Received text from Ex's new girlfriend. AIBU to be thrilled that he will soon by dying of shame?

[Shameme0nce]

God, I hope she's not on here!!

EXH and I have been apart for 4 years. We were together for 12 years and we split when DD was 5. I won't go into the ins and outs of the relationship but he checked out years before the split and, while I could never prove it, I suspect he was looking around. Marriage had been rocky for a number of reasons but, ultimately, it was his decision to split.

He's always been a challenge in terms of contact and maintenance. Don't get me wrong, he's a good dad but very much of the camp that his responsibility ends the second his day is up and it has been a battle to get to the point where we are at now where DD sees him two nights each week.

He Threw strops about using annual leave to cover a portion of school holidays but is always first to 'claim' her for the fun stuff like birthdays, Christmas, Halloween etc. The man wants to make memories but not deal with the drudgery and inconvenience of day to day life (one of the many reasons we are not compatible now!). I don't let him away with this behaviour but have learned over the years when to pick my battles.

Anyhow, about 18 months on from our split, I met my DP. I was very slow to bring him into my life because of DD and he moved in with us very recently, after two and a half years together. His relationship with DD is lovely but he respects the fact he's not her dad so, while supportive of my battles with Ex, he largely keeps out of it.

I am really not sure of how many 'girlfriends' ex has had. To his credit, he's never introduced any of them to DD as they clearly weren't important enough.

He has, however, in the last few months been seeing a woman in her mid 20s.
DD seems to like her. I feel the introduction was a bit soon and unnecessary given everything else that is going on, but not much I can do about that and as long as she's kind to DD, I'm happy.

Alongside this burgeoning relationship has been a renewed interest in DD. It's nice, if a little suspect, but DD is thrilled so again I'm happy to facilitate. He's seeing her for a few extra days during the Christmas holidays which will be lovely for her.

Now bearing in mind I don't know this woman, haven't spoken to her, not been introduced, have no idea what she looks like... I'm not sure how I'm supposed to respond to this text I got from ex's phone....

Hi Shame,
It's X. Hope u and DD r gud. Can utell her we r lking forward to seeing her on Sunday.
(Ex) told me about Xmas plans and I now it's not really my place, but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.
I now ur busy with work but DD needs consistency and we think the going backwards n forwards so much during the week is 2 much 4 her. I know (ex) is happy to c her so much but I think we all shud sit down and work out a plan that works for us all. I feel like I never get to see (Ex) alone anymore and I now u can understand how important 1 on 1 time is at the start of a new relationship (haha!) . Mabe we cud sit down for a coffee on Sunday?

It's wrong on so, so many levels:

1. Sent from ex's number. Why do you have his phone? Also, there is ZERO chance of him ever saying anything like this.
2. Is 5 nights a week not enough one to one time? They both WFH at moment too.
3. Wtf does she mean by the haha? .
4. The mix of text speak and formal English is massively jarring. Pick one or the other. Commit, woman!
5. She wants more time to'get to know him'? She's met our child and has moved in, presumably in the space of a few months.

The best bit of all of this is that SHE thinks the additional time with DD is being driven by me when it's actually EX showboating to highlight his amazing father credentials.

It is a glorious mess and half the joy is coming from knowing that Ex is going to be so embarrassed. I can't decide what my next move should be.

Vipers, ho!

I called and it was an odd one.

He apparently didn't know anything about it so I've sent him the text.

Not sure if I believe him, to be honest. He did seem surprised when I mentioned his GF had texted from his phone but not surprised enough, if you see what I mean?

Will see what he says when/if he gets back to me. DD and I are watching a film before bed so he can jog on if he thinks I'm chatting about it until she's in bed.

Screen shot message just in case.

Phone Ex and say you don’t want to discuss contact with his new partner and she’ll not be involved in it. Put him on the spot and find out wtf is going on.

This would really get my back up. Tell him if he can’t prevent his new GF texting you then he’ll have to phone only.

What an awful gf

Omg I would fly off the handle at that text. Don't phone him, get around to his house and speak to them both face to face. How dare she!!

hmm, so he may have known that she sent the text.

I read your articulate, well-written OP and thought “wow, has he traded down, or what?”

How are you’re stopping yourself from saying something like “she has a lovely turn of phrase doesn’t she”?

I have my fingers crossed for your DD and you!
Which kind of person would do this?

