with this kind of thing.

For me I think it’s important to discuss relationship and sex stuff and make sure both partners are on the same page. I wouldn’t be up for that at all personally and I’d be hurt.

It feels underhand if he sidles off and does his own thing.

If he’d only talked to you about his feelings or desires you could have had more fun together than him flying solo with other women in the internet.

So the question is why did he not tell you his fantasies first?

Original poster
Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 15:47

@Lorw

LTB. This is how it starts, before you know he’s going behind your back sleeping with loads of other women using the excuse ‘it’s my fantasy’ 🙄

He’s being a selfish prick and getting his kicks from others, which is not ok. Did you know he had an interest in BDSM?

yes I did know he used to have an interest in bdsm. I’ve always told him in the past if he ever wants anything he could ask for whatever he wanted. He told me he wasn’t interested in it anymore!
OP posts:
Savourysenorita · 07/11/2020 15:54

Sigh. He's left it in plain sight. My DH used to look at kinky porn etc online but used to be very clever and devious (he'd always go on private browsing and make sure he never saved cookies etc) I only found out as I had suspicions and changed the settings to record all history once and the minute I checked it there it all was. I chose to move on (I was pregnant and had a very young baby also) but I never really looked at him in the same light after that and the I'll always be suspicious of what he's looking at when I'm at work. I don't mind porn but there were downloaded amateur pics and also he'd found ways to remotely hack into women's Facebook etc. I was horrified but had no support to leave. We've come out the other side and I concentrate mostly on the kids. He's a good father and generally good husband but I'm unsure if these fetishises ever go away. I didn't leave so no advice of a practical nature I'm afraid

Lorw · 07/11/2020 15:56

Well then that’s even worse. I think it would have been an easier pill to swallow if you knew nothing of it and he was too “ashamed” to tell you. He lied to you and didn’t communicate but it is a bit off that he just left it there for you to find? Maybe he felt he couldn’t broach the subject. Still not okay, what he is doing is cheating.

Savourysenorita · 07/11/2020 16:01

@Lorw I think there's something a bit more sinister and devious when it's so calculating with the 'grand cover up' but either way it's not pretty. I wonder just how many men get up to this kind of thing and have just never been caught

DryRoastPeanut · 07/11/2020 16:28

Totally deal breaker, he’s been cheating. Maybe he hasn’t actually put his dick inside someone, but he’s actively been having fantasies without you and that’s pretty much the same thing.

Original poster
Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 16:56

I think I could have excused it if it was a one off, or if I hadn’t always been clear that was a hard boundary for me. But I have discussed it theoretically before and told him I had no problem with porn but would have a problem with him engaging with other people online. And it’s been hundreds of very explicit really crass messages over months. On my laptop that I use for work! I e communicated that with him and left the ball in his court to give me a reasonable way to move forward.

OP posts:
Original poster
Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 17:00

@Elieza

I’d be worried your laptop may have been infected as goodness knows where else he has been! Get a Virus checker - ive got child locks on the WiFi as I am paranoid I might stray into dodgy territory and it’s not my thing!

However lots of people are totally ok with this kind of thing.

For me I think it’s important to discuss relationship and sex stuff and make sure both partners are on the same page. I wouldn’t be up for that at all personally and I’d be hurt.

It feels underhand if he sidles off and does his own thing.

If he’d only talked to you about his feelings or desires you could have had more fun together than him flying solo with other women in the internet.

So the question is why did he not tell you his fantasies first?

