To have had enough and want to punch people who tell me to stay positive

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi. So, I'm writing because I can no longer cope. 11 years ago Dad for dementia and I lost him 5 years ago. Straight away Mum got diagnosed with kidney failure. 6 months ago she died of covid, which we suspect she caught during dialysis. Some days I miss her so much I just can't stop crying. Going to her home is a struggle. It's only now I am feeling ready to deal with probate papers and practicalities. I'm an only child. I'm in my 30s. I'm being pathetic here but I feel very alone and scared. People tell me to be strong and not to panic etc etc etc etc. But I've burnt out. I've had enough. Last night my OH, who has epilepsy and another related condition had a major seizure. Today I had to work half a day. I had to take time off previously due to waiting covid results and due to being bereaved and sad. I think my work is beginning to see me as a liability. My DH is ok thankfully, but it's a scary time. My house is a tip. I'm exhausted by 7pm every night. I feel pathetic and like I'm letting everyone down due to only being able to be a Mum and work. Sorry to rant and be self pitying but this is my only outlet.

Only being able to be a mum and work. That’s two jobs! I was going to suggest your OH could help you with the bereavement, sorting out the house etc. Do you have cousins or other extended family you could ask for help?

Sadly I don't have extended family who can help with the practical stuff because they are clinically vulnerable or have very young children but once lockdown is over I can ask some of them to help with childcare, which would be a big help.

What a time you’ve had. Grief is horrific, it can feel like you’re endlessly drowning but never quite go under. I’m so sorry for what you’re going through.

You won’t get past it and move on but my experience is that it’s possible to get used to it and find peace once more. Talking helped me, as did time and being kind to myself. As for probate, get help - a friend, a solicitor, anyone! But there’s no huge rush, you’ll get there.

Good luck OP.

You don’t need to be forced to be positive, you need an enormous cry, and a loooooong rest, plus bereavement therapy, plus supportive colleagues and friends. You’ve got a lot of healing to do and that takes time.

You’re overloaded. I hope you get some time to reflect and be compassionate to yourself. Are you eating and sleeping ok? Lots of water and vitamins, ok?

Horribly hard. Take care of yourself whenever you can.

You’ve had a barrage of awful life stuff to deal with. You’re an only child and both your parents have gone so it’s natural that you feel broken.

I don’t necessarily think you should be positive at the moment, but instead try to just get through day by day and you will come out the other side in time. Doing your job and being a mum is fantastic. It doesn’t matter that the house is messy. You can sort that out in time.

The best thing I can suggest is to try and walk in a properly green countryside environment. It’s good for your health and well-being just to see the green.

Good grief, that's a hellish set of circumstances to be coping with. I'm sorry.

You've apologised for being "self-pitying". Yet pity is another word for compassion. Extending compassion towards yourself is not a bad or shameful thing, it's a caring, helpful thing. You deserve compassion and kindness. When there's nobody else to be compassionate to you, you can and need to offer it to yourself. Not to call yourself names for being distressed by distressing events. You're not pathetic.

Feeling alone is shit and it is scary. You're allowed to feel that way. Losing your parents feels like losing your anchor in the world and being cast adrift. It's not a nice feeling.

I don't think false positivity is helpful. It pisses me off when people trot that out.

If it is helpful, there is evidence that being compassionate towards yourself can activate some of the same feelings as when another person shows you compassion. Not the same, of course, but I find it a comfort when I'm feeling low that the only person I have in my corner is myself to know that it isn't hopeless and does serve a purpose to keep trying.

Ignore that if it's not helpful to you. I do hope you will stop apologising for how much you're struggling though.

I'm so sorry you have such an awful time. Be kind to yourself, greiving is exhausting in itself without all the practicalities of sorting probate etc. Is there anyone you know who has been through a similar experience that you could talk to?

One step at a time. Please get some rest if you can and if you've not already explain the situation to work. Anyone who has list a parent will.understand the devastation and impact it has. Berevment counselling is a good call. I went with low expectations and was pleasantly surprised.

