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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To want to go back to work!

71 replies

schafernaker · 04/11/2020 10:59

I gave birth to our 2nd DD in the height of lockdown. We’ve had a lovely 6 months at home, along with 2 year old toddler, but with a 2nd lockdown starting I’ve suggested to DH I go back to work soon. The plan was initially to not go back until March/April time. I’m a little worried about my own mental health with only the 2 of them for company and with DH working long days.

I’m a key worker so I can’t imagine it’ll be a problem wanting to go back, probably part time initially, my boss is really quite supportive. DH isn’t keen and is citing childcare as an issue, again we can get them both into nursery to cover these days as DD is already there and I know they have space.

My mum has given me the ‘I know what it’s like being at home with kids’ talk this morning, but doesn’t seem to accept that the issue isn’t the kids, it’s being locked down.

Everyone seems to think it’s a bad idea, but I can’t see how if I manage to negotiate part time, we have always been very happy with the nursery DD1 goes to so I’m happy leaving DD2 there.

Is anyone else feeling similar? I mean I know work is going to be crazy, but I need something outside of baby talk, toddler crafts abs CBeebies

OP posts:

EugeniaGrace · 04/11/2020 12:38

I get it. I went back part time at 9 months with my second after the first lockdown ended. In my case dh took shared parental leave but if he hadn’t I would have put her in nursery. I missed adult conversation too much.

EugeniaGrace · 04/11/2020 12:40

And yeah, if your dh feels strongly about not using nursery he can reduce his hours or use his leave to look after your dc, even if only for a few weeks or a month.

Phineyj · 04/11/2020 12:42

Time to ask your DH why he's holding you to a higher standard than himself, I think. I think getting back into work now is a good idea. Who knows what the economy will be like come the spring. Also, if your DH is a teacher then covering Xmas is not such an issue.

MustardMitt · 04/11/2020 12:49

I always find it annoying that it’s considered acceptable for a dad to work full time but not the mum.

OP, I was back at work 8 months after my kids were born, I had fully intended to stay off a year but I was bored to tears. They’re 11 now and have no memories of private nursery at all, and barely any from pre-school. I was completely happy for them to go full time (although I did drop a day to part time because I was exhausted!) and never felt any guilt. I’m as important as my children. My mental health shouldn’t suffer for the minuscule mainly unproven benefits of being at home with mum until school age.

olivesonapizza · 04/11/2020 12:49

I'm also on maternity leave with DD2 and I have felt similar OP. I'm completely gutted about how it has all worked out, I was so looking forward to having this time off with my baby and it obviously hasn't been as I imagined.

As it happens I won't be going back to work earlier because logistically it doesn't work out with the childcare arrangements for DD1, but if it weren't for that I'd strongly consider it. YANBU at all.

Also one of the best things about the introduction of shared parental leave is that we can now threaten our husbands with it I've played that card a couple of times...

MustardMitt · 04/11/2020 12:50

And yes I think you should ask why childcare is just your responsibility. Maybe he should drop his hours or arrange them round the children. Why is it only you’re expected to do that?

LannieDuck · 04/11/2020 12:59

I agree that you do what works for you.

If DH wants LO at home for longer, he can facilitate that himself (going PT / parental leave / career break / whatever).

DaddysGirlForLife · 04/11/2020 13:05

YANBU.

DanceWMe · 04/11/2020 13:11

It sounds better for everyone - your kids will have way more fun playing with their friends at nursery than being home with a parent who would rather be at work.

olivesonapizza · 04/11/2020 13:26

It sounds better for everyone - your kids will have way more fun playing with their friends at nursery than being home with a parent who would rather be at work.

An absolute masterclass in appearing supportive whilst actually having a bit of a dig, excellent work

potter5 · 04/11/2020 13:31

I went back to work full time when my son was 2 months as my husband had been made redundant. I was lucky, I had a brilliant childminder.
Don't feel that either me or my son missed out.

MistressIggi · 04/11/2020 13:36

If I could be at home with my dc during a pandemic I would much prefer that. Work for many people is not what it was before this all started. If you are sure that your role will still make you happy to be at work, and aren't worried about any vulnerabilities to Covid, then go for it.
You'd still be in the time frame for shared parental leave surely?

ChocoholicMama · 04/11/2020 13:54

Just throwing an alternative in which is booking some as hoc nursery sessions (assuming finances allow) to give you