Second baby - is it ever 'right'?

[yellowmelon]

My baby is 9 months old and I adore being a mum. I know I am so very, very lucky. I had to go back to work when my baby was 6 months (pt) for a number of reasons - mostly covid related. Ideally we would like them to have a sibling. I am due to be made redundant next August. Basically, if I get pregnant soon I would be able to have full mat pay even though the due date would come after the employment ends. I essentially have 3 months to see if I get pregnant (Dec, Jan, Feb), during which I would qualify for full mat pay. I work in a competitive industry and there's no guarantee that I will find another comparable job next August.

While the maternity package is a big draw and we know we would like another baby at some point, there are a number of things that make me hesistant to try for a baby so soon. I do feel like my baby has missed out on so much because of covid - relationships with grandparents haven't really been able to be established. This will obviously be their first Christmas and it looks like we will be just the three of us. I worry I would feel guilty... like, do they not deserve to be the centre of our world for a little while longer? I suppose I'm also worried about wellbeing - I know you 'should' wait to 12 months, though I am taking postnatal vitamins.

Is there ever a right time? Should I make this decision based on finances (mat pay!) or should I just put it to one side and focus on my 9 month old?

Crack on

In your situation I'd just go for it.

I would go for it in your position. There is never a ‘right’ time. See what happens in those 3 months then re-evaluate at that stage. My first two are close together and I found that far easier than when my 3rd arrived with a 3yr age gap.

Will you not need another job to afford two children? If you're both in agreement and you had a decent birth first time round 9 months isn't the worst amount of time to wait. It'll be incredibly difficult but doable. Do you have a good support network?

Because of redundancy

I have a 13 year gap between my 1st and 2nd and still felt guilty! I don't think that ever goes until the baby is here and you realise your love can be shared.

I then had my 3rd 18mths after 2nd so have a just turned 1 yr old, 2.5 year old and 15 year old.

If I had the same circumstances as yourself I would try for another now.

It's so nice to have had positive comments - I was worried I would be flamed for being selfish!

@lelophants - I've saved up a fair bit over the last couple of years as I know how unreliable my employment situation is. I could put off a second for some time if I'm waiting for a 'job for life' if that makes sense. My dh has steady employment - not 'megabucks', but certainly enough that we wouldn't be on the breadline.

@kelly14 - that's good to know. It seems that 'mum guilt' is a very real thing. I've been a bit overwhelmed with how much I love my little boy. So while I would love to do it all over again, it's hard to imagine that a second baby could compete!

It's good to know you would consider a 12 month gap. I do worry that 10/11/12 months is not a huge amount and may be insanely stressful. I'm sure it would be hard work.. but I guess it always would be!

100% go ahead and have 2nd baby!!! Good luck!

Of course.. the elephant in the room is the ongoing pandemic

Did you have a C-Section OP? I think they ask you to be more careful to have a longer gap if so.

If not, then it sounds sensible to crack on

Go for it!

I did, got pregnant when DC1 was 7 months so there's a 16 month gap.

I had similar worries about DC1 not having me to himself for long, but that was outweighed by the benefits of him having a brother close in age. They've grown up to be really close.

I felt guilty about taking another maternity leave too, but I was entitled to it so work just had to suck it up.

@pinkplantcase Good point - no c-section, natural birth with forceps. The main issue I had was stomach separation

Go for it. Best of luck OP.

Everyone’s right time is different- my right time was when my eldest was older and more independent and I wouldn’t be liable for two sets of nursery fees

This is so interesting OP! I have a 9mo and have started thinking about when to have a second one. I’m also considering changing jobs which might affect mat pay/leave etc.
DD has just started sleeping better and thinking about the sleepless night again is filling me with dread. I have always thought I want 2 babies but like you I feel like DD should take priory for a while longer haha. But if I leave it too long I think I won’t do it again...
good luck with whatever you decide! The hard work will be worth it in the end

Presumably you just mean you would get SMP, as it seems unlikely they would offer an enhanced package to someone who was leaving?
You would likely still get maternity allowance even if you got pregnant "too late" which is basically the same apart from the difference between SMP and 90% of full salary for the first 6 weeks - depending on what you earn, not likely to be a huge sum.
I would go for it but don't panic if it doesn't work in the first 3 months!

We started to try again after around 9 months. I also felt really guilty and sad about it - but also wanted two close together. It ended up taking 4 months to conceive by which time DD seemed like less of a little baby. This helped with the guilt!

@snacksizeraisin no, I would qualify for the enhanced package as I would be made redundant during what would be mat leave.

@buffalomozzarella that's helpful - it's crazy how fast he seems to be growing out of being a baby!

There's pros and cons to every decision but you would have absolutely nothing to feel guilt about.

I'm generally in the 'only if you're sure you can afford it' camp.
However, after my DD was born, we waited about 3 yrs before trying for a second, so we wouldn't be paying for two lots of childcare at once. I found it quite difficult to get pregnant a second time, which surprised me as I got pregnant with DD first month of trying. I've had 2 miscarriages now and can't seem to get pregnant again. It's likely DD will be an only child as I am now probably too old. I took my fertility for granted.

I'd say if you're sure you want more than one child, go for it sooner rather than later in case there are issues.

I was going to say what SnackSizeRaisin said, but if you get enhanced maternity pay and not just SMP, it's worth getting it if you can. I wouldn't make the decision based solely on finances, though. How do you feel about a smallish age gap? Do you want to get it out of the way, as it were, and be done with the baby stage sooner? Or space it out more and have more one-to-one time with each child? It's a very personal decision.

Before having children, I thought a 2 year age gap would be great, but after DC1 i changed my mind! We were nowhere near ready to TTC again when he was 15 months old. We ended up with a 3.5 year age gap which is working out well so far. I think 3 years or more is great because you get funded childcare so it's more affordable to keep sending the oldest to preschool while on maternity leave.

I would totally do it. We (accidently) had no2 when no1 was 13mths old. At the time it was madness but a few years later and its just perfect!

Go for it!