Hugs 🤗
It’s all too much really
IF you are struggling with work (and presumably don’t want to lose your job) I’d ask for some SSRI to tide you over the worst
I feel
For you , to be orphaned at 30 is young , and it’s not easy to woman up

You’re not pathetic, you’ve had too much to deal with. Nevermind the tip in the house,it doesn’t matter and might be dealt with later. Hugs to you and here if you want to talk 🤗🤗🤗

Hello all of you. Thank you so much for your kind messages. You're all lovely. I guess I'm just utterly burnt out xx

Be gentle and kid to yourself. You life has been turned upside down. You don’t need to rush or fight the pain you are feeling. You need to grieve and slow down for a while. That is healing and is not “doing nothing” at all, it’s getting your head together to enable you to move forward with strength.

Kind !!! Not kid sorry

First of all and I know it's a cliche, but be kind to yourself. You've had a bloody rough run and you will be exhausted, who wouldn't?

The house a tip, so what?

What matters is your looking after yourself so that you can keep being a mum.

Today, the one thing to do is not beat yourself up, do minimum work, max relaxation and just spend time with your DC (assuming your not working), tonight when they are in bed, just sit, watch your favourite film.

You need time to heal.

*you're not your

Oh bless you. That's a lot to be dealing with even without the shitty lockdown stuff.
Be kind to yourself. I know it sounds trite but don't be hard on yourself.

That is a lot for one person to deal with.
Cut yourself some slack and do what you have to each day, plus 1 thing on your estate settling list.
You can eat an elephant 1 bite at a time

God that’s awful op anyone would feel like that in your shoes entirely normal reaction.

Do you have a budget for cleaners? Maybe a one off massive clean then regular cleaning so you at least have a decent environment which might help. Please use money from your parents to do this and take one thing off your plate.

Sorry your having such a tough time. Try to be kind to yourself.

Can you give yourself this weekend to switch off - have a lazy day, and take stock, make a list of things you need to do. Run a bath, get a takeaway and have an early night.

I highly recommend NHS talking therapy, they maybe able to help in many ways.

Yes you’re burnt out emotionally and physically. Really don’t apologise for how you feel, put yourself first, be kind to you. I lost my dad suddenly in August this year and I know how exhausting grieving can be.

You’re certainly not pathetic and ‘only’ being a mum is a massive task let alone working too.

That's 11 years of hell. Of course you are burnt out! You have hit the pit of despair where you recognise that. It's all uphill from here. Take care 💐

What a lot of stress to have on you at once.
Like others said, maybe some of the money your parents left could go toward a clean or some childcare? Are your children young?

I'd also talk to work, have a sit down with a good manager and tell them everything. It'll help to have a bit of reassurance from them.

It's ok to be really upset still, there is bereavement counselling if you feel you could benefit.

You are not being pathetic. You are grieving in really difficult circumstances.

I don't know how your employer is doing and what their view on staff welfare is - but maybe suggest to them to put you on furlough for a couple of months. That would take the guilt of taking time off work off your shoulders to give you time to process what has happened.

With sorting out your Mum's house - maybe ask for community help. Helping someone else is a huge comfort for some people in uncertain times & they would welcome the opportunity to help you. Just look at the number of people who offered to help out neighbours.

OP I think you should go to your GP and get signed off sick for a period. You are not going to feel better until you rest and grieve properly and you can't do that by keeping going doing what you are doing. The time off work will hopefully enable you to recuperate so you can feel like you are on top of things like the probate and being a mum (which is hard enough in itself) - have you tried bereavement counselling?

You really aren't being 'pathetic' as you said in your OP. You have been under constant pressure for years and it's not surprising that you're struggling - that you've carried on for so long shows just how strong you are.

That said, it's time to get some help. Does your work have a counselling service? If so, it may be worth using it (I did something similar when I was trying to get through the last few months of my mum's dementia). If not, is there anything that you can do to make life a little bit easier - pay someone to help around the house or take some time off work? If not, can you just try to take some time for yourself at the weekend? Your parents house isn't going anywhere, it won't matter if you take more time to sort things out.

You don't need to stay positive, it sounds as though you need to let all of the emotions and worries out and talk to someone about how you feel.

Big hugs 🤗💐 and some 🍰 or 🍸
Whatever keeps you going, it sounds exhausting just even reading it

🤗💐