To be upset with DH for encouraging this friendship?

[KestrelFlying]

If you recognise some of the details, it's because I have posted before. Basically a 'friend' of both DH and mine, had asked for numerous favours from me, including childcare, days out, etc. I wanted to help her out and so went above and beyond all throughout the previous lockdown and beyond.

She now acts like I don't exist, and even if I see her in the playground won't even bother saying hi. Nothing happened - I don't know why. Even though I was upset at the time, DH and I decided to just ignore it and move on.

However, deep down I blame DH for encouraging the friendship with this person. All along, I kept saying that my gut instinct felt something was wrong. This person never reciprocated anything, never did anything that a friend would do, never messaged unless they wanted something.

I know that DH can be a bit enthusiastic on friendships as he doesn't have many friends and that he had good intentions, but deep down I feel angry. Angry that i kept telling him i didn't want to get involved with this person.

We haven't spoken to the person since all this, but I feel like in a few weeks when they come crawling back being nice, DH will try and downplay everything and act like nothing happened. If this happens, I think I am going to lose it.

I know in my head, I am done with it all but just don't know how to set the boundary, so this person cannot reappear in our lives again when it suits them.

I think yabu. It sounds like you're blaming DH by default even though you're an adult who can make her own choices.

You didn't HAVE to make friends with her no matter how much he encouraged it. This can happen..some people are just arses. You say you don't know how to set the boundary....I'll tell you.

Delete her number and if she calls, don't pick up.

Simple as that.

@FortunesFave I meant more if DH decides that he's going to ignore how she's behaved and starts speaking to her again.

You went above and beyond for this woman, but it’s your DH’s fault?

I suppose, I don't mean it's DH's fault. I'm just angry that he encouraged the friendship, she turned out to be an awful person, and now I'm worried he's going to want us all to be friends again

Why do you think he'll want you all to be friends again?

My DH is friends with a man I really don't like....it doesn't mean I have to socialise with him. Do you think this woman has ulterior motives? Like...she fancies your husband or something?

Because he's too nice!!! She will come back in a few weeks acting like nothing's happened and he will be taken in by it all.

If your husband wants you all to be friends again, you say that won't be happening. Pretty simple, really.

That's what I'm thinking of saying. All this time and effort wasted. I have never been made to feel like that. Never again.

Why on earth would you be angry with him for encouraging a friendship? You’re an adult and this sounds like a classroom problem where two children’s mums make them be friends. I don’t mean to be unkind, but this is AIBU so it’s a blunt honest answer. Genuinely don’t get why you felt under pressure from him to make a friend!

It’s all about boundaries honey ! And you’ve learnt a valuable lesson

(1) listen to your instincts
(2) be more assertive with your DH , around your feelings and your instincts . Don’t let his murky boundaries become yours

Onwards

yes yabu

if you didn't want to help this woman, you shouldn't have. if you did want to, that was your choice. it doesn't sound like youre in an abusive marriage and thus forced to be her friend by DH so you have to take responsibility for your own choices.

RE "but he wanted us to be friends and then it turned out she wasn't nice" how is that his fault??

What you're doing is seeing problems and getting annoyed about them before they arrive OP.

Very unhealthy.

Talk to DH and explain about your worries. Let him know that you will NOT be friends with her ever again and so he needs to respect that by not encouraging it if she does come back.

I wouldn't assume she'll come crawling back, unless there's a history of this, but if you want to be sure, talk to your husband about it now. Make it clear that you feel used and aren't interested in having anything more to do with the woman.

As for blaming him for encouraging the friendship... That ship has sailed. You know that friendships are a vulnerable area for him, so it's not surprising that he wanted to encourage this one, though if you voiced your concerns and he still pushed, I can see why you feel annoyed. Still, in the end you decided to go along with it. That was unfortunate, but now you know better and won't let her take advantage again.

So you were the one with misgivings, but had to help her with childcare etc, while your husband thought she was fine but didn't actually help her? I'd tell him in no uncertain terms that she wasn't a friend of mine.

If she does come back and pretend that nothing has happened, explain to your husband that your ‘friendship’ with her has no positive value to it. Friendship is about mutual appreciation, enjoyment of each other’s company and give and take. If the other person is just take, take, take, then it’s not a friendship, they are just using you when it’s convenient for them.
Don’t beat yourself up about getting in this situation or get angry with your husband. I think everyone probably ends up in a situation like this once in their life and realises they have to approach their relationships differently. I ended up getting really annoyed that I was always cooking for friends and never being invited back so I now only invite people round (before lockdown obvs) if I know they are going to reciprocate. Everyone else, I arrange to meet in a cafe and split the bill.

Since it was you who did her all the favours and you she now ignores at school of course your DH does that think it’s a problem.
If he wants to be friends with her HE can do her bidding

Did you ever notice them flirting with each other at all? Maybe that’s why he was trying to encourage your friendship with her, I hope not but something doesn’t add up.

If/when she starts talking to you again have a few stock phrases ready yes we really must catch up at some point bye! Ummm no sorry couldn't possibly babysit/help out on that day totally busy if dh tries saying your not busy just say well I'm busy that day take yourself out of the equation totally

Instead of worrying about it I would raise it with your DH explaining that you are very upset and don't want to invest further. If he says he still wants to be her friend leave him to it.

Any chance she read more into it when your DH was keen to be friends with her and now she feels embarrassed around you, which is why she is behaving how she is?

Sounds like you’re displacing your anger into DH. What has he done wrong apart from be friendly and optimistic?

Be angry at the fake friend who screwed you over, not DH.

Sounds like you’re angry at him for something he hasn’t actually done yet (i.e. re-friending her?)

Your Husband wanted the friendship.... read that again ... and again then ask yourself why 🌺

@KestrelFlying

Because he's too nice!!! She will come back in a few weeks acting like nothing's happened and he will be taken in by it all.

Well wait for that to happen and take it from there. No point stressing about something that hasn’t even happened yet. You’re mad at him for something he hasn’t done and may never do!