I’ve always been totally open with him and made it clear where my boundaries lie. We even had a conversation about it a few weeks ago that I happened to bring up this exact situation regarding someone we know! I told him exactly how I thought of it and he pretended to agree with me. I thought my husband and I had a really honest relationship and I talked to him about everything. Obviously we aren’t as close as I had thought.
OP posts:
CupoTeap · 07/11/2020 17:01

I hope it's not a work laptop

Original poster
Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 17:03

@CupoTeap

I hope it's not a work laptop
It’s not a work laptop thankfully. It’s just my own that I use for my second job
OP posts:
IJustWantSomeBees · 07/11/2020 17:26

@geekone

You know I think I would be more pissed off that he used my work laptop for something like that rather than the actual doing something like that. Not sure it’s cheating I think it’s fantasy too but that doesn’t mean you have to like it or want him near you again if it crosses your boundaries.
It isn't fantasy if you are involving another person. That is very much reality as the conversation is not coming from his head but is actual dialogue.
IJustWantSomeBees · 07/11/2020 17:29

He said porn wasn’t enough any more.

OP this update is the most worrying part I think. If he was before content with porn but now it's not enough, what happens when engaging in online 'fantasy' with another woman isn't enough? Where is he going to draw the line? And what unhealthy habits has he formed that he is becoming desensitized sexually?

Aquamarine1029 · 07/11/2020 18:51

He said porn wasn’t enough any more.

The fact he actually said that out loud is reprehensible. What an absolute piece of shit.

AnyFucker · 07/11/2020 18:54

And when what he is doing now "isn't enough".... ??

NetflixWatcher · 07/11/2020 18:54

Sorry you've been cheated on OP.

Original poster
Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 19:23

Thanks for all your input. He’s told me now he’s been doing this for about a year. I’ve suggested that we speak to a solicitor to discuss how we will separate financially if it comes to it. He can’t come up with any valid reason as to what he’s been doing. He just said he didn’t view it as real as he never intended to meet up with anyone in real life. Given the nature and number of the messages I just don’t find that reassuring enough to continue in the marriage I think

OP posts:
CaraDuneRedux · 07/11/2020 19:24

I think the choice of your laptop is significant. It's deliberate, pre-meditated boundary violation done in the knowledge that you'd find out. Furthermore done in "your space" to increase the sense of violation.

This is a horrible man, and I'd go as far as to say, a psychologically disturbed man

Kick the fucker out the house and turf his possessions onto the front path in bin bags.

IJustWantSomeBees · 07/11/2020 19:43

I agree it's very strange he chose to use your work laptop and just leave his messages up for you to see. Perhaps the thrill of wondering if you'll catch him is part of what now 'does' it for him?

geekone · 07/11/2020 22:05

No I get that. I don’t think I would like it either, but I did find myself being more annoyed on the OPs behalf that it was a work computer.

I do think people have different boundaries though. Still it would weigh on my mind I wouldn’t be able to move on.

Original poster
Sukhwinder · 07/11/2020 23:10

@geekone

No I get that. I don’t think I would like it either, but I did find myself being more annoyed on the OPs behalf that it was a work computer.

I do think people have different boundaries though. Still it would weigh on my mind I wouldn’t be able to move on.

He doesn’t have his own personal laptop at the moment, he only has a strictly work laptop And I leave my personal laptop at home which doubles up as a laptop I use for my second job. He said it was an accident t that he left it open. It was open in ‘incognito’ mode. But he has confessed to speaking to people online for about a year about very unsavoury fetishes including ‘toilet play’ now.

I thought we were totally in love. I’m not sure what happened. We’ve been together for 8 years! We had what seemed like a perfect relationship and he was literally my best friend. I am at a dead end now

OP posts:
Goingtogetflamed · 08/11/2020 16:10

Hi OP how has today gone? Everyone has their own red lines and you seem pretty clear about what yours are which is admirable.

IveGotFrills · 08/11/2020 17:11

@Sukhwinder

Thanks for all your input. He’s told me now he’s been doing this for about a year. I’ve suggested that we speak to a solicitor to discuss how we will separate financially if it comes to it. He can’t come up with any valid reason as to what he’s been doing. He just said he didn’t view it as real as he never intended to meet up with anyone in real life. Given the nature and number of the messages I just don’t find that reassuring enough to continue in the marriage I think
If you do that op, he'll find out that he can take half of what you've earned/provided the lion's share of! And may think great! Let's do this. Hmm