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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not want to go to the funeral

35 replies

FuckPolitenessSSDGM · 04/11/2020 13:37

My grandfather has just died. I'm not close to him. I haven't seen him for 10 years. My father (my grandfather's son) died when I was a young child and my father's side of the family have had little to do with us since then. I don't see my aunty's and uncles, I don't see my cousin's. I generally find it stressful and unpleasant to see this side of my family as I feel as though we (myself and my siblings) are treated as pariahs. My Grandfather has written us out of his will, in doing so refusing to acknowledge my father ever even existed, they had a difficult relationship. The funeral is next week and myself and my siblings have been given spaces to attend if we wish. My siblings will probably go as will my Mum. Before he died I knew I would not go to the funeral but now it's crunch time I am unsure whether I should just suck it up and go for my mum and siblings sake.

YABU = go to the funeral
YANBU = don't go if you don't want to.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 04/11/2020 13:38

Don't go if you don't want to

Sparklesocks · 04/11/2020 13:39

You don’t have to go if you don’t want to.
Are your family likely to be upset about you not going?

Stargazer2404 · 04/11/2020 14:37

No, YANBU. I wouldnt go if i were you and felt like that

Original poster
FuckPolitenessSSDGM · 04/11/2020 14:42

@Sparklesocks my siblings and Mum think I should go. They don't seem to understand why I don't want to go. They just keep telling that he was my Granddad so I should just go. I don't know if the rest of my family will be upset as I don't know them well enough to comment. I'm very much aware that only 25 people are allowed at the funeral so I do feel that I would be taking the place of someone who might actually want to go, and the thought of seeing that side of my family fills me with dread.

OP posts:
tobedtoMNandfart · 04/11/2020 14:46

YANBU

As far as I can see the only reasons for going would fall under the subheadings
Fear
Obligation
Guilt

This is evidence of a dysfunctional family.

Good reasons not to go :

EVERYTHING you said in your OP
Limited numbers allowed
Safety concerns (COVID)

Be kind to yourself & ask your family to respect your feelings on this subject.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 04/11/2020 14:46

You don’t need to go - you don’t owe him anything. There’s nothing to gain from putting yourself through an uncomfortable situation.

If your father had been alive and he wanted you to go, that would be different - I would have said you should go for your father.

The only reason for going would be for appearances, but it sounds like you’re not bothered about how the other side of the family view you, so I think that’s fine.

BrumBoo · 04/11/2020 14:50

Yanbu. Funerals are for the living, if it doesn't bring you any sort of closure, if you have no want or need to 'say goodbye', then you do not have to go out of obligation. Especially in Covid times, it's a space that could possibly go elsewhere and less of a risk for yourself.

EggyPegg · 04/11/2020 14:52

My paternal grandfather died last year. I hadn't seen or spoken to him in about 15 years. Like you, he just pretended that we didn't exist. He was a bit like that even when we were in loose contact too tbh.
I didn't go. My cousin (who I do get in well with) told me when the funeral was (he was close to our Grandad, being the favoured grandchild) but understood when I said no thank you.
To me, it would have felt false to go. My grandfather was deeply unpleasant to me when he was alive, in a passive way. He wanted nothing to do with me or my sibling. To go and being amongst mourners when I wasn't actually mourning didn't sit right with me.

Don't go out of obligation. You don't owe him or that side of your family anything.

altiara · 04/11/2020 14:55

YANBU. Why do you want to go and say goodbye / celebrate someone’s life that wrote you out of their own. Well you don’t, so as your username says fuck politeness.

Aquamarine1029 · 04/11/2020 14:55

My siblings and Mum think I should go.

Good for them, they can think anything they want to, but it doesn't mean it's going to happen

They don't seem to understand why I don't want to go.

It is not necessary for them to understand anything. This is not a committe decision, and their opinion on the matter is irrelevant.

