Received text from Ex's new girlfriend. AIBU to be thrilled that he will soon by dying of shame?

[Shameme0nce]

God, I hope she's not on here!!

EXH and I have been apart for 4 years. We were together for 12 years and we split when DD was 5. I won't go into the ins and outs of the relationship but he checked out years before the split and, while I could never prove it, I suspect he was looking around. Marriage had been rocky for a number of reasons but, ultimately, it was his decision to split.

He's always been a challenge in terms of contact and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad but very much of the camp that his responsibility ends the second his day is up and it has been a battle to get to the point where we are at now where DD sees him two nights each week.

He Threw strops about using annual leave to cover a portion of school holidays but is always first to 'claim' her for the fun stuff like birthdays, Christmas, Halloween etc. The man wants to make memories but not deal with the drudgery and inconvenience of day to day life (one of the many reasons we are not compatible now!). I don't let him away with this behaviour but have learned over the years when to pick my battles.

Anyhow, about 18 months on from our split, I met my DP. I was very slow to bring him into my life because of DD and he moved in with us very recently, after two and a half years together. His relationship with DD is lovely but he respects the fact he's not her dad so, while supportive of my battles with Ex, he largely keeps out of it.

I am really not sure of how many 'girlfriends' ex has had. To his credit, he's never introduced any of them to DD as they clearly weren't important enough.

He has, however, in the last few months been seeing a woman in her mid 20s.
DD seems to like her. I feel the introduction was a bit soon and unnecessary given everything else that is going on, but not much I can do about that and as long as she's kind to DD, I'm happy.

Alongside this burgeoning relationship has been a renewed interest in DD. It's nice, if a little suspect, but DD is thrilled so again I'm happy to facilitate. He's seeing her for a few extra days during the Christmas holidays which will be lovely for her.

Now bearing in mind I don't know this woman, haven't spoken to her, not been introduced, have no idea what she looks like... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this text I got from ex's phone....

Hi Shame,
It's X. Hope u and DD r gud. Can utell her we r lking forward to seeing her on Sunday.
(Ex) told me about Xmas plans and I now it's not really my place, but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.
I now ur busy with work but DD needs consistency and we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her. I know (ex) is happy to c her so much but I think we all shud sit down and work out a plan that works for us all. I feel like I never get to see (Ex) alone anymore and I now u can understand how important 1 on 1 time is at the start of a new relationship (haha!) . Mabe we cud sit down for a coffee on Sunday?

It's wrong on so, so many levels:

1. Sent from ex's number. Why do you have his phone? Also, there is ZERO chance of him ever saying anything like this.
2. Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3. Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
4. The mix of text speak and formal English is massively jarring. Pick one or the other. Commit, woman!
5. She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months.

The best bit of all of this is that SHE thinks the additional time with DD is being driven by me when it's actually EX showboating to highlight his amazing father credentials.

It is a glorious mess and half the joy is coming from knowing that Ex is going to be so embarrassed. I can't decide what my next move should be.

Vipers, ho!

I think someone’s going to get dumped at this rate. Spending too much time, SMH 🤦🏼‍♀️

Ha, she’ll be bricking it that you actually picked up the phone and spoke to him, nothing takes down a passive aggressive texter quite like an actual conversation

Oh my days. Screen shot it and reply -

‘😂😂😂😂😂😂😂’

Maybe she uses his phone frequently to contact others 😂
She sounds like a nightmare.

owlbe
I'm sure dad wants to fuck his gf more often on weekends, hence wants to spend less time with his dd.

Both of them want same thing. How is that not crystal clear is beyond me.

Sorry if there's confusion.
We have worked up to two nights every week over the last few years. One midweek and one weekend night. He is consistent with these but we're both flexible if we have work commitments or plans.
Just recently he's been asking for more days during holidays, but no extra to our 'normal' arrangement.
Now new GF - and potentially ex-is wanting to reduce contact. I'm not sure how yet!

@Shameme0nce

I called and it was an odd one.

He apparently didn't know anything about it so I've sent him the text.

Not sure if I believe him, to be honest. He did seem surprised when I mentioned his GF had texted from his phone but not surprised enough, if you see what I mean?

Will see what he says when/if he gets back to me. DD and I are watching a film before bed so he can jog on if he thinks I'm chatting about it until she's in bed.