Maybe she has been complaining of them having your dd a lot and he said he would discuss it with you to shut her up. She has taken matters into her own hands and he didn't expect her to...

Oh God
It was painful to read both OP's post and the text.

OP sounds very bitter and somehow suggesting she's better than new gf. New gf may be lower class but she's younger, has less baggage, less petty and definitely naive. Does that make her less challenging? Probably, but in a good sense.
Who needs all this petty grammatically correct smugness, that only difficult scorned people can keep going..

Back to the real situation. Think XH allowed her to text and very much aware. He isn't a great dad and wants to spend his weekends loved up with new gf, uninterrupted by a child.

Is there real solution to this situation, where other parent prioritising his relationship over relationship with a child? Not really, it's up to him to try his absolute best.

@Newmumatlast completely agree with that text and also your reply to me! Me and my ex just cannot see eye to eye, ever! I once met one of his girlfriends who was a wonderful neutral between us both but as you say it has to be wanted/warranted which is rarely the case. My DH would never say I could have my DD less or that her dad should have her less it’s just not his place.

Not sure if I believe him, to be honest. He did seem surprised when I mentioned his GF had texted from his phone but not surprised enough, if you see what I mean?

He wanted you to go mad at her so that the "crazy ex" would bind her to him. He sounds utterly shite. Well done on being shot of him. Stand well clear of him and his drama, just don't allow yourself to be drawn in at all. Grey rock.

Ignore it completely. They won’t know where to put themselves, it’ll be hilarious.

Wow, if he really didn't know about this then I really hope he has the integrity to dump the new gf and put his daughter first

I find it odd that she has got into his phone. Most people have it locked down. I have biometrics and a pin as does DH but l wouldn't know what his pin is.

Perhaps she does know and looks at his phone often. So she has potentially sent the text without his knowledge then deleted it?

This would be better than Eastenders if it wasn't someone's real life. Utterly bizarre behaviour.

I also take the 'Haha'to mean l want to shag 24/7 and DD is cramping my style. Fucking airhead.

This is definitely the worst: but I'm concernd about how much time DD is spending at our house.

OUR house?? Bloody cheek. Does your ex think it's hers as well?

I hope he reads her the riot act when he finds out

or perhaps it was ex himself, pretending

So does he only usually have her 2 nights a week? And he was supposed to have her extra over Christmas? And the girlfriend doesn't like this?

My reply would be ‘yeah...no’
And that’s it.

Oh, it's good you called him 👍

[quote Bleughbleughbleugh12]@Newmumatlast completely agree with that text and also your reply to me! Me and my ex just cannot see eye to eye, ever! I once met one of his girlfriends who was a wonderful neutral between us both but as you say it has to be wanted/warranted which is rarely the case. My DH would never say I could have my DD less or that her dad should have her less it’s just not his place.[/quote]
Exactly. I'm a really hands on stepmum but it is wanted and encouraged by all parties. I'm an organiser naturally! I have, if I might say so, done a lot to make things better for both parents. I always think about what I would want a step parent of my child to do. I'm not the mum in the scenario. There is already a mum. I am a supportive guardian. I take my role seriously - I have time and time again done things to my own detriment for the benefit of my stepchild and spent my own money and a hell of a lot of my time investing in her. If I wasnt prepared to do that, I shouldn't have been involved with my partner. However, I now have a fantastic husband and father for my own child in my DH. Had he been willing to let me force him to put me first over his child it would've sent me running because you can bet anything I would be mad if he split with me and started putting out DD second. I've lectured many a step parent friend about double standards. You're either in it to support the child and parents or you aren't in which case you should leave well alone. Put yourself in the child's shoes and imagine how you would have felt if you were your own step parent. Would you like you? Thats how I feel anyway.

Dear god! Are you sure the cat didn't get hold of his phone and text that? It's madness!

Maybe he didnt know she was sending it, but saw it after it had gone. I mean, texts are pretty obvious unless you delete them straight away.

@Teensandfuture ‘less petty’?? Did you read the part where she wants this child to see her dad less so they can fuck more?

Tell her to butt the hell out- your DD gets good contact time with her DF, end of story. Then say you don’t wish to hear from her again, she is not part of your arrangements, and all communication in future needs to go via your ex-DP.

Do not allow your DP to wriggle out of his commitments to your DD because of this horrible woman’s pressure. Ignorant cow!

All power to you, OP!