Stand up for yourself, op. I definitely would not be going to this funeral.

growinggreyer · 04/11/2020 15:15

Don't go, you don't need to spend time with possible covid carriers if you don't have to. It's not worth risking a fortnight's self isolation. (Speaking as someone on day 1, and already very bored!)

blissfulllife · 04/11/2020 15:29

I didn't attend my maternal grandfathers funeral. I hadn't seen him for many many years. My grandparents had a difficult relationship with my mother as she had addiction problems. Me and my siblings were treated like embarrassments and rarely seen them as children. Other cousins were treated to holidays, gifts etc while we received nothing.

Anyway I didn't go, I was invited but I didn't want to be fake. I didn't mourn him because I hardly knew him. I also didn't see why I should sit and listen to what a great man he was when he'd left us grandkids to fend for ourselves.

Wouldn't even have a clue of my grandmothers still alive tbh.

I put my own feelings and needs first and you shouldn't feel guilty or bad about that x

nosswith · 04/11/2020 15:44

Don't go, you don't want to and someone else who had a relationship with your grandfather can go instead.

Woui · 04/11/2020 16:01

I didn't go to my nans funeral just because I don't like funerals and wasn't particularly close to her.

Brainwave89 · 04/11/2020 16:11

First of all I hope you are okay on what will be a stressful time Flowers. I had a similar issue with my grandfather. A horrible man who beat his wife, appeared to hate his children and grandchildren and had very little to do with us in later life. When people die, there is a tendency to not speak ill of the dead but my strong view is that death should not make a difference. If you are B when you are alive then you are B when you are dead. I thought about it, did not go and have absolutely no regrets. I rarely think about him and the only link is biological.

Lardlizard · 04/11/2020 16:13

Sounds like your gut instinct is saying loudly don’t go
Listen to it

HaveeeeYouMetTed · 04/11/2020 16:20

I don't think you should ever do anything you don't want to do or aren't comfortable with doing.
Your mum will have support from your sister / others, so don't let guilt force you to go either.
I cut contact with my dad's side of the family after he passed away too. It was tense & dysfunctional before that though. I moved a few years ago after having my first child & regained a small amount of contact with my dad's mum. I've always said I wouldn't go to her funeral, I still don't think I would. Perhaps like you I'll be torn when the time comes, but I genuinely feel that I still wouldn't go.

Excitedforxmas · 04/11/2020 16:21

You owe him nothing. Stay at home

Cheeseandwin5 · 04/11/2020 16:36

There are many points here.
Whilst its certainly true you owe him anything, what about your Mum and siblings , and maybe your departed father.
Do you owe them anything, would you being there help them.

If it was just your Grandfather, I would agree with those saying you don't have to do, but it isn't. Not fancying going is not a good enough reason- Sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to for our loved ones ( your mum and siblings).

If you really dont want to go, than fine dont go - but expect repercussions from your siblings who will all feel the same way as you, but went anyway to support their mother and honour their Father.

1forAll74 · 04/11/2020 16:43

You don't wish to go to this funeral, so don't go, you don't have to please others, as you have your own views, and your Grandfather won't be objecting!

WingingItSince1973 · 04/11/2020 16:48

I wouldnt go. Friends mean more to me than relatives who haven't been in contact for years. Dont worry about it. But also don't let that side of the family actions rob you of peace of mind. We can't choose our family. My 'real' dad hasn't seen me for years just at funerals. He says he will keep in touch but never does, even though he's 12 miles away. I got fed up of doing all the running so just let the relationship slide and built up my relationships with those that actually care xxx

WingingItSince1973 · 04/11/2020 16:50

I meant biological not 'real' been one of those days x

Winniewonka · 04/11/2020 16:59

Ask your Mum why does she want to attend the funeral of someone who had severed ties with her partner? Why does she and your siblings need to be there if the rest of his family treated all of you as pariahs? Did your Mum have a good relationship with her MIL?

ShinyRuby · 04/11/2020 17:02

I wouldn't go.
The fact there are spaces for you, your mum & siblings says a lot about how many people actually want to attend.
It isn't your obligation to fill spaces & please others.

NoSquirrels · 04/11/2020 17:06

It’s a perfectly valid choice not to go. M
Your mum and siblings have chosen to go. You can choose not to.
It sounds like it would be stressful for you and of no real benefit or comfort to anyone else.
Politely decline and send a well wishes card instead.