To think this is not normal (sex post baby number 2)

[Hope4theBestPlan4theWorst]

So I've got 2 dc, one 5 and 1 is 18months.

Was talking to my colleague yesterday (same age as me just a year younger, 3 children under 10 youngest 4)

She said "we have sex at least 3-4 times a week"

I can count on one hand the number of times we've dtd since dc2 was born

I'm totally exhausted and moreover I've found I don't actually even like it anymore - I hate my body and the thought of it revolts me. Last time I laid there praying he'd hurry up it was awful
I love my other half it's not that I've just gone off sex with no interest to re-ignite
it!

Is this normal??? Does anyone else feel like this??

I mean everyone's different, but to be able to 'count on one hand' the amount of times you've been physically intimate in 18 months is quite unusual in my mind. The first couple of years with children is more difficult for privacy/time/effort, but not to the point of a practically non-existent sex life.

Sounds like the issues here are much deeper though.

its a difficult one, as people are so different. From my experience, but bearing in mind I only have 1 DS, we're about 2-3 times a week, so I think both 3-4 times a week and 5 times in 18 months is not the normal for us.

However, I do think the age of the youngest child is more important for your number per week, toddlers are exhausting, where I don't think older kids are as much (ha, we'll see I guess!)

We only DTD two or three times in the first few years after DD2 - indeed after the conception. It is not uncommon.

Bucking the trend. Have a 1 year old. We’re probably lucky to get it once every fortnight. She doesn’t go to sleep until half 11 and is up at 7 so we’d literally have to forego our own sleep to up the number of times. Whilst that’s something we both sometimes initiate, we are also mindful of each other, if you are really really shattered you are not going to want it or enjoy it. What’s your friends job like vs yours? Or are you both stay at home? How much help do you each get round the house or from family? Are you both in good health? All this factors in.

I feel a lot more like you OP. It's more than just a handful of times but still very little, maybe once a month. I just can't face the thought of it tbh but we talk about it and why things are as they are and we're both happy knowing that things will get easier at some point. We're all different and as long as you are both ok with it then that's fine. For us we've never really had sex at bedtime, we both get tired and enjoy a relaxing evening together, we always used to have morning or daytime sex but we have absolutely no opportunity for that at the moment...we haven't had any time away since DS was born 3 years ago and it does take its toll. So to answer your question I don't think YABU, I think it's fairly normal to feel the way you do.

I find it strange when people tend to boast about having lots of Sex ,like its a competition or something! She may be exaggerating anyway .I dont think its uncommon really with young DC TBH .There is a saying that DC are often the best contraceptive there is!

Our youngest two are both under 2 (20 months and 4 months) and we do it 2 or 3 times a week. Everyone is different though.

Everyone is different we were back to most nights within a month or so of all of ours - 4DC.

DH was very hands on as a parent and around thee house, they were decent sleepers and we were both happy happy with a mutually satisfying quickie 🤷🏽‍♀️

It’s probably all normal as everyone is different. I’m nearer your colleague then to what you’re doing.

Are you happy? Is your partner? Do you want to address your feelings and view of your own body?

Having young children has never stopped me wanting or having sex either so I wouldn’t say your colleague was the unusual one.

Everyone’s different. I wanted to have sex quite often after DC4 was born so our sex life pretty much resumed as normal. DC5 was born in July and DH is lucky if we have sex once a week. He thinks something is wrong with me but I’m just absolutely knackered and not in the mood. So yeah, I’ve had both experiences and both are normal.

I think it really varies! To me it sounds lile your colleague is on quite an extreme end of the spectrum (if she is even being honest!) and so are you. I would guess at once a week being roughly "average" for people with kids, so would put anything from 3x week to once every 3 weeks as within a perfectly "normal" range.

