To have had enough and want to punch people who tell me to stay positive

[Ellaandlouisqueenandking]

Hi. So, I'm writing because I can no longer cope. 11 years ago Dad for dementia and I lost him 5 years ago. Straight away Mum got diagnosed with kidney failure. 6 months ago she died of covid, which we suspect she caught during dialysis. Some days I miss her so much I just can't stop crying. Going to her home is a struggle. It's only now I am feeling ready to deal with probate papers and practicalities. I'm an only child. I'm in my 30s. I'm being pathetic here but I feel very alone and scared. People tell me to be strong and not to panic etc etc etc etc. But I've burnt out. I've had enough. Last night my OH, who has epilepsy and another related condition had a major seizure. Today I had to work half a day. I had to take time off previously due to waiting covid results and due to being bereaved and sad. I think my work is beginning to see me as a liability. My DH is ok thankfully, but it's a scary time. My house is a tip. I'm exhausted by 7pm every night. I feel pathetic and like I'm letting everyone down due to only being able to be a Mum and work. Sorry to rant and be self pitying but this is my only outlet.

I think what you're feeling is completely normal. Losing 2 parents within a short time in the ways you did would crush most people even those who have a lot of support. It's only been 6 months as well, that is no time.

I'd say please be kind to yourself, there is no rush to get everything sorted out. Take whatever time and do whatever you need to do to make things a bit more bearable

Firstly try and ignore the house being a tip- no one will see it .
Do you think bereavement therapy might help?
But honestly you should applaud yourself for managing for so long.
No one is superwoman though - we are all human and you need to not be so hard on yourself. People mean well I suppose but have no idea how to support you.
Is work sympathetic ? Have you told them - do they offer any form of help to employees in distress you can use?
Maybe talk to your GP too. I hope you can get some downtime, your really need and deserve it. Well done though for coping for so long.

for you OP and just to echo what other people have said. You don't need to force yourself to be positive, just take each day one day at a time, and be kind to yourself. You sound like you're sad, overwhelmed and burnt out, which I think must be completely normal in those circumstances, so you don't need to feel like you should be doing this differently. About the feeling exhausted each evening - I'm not surprised. You've got so much on your plate and also this is such a strange, difficult year that not being able to see friends etc for the usual support and relief, it's draining. I'm so sorry for the loss of your parents OP, and 6 months is very recent so it must be so raw still. That kind of emotional upheaval does take its toll on you and leave you feeling physically exhausted. So again, be kind to yourself. You're working, taking care of a family, the home, you have your DH's health condition too. That's several jobs in one. You don't have to do everything perfectly at the moment. As for the probate and sorting out your late mother's home - unless there are financial reasons why you need that resolving sooner, I don't think there's any particular deadline so perhaps you could take the pressure off yourself and just leave it to deal with when you feel more up to it, and also when some other friends may be able to help. I hope you are able to get some support in real life too OP. I don't want to offer platitudes but grief takes time. It doesn't stop hurting, but it gradually gets less painful.

This is so much stuff to deal with OP, if you read a post on here from someone else saying they had lost both parents (after difficult illnesses), were dealing with all the aftermath of that and at the same time coping with an unwell OH, looking after children, taking care of their home, oh and working on top of all that you would absolutely forgive them for feeling burnt out! Give yourself the same compassion you would show someone else.

There are often services that can offer some support, sometimes your local council website can have a list of places (such as carer support perhaps? Or bereavement services, there have been a few new services set up during covid but maybe look at practical support too - if you can afford a cleaner this may be worth it, if not sometimes you can find small grants?)

Consider speaking to your GP too, you are important, at the moment you are holding everything else together. You need some support.

I don't have useful advice, but I see you. The exhaustion and fear and worry are absolutely fucking valid, especially in your situation, especially this year. Don't feel like you're doing something wrong for feeling like you do - if someone was being forced to run a marathon with two broken legs we wouldn't expect them to be fine and just carry on without real pain and difficulty. You're running a big emotional marathon right now with a lot of pressure on you: you are SUPPOSED to feel stressed. It would be abnormal if you weren't.

If you can find ways to reduce that stress, good. But PLEASE do not feel like a failure. You're facing enormous, life changing things and if you're managing to work and be a mum at the same time, you're already doing well.

You have a lot on your plate. Look after yourself. Maybe take a vitamin supplement. Try to increase your fruit and veg intake. Do things for yourself - take a walk in the countryside, have a nice bath. Dont be afraid to ask for support from friends/ your partner. Good Luck.