If he wasn’t absolutely surprised then he knows.

His surprise was probably that you called him over it rather than fly off the handle

Maybe ex is using dd to get rid of gf? She does sound a bit of a bunny boiler...

@Newmumatlast you sound like a lovely step mum and partner, if only everyone was so level headed

I do not think he knew....
He has been asking for more time himself.
Surely he cannot be that much of an arsehole? OP you were married to him, in your heart of hearts, do you think him able to do this himself?

New gf may be lower class but she's younger, has less baggage, less petty and definitely naive. Does that make her less challenging? Probably, but in a good sense.

Low class has no good sense to it IMO.

Who needs all this petty grammatically correct smugness, that only difficult scorned people can keep going..

A good number of posters highlighted her poor grammar...nothing smug about it...it's factual and the evidence is there in black and white.

You don't need to be scorned to notice the obvious.

His GF has no business texting you about contact between your child and her dad.

That hurt my eyes to read! Delight in this all you want! No one would blame you. It sounds like even though he's shit you still do what you can to facilitate contact. Which is very grown up of you!

Another thing that absolutely kills me is when poster's day he's a good dad then go on to describe shitty behaviour. He's not a good dad if he thinks his responsibility stops at drop off and he's a Disney dad.

He knew about it.. without a doubt.. handled well shame.. what an arse he is x

Ouch. She's an idiot. I had an ex who had his daughter Friday through til Sunday night or Monday morning every week and until our relationship was established and it was appropriate to meet her I had to accept that I never saw him on those days and that later on she would always be present. I wouldn't have feckin dreamed of requesting he had his daughter less, although it would have been nice to have more weekend time. To his credit, he would have taken a very dim view if I had!

I wonder how he is going to play it now?

If my BF sent a text like this or anything regarding my child to my Ex, unless in an emergency ...he would be dumped in a heartbeat. It's manipulative and controlling.

I’d rise above it. Just reply saying “of course, no problem, if you and ex want to discuss the plans in place for Christmas then I’m happy to talk to you both about it”.

Nah, access arrangements are decided between the 2 parents. It is NOTHING to do with the girlfriend.

Who the f*ck does she think she is?!?! I would not bother responding, she is clearly unhinged and a trouble maker. It is also very clear she is young, has no children, and no desire to have your child in her life. I have been young and with an older boyfriend with kids myself, many moons ago, and I also thought I knew best. She's just an idiot. Ignore her I think - because what could you possibly say? X

I think how you've handled it is the best way. If it is true and he didn't know anything about her sending that message then their relationship is in trouble. I'd be bloody furious if I was him.

@Nottherealslimshady

I'd screenshot it and send it back to him with a "wtf is this shit?!"

I would do this.

@TheQueef

Text back.. Who dis?

As it’s from his number it feels like you can’t ignore, although that would be my first instinct. I’d probably reply something like ‘happy to discuss next time I see ex’. Keep it breezy but non-committal. Push it back in the ex to bring it up with you.

Also it seems a bit strange that she would send that message off his phone without him knowing without considering that she will be giving him his phone back and if you reply when she isn't about to pick up the message he will have found out that she text you. Don't really see her logic there.

"we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her."

Odd that the msg says "we think". Even if she sent it off her own back, it's clearly come from some discussion. Much easier for him to ask the gf to send it (or do it himself as her) than ruin the Disney Dad aura. Plus, you've never met her so little chance you'll speak to her to find out.

Sounds like he knew about it. I think that he was/they were trying to get the new girlfriend to play devils advocate so he would see his daughter less have weekend sex and could play the victim. Perhaps make you react to the cheeky mare by reducing the contact you have so carefully arranged and built up to.

You scuppered the plan by calling and being reasonable. They are clearly both a sandwich short of a picnic.

Alternatively, he really didn't know and your call has lobbed a grenade in their relationship. Shame. She should keep her nose out.

I would say he is inherently selfish and self-possessed but DD adores him. He is fun and loving (it's easy to be relaxed and fun when you only have to do it two days a week spaced apart!) and while i agree he should do more in terms of contact, i can't force it and I wouldn't want to. That's why I don't war her going to his if there's even the hint of a negative atmosphere.