AIBU to not want to go to the funeral

[FuckPolitenessSSDGM]

My grandfather has just died. I'm not close to him. I haven't seen him for 10 years. My father (my grandfather's son) died when I was a young child and my father's side of the family have had little to do with us since then. I don't see my aunty's and uncles, I don't see my cousin's. I generally find it stressful and unpleasant to see this side of my family as I feel as though we (myself and my siblings) are treated as pariahs. My Grandfather has written us out of his will, in doing so refusing to acknowledge my father ever even existed, they had a difficult relationship. The funeral is next week and myself and my siblings have been given spaces to attend if we wish. My siblings will probably go as will my Mum. Before he died I knew I would not go to the funeral but now it's crunch time I am unsure whether I should just suck it up and go for my mum and siblings sake.

YABU = go to the funeral
YANBU = don't go if you don't want to.

How would it be for your mum & sibling's sake?

Will they be embarrassed that you're not there?

Tbh though I'm hard pressed to understand why they're going.

No, you do not need to go. Why is your mum going? If someone was that cruel to my DC I would never, ever attend their funeral. If your mum and siblings want to go that is fine for them - you do not want to go, and by his actions the man did not care for you so why on earth would you go?

@Cheeseandwin5

There are many points here. Whilst its certainly true you owe him anything, what about your Mum and siblings , and maybe your departed father. Do you owe them anything, would you being there help them.

If it was just your Grandfather, I would agree with those saying you don't have to do, but it isn't. Not fancying going is not a good enough reason- Sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to for our loved ones ( your mum and siblings).

If you really dont want to go, than fine dont go - but expect repercussions from your siblings who will all feel the same way as you, but went anyway to support their mother and honour their Father.

Really? Do you feel better now?

There is only one point - the man was vile to his grandchildren, why on earth should she go to his funeral?

I think my mum and siblings are going to represent my dad and because they feel they should. My paternal Grandmother died years ago and is buried in the same grave as my father at her request. Before he died, my grandfather asked my mum if he could go in the grave with my geandmother and my father. My mother has agreed for her own reasons, but you can only have three people in a grave so now she cannot go in with my father if she wanted to. He asked this of my mother during the same conversation where he told her he would not be including her children in his will.

I really appreciate your comments. I'm not going to go. I would definitely feel worse going than not going and I don't want to take the place of someone who may really want to go.

My maternal grandfather went in the same grave as his father and two of his sons, but he was cremated first, so just his ashes were buried. So this could be an option for your mum.

You sound more at peace with your choice to not go now. I'm firmly if the belief that of its causing you distress to inagine doing it, then it's not the right thing to do. When my FIL died, my MIL invited me to the funeral home to view him. I battled internally for a few days because I appreciated the offer, and it felt like I SHOULD go. And then I realised that this internal battle was me trying to talk myself into something that I really didn't want to do, and that I was under no obligation to do it if it wasn't right for me. Often our first reaction is the right one for us.

You know you don't want to go- so don't need to seek validation here.

Just don't go.

If it means a lot to your mum and you have a good relationship with her then go.

@Oooohbehave

If it means a lot to your mum and you have a good relationship with her then go.

Why is that more important than Op's wish not to go being respected?

They are both adults & should be able to have a good relationship without Op having to do what her mum wants!

I didn't go to either of my grandmothers funerals.

My paternal grandmother and I were very close, but because one of my younger cousins (whose father abused me as a child) actually threatened to hurt/kill me in front of my then young daughter, if I "dared to show", I refused to attend for that reason. I knew that my grandmother wouldn't have wanted me hurt/my daughter frightened, so I said "goodbye" my own way.

My maternal grandmother went NC with my mother, wrote one of her sons out of her will because he refused to dance to her tune any longer (re: DIY, driving her everywhere because she'd always refused to learn how) and "had already had his share" because of a loan he'd paid back in full decades earlier, ruined the Christmasses she spent with us when my son was very young (she told him, aged 3, when he was excitedly telling her what Santa had brought him in his stocking, that Santa is a lie...) and because when she went NC with my mother - she also did so with my children and myself. My share of her will was donated to charity, and my children and I spent the day of her funeral doing fun stuff which I know she would have hated.

Both times I was told that my children and I "really ought to go" - but why? As another poster has pointed out: funerals are for the living, they don't bring the closure that people rhapsodise about them so doing, and if you harbour any feelings of "I refuse to be related to the dead person because they were shitty people!" - then do what you want to do, @FuckPolitenessSSDGM. Do what is best for you. Your siblings and mother will either understand, or they won't... but they will get over it.

@Annasgirl
There is only one point - the man was vile to his grandchildren, why on earth should she go to his funeral?

Sorry if my post was too complicated for you.
I totally agree if this was just her and him than she should not go if she felt that was her preferred option. In fact I am also saying if she really doesn't want to go she still shouldn't.
But, this is not just about him and her. Her Mum and siblings want her to go.
if she does go it will be for her Mum and too support her.
The OP should be aware that this decision should not be based on just her Grandfather and that side of his family- they mean nothing- but rather on her Mum, who will have suffered most and how the OPs her abscense may effect her.