How you feel about sex I don't think is really "normal" (apologies, can't think of a better word) though I'm sure quite common. I know it took me a couple years to really get my libido back after 2 kids (especially whilst I was breastfeeding). When I came off the pill when youngest was 3 I realised that it had had a big effect on my lessened libido.

I would add to the thread that we opt for what we call "lazy sex". it's when we're both laying on our backs and no one needs to actually get up on top

It doesn’t matter what everyone else I doing, provided you and your DH are happy. Have you spoken to him about it?

The words you use to describe how you feel about your body are concerning.

Seems like you and her are opposite ends of the scale and the reality is that most people fall in between these extremes.

There’s a big difference between an 18 month old and 4 year old so perhaps don’t compare.

Not everyone tells you the truth. I went to a baby group with someone who said on week one ‘becoming parents has been easier than expected DD is easy’. We later became good friends and she often admits life as a mum is incredibly difficult. Some people sugar coat.

Feast or famin in this house.
Can spend a month or so a few times a week and then it will go to be once or twice a month if lucky.
No reason or rhyme.

Like the saying goes normal I partway between how much you want and how much you are getting!

I thunk every couple is different and it doesn’t actually matter how someone else’s relationship works it only ,after what is going on in yours and if you are happy with it and in terms of sex how often and the quality of it.

If not happy with sex or other areas then it’s an issue and you both need to work on it.

But if you are then who gives a shiny shit what someone else would think looking in!

To be honest though what you said below while common isn’t ok and you don’t deserve to feel like that so you need to put time into yourself to get some self respect and love back because you deserve to feel better about yourself. You need support to give you the space and time to to that too so he needs to help.

totally exhausted and moreover I've found I don't actually even like it anymore - I hate my body and the thought of it revolts me. Last time I laid there praying he'd hurry up it was awful
I love my other half it's not that I've just gone off sex with no interest to re-ignite
it!

@grey12 everyone is on their backs?? How does that work? Like a pancake stack? That sounds like quite a lot of effort to maintain balance!

We do it once a week and that is more than enough for me. 3-4 times a week fills me with horror!

I have no real interest in it anymore, i think my main issue is i'm scared of getting pregnant as we know when we want to try again and don't want it any sooner.

After being on the pill for 14 years i no longer trust it, no idea why

I have the same q @grey12! How does that work?! Sorry to ask for more details but I'm struggling to work it out. I thought you were about to mention spooning sex for laziness!

3-4 weeks sounds exhausting and not sustainable, I would also question why she feels the need to tell you. It kind of says more about her than you.

You will find your own groove that suits you both as a couple. It is not a competition. Everyone is different. My dh would run a mile from someone demanding so much sex, as would I. We have busy lives, jobs etc and don't have time or energy - or inclination all the time, but that is us and you need to be confident in your choices.

Self love is sorely missing though op, you need to be devoting some time for you - your body is beautiful, and more so for creating life - so is deserving of respect and gratitude no?

I can't imagine only having sex less than 5 times in a year and a half! I think that's really on the lower end of extreme.

We have a toddler and I'm heavily pregnant. We probably do it on average a couple of times a week because we're just both so knackered all the time.

grey12 everyone is on their backs?? How does that work? Like a pancake stack? That sounds like quite a lot of effort to maintain balance!

I'm assuming they are next to each other and her DH has a prehensile penis.

I'm the opposite, i have four DC between 10 and 2 and my sex drive is still through the roof! I actually find it a bit of a curse because I often find myself thinking about sex and I'm unable to concentrate on things 🤣 I do think its incredibly common to have loss of libido after having children though

As others have said you and her are opposite ends of the spectrum and "normal" is somewhere in the middle. Sometimes we have sex once in a week and sometimes it's 5 times in a week, depends on how tired we are, time of the month etc. But definitely at least once a week and we were back to that quite quickly after both of ours were born.

Ultimately though, it's about what is right for you and your DH, if both of you are happy then don't worry and don't compare. But the way you describe your body and how you feel about sex is worrying.