Second baby - is it ever 'right'?

[yellowmelon]

My baby is 9 months old and I adore being a mum. I know I am so very, very lucky. I had to go back to work when my baby was 6 months (pt) for a number of reasons - mostly covid related. Ideally we would like them to have a sibling. I am due to be made redundant next August. Basically, if I get pregnant soon I would be able to have full mat pay even though the due date would come after the employment ends. I essentially have 3 months to see if I get pregnant (Dec, Jan, Feb), during which I would qualify for full mat pay. I work in a competitive industry and there's no guarantee that I will find another comparable job next August.

While the maternity package is a big draw and we know we would like another baby at some point, there are a number of things that make me hesistant to try for a baby so soon. I do feel like my baby has missed out on so much because of covid - relationships with grandparents haven't really been able to be established. This will obviously be their first Christmas and it looks like we will be just the three of us. I worry I would feel guilty... like, do they not deserve to be the centre of our world for a little while longer? I suppose I'm also worried about wellbeing - I know you 'should' wait to 12 months, though I am taking postnatal vitamins.

Is there ever a right time? Should I make this decision based on finances (mat pay!) or should I just put it to one side and focus on my 9 month old?

Look at it this way - when does any DC2 ever get to be the centre of their parents universe? Does it matter having to share the spotlight?

I think I would go for it in those circumstances.

My two are 19 months apart, and it was hard work for a couple of years, but as they got older they were able to amuse each other and it probably actually made life easier than having a bigger gap. I also gave up my job (voluntarily) when DC1 was nearly 1 and was a SAHM for a few years, and although we didn't have pots of money for luxuries, we got by.

Depends what age gap you want. Under 2 years is tough until they get to school age. I found 3 year gap much easier going.

I have never wanted another, but DS is just 2 and now that he is sleeping 12 hours a night, can walk places rather than being hefted about in a travel system and isn't breastfeeding for 30 minutes every 2 hours I want another even less. Do it now!

@youseethethingis oooooh - good point! I'm a second child and I've never thought about this!

Employment issues aside, how do you feel about the gap? I fell pregnant with dc2 when dc 1 was aged 1 (conceived accidentally on their birthday ). I initially thought the gap would be too small but it's been fine.

@flynow I have a smallish age gap with my sister (22 months) and it was always a good thing from my perspective. It would have been nice to have the possibly of more one on one time with a new baby, but to wait until dc1 is in school could then cause potential fertility issues. And, of course, no guarantee of a stable job.

My baby is 9 months and we are pregnant with number two, I say go for it if you will manage financially. We didn’t want a big gap as such and also expected a bit of time waiting to get pregnant which happily wasn’t very long, I also had a forceps birth so a bit anxious about the next one but they did say after the last one even if not always the case, it’s often the case that the next birth will be different! I too feel a bit guilty about taking another maternity, but we are entitled to and I wasn’t happy to wait purely because my job wouldn’t be happy! For me if I waited I would be older and at more risk of complications (my first was a rough pregnancy) I was told however it was fine to go ahead before the 12 months after getting some bloods done ect to check overall general health. You just have to do what’s right for your family!

@yummymummy2020 - a huge congratulations! That's such lovely news, I'm glad it happened quickly for you. Can I ask how you feel about the whole covid situation? Have you been able to see much of family?

I got pregnant with no2 at nine months pp.
It's the best decision we could have made, and I say that as someone currently in the thick of it, with a 22 month ds and a three month dd.
I will say though, my husband is extremely hands on, as well as working full time. I couldn't do it alone.

Oh, and it address your other concerns:

1. Birth was fine and I am healthy
2. Our son doesn't remember his sister not being here. He absolutely adores her and is always snuggling her. He still gets plenty of attention from everyone so doesn't feel shoved out

Have the second baby.
Be a SAHP until the second is in pre-school.
So yes you aren't earning, but you aren't paying nursery fees out either.

Thank you! Sorry for the delayed response! We haven’t seen much of family recently at all unfortunately, I’m considered high risk(health conditions and pregnancy on top ) and so is my mum so we have seen each other but not extended family much at all, which is a bit crap but it would be worse to take the risk at the moment as a lot of family are not really being careful(their business not mine!)!it is a shame but honestly for our little family it’s been the right decision in that we were advised to keep our social circle very very small and now with lock down it’s even smaller! I’m glad our baby will not remember it all and it makes me feel less bad!

it's hard to imagine that a second baby could compete!

Oh trust me, they’ll compete

I got pregnant when my first was 13 months, so not a huge age difference if you get pregnant in December. All I can say is 2 has been significantly harder than 1, sometimes i question my motives!

That being said, I obviously do not regret it & a lot of my friends are just having number 2 now whilst mine is nearing 2 & getting easier. So what’s the difference really 🤷🏼‍♀️

It wouldn’t be the worse decision in the world IMO, but 3 months isn’t long to conceive so try not to get your hopes up..

Go for it! As pp have said, there’s never a “perfect” time, and your financial situation is a very valid factor. Also, who knows what the future holds as regards restrictions etc. You could put it off and then something else happens / this ‘new normal’ is the erm...new normal anyway (although I reaaally hope not!). If you’re thriving as a mum and loving it then don’t doubt yourself - go for it! Best of luck

Thanks all for such helpful messages - there's lots of food for thought here and I really appreciate it. @SheilaWilcox - fair point re. conceiving quickly. I got pregnant suuuper fast with my first (lucky!) so I think that's perhaps giving me a bit of false hope there...

@Yummymummy2020 - I'm sorry to hear you've been so impacted, but I'm glad you've been able to see your mum! It sounds like you're being very sensible. I also have family that haven't been terribly careful and it makes me think quite differently about them..

@Loobyloo71 - I flipping hope the 'new normal' doesn't become 'normal'... but good point, nonetheless!

I spent so long when pregnant with my first worrying about becoming a mum and what that might mean, that I totally overlooked the fact I might love it. It's been a lovely surprise! When reading threads on here about people who secretly regret having children etc, I had a sense of dread and thought that that could be me - so it's a relief that that is not the case at all!

In your situation i would go for it op.

We are trying for our second and have an 11 month old. I got made redundant in April while on maternity pay. I just started a 16hr a week part time job at the local shop so I cover groceries and would be entitled to smp. I wasn't going to work but it makes things easier financially and also I was getting serious cabin fever.

You will make it work, who knows when the pandemic will be over anyway.

I think there is definitely a right time. Just speaking from my own personal experience (there's a 5 year gap, planned, between my two), with only a 9 month old and facing redundancy next year, and given that you had a shortened mat leave with your first, I would give it some time. Get yourself in a more financially secure position, plan to enjoy some time off with your then toddler when you hit redundancy, and then think about baby #2. I think when you're ready, you know, and if you are questioning it, you probably aren't ready.

Beyond that, I think the toddler years are really lovely. They become real little people and are able to explore and talk to you about the world. It's a really nice time to be one on one with them. Unless fertility is an issue, I would make the most of it, especially if you will have some forced time off work next year, and enjoy it without adding the stresses of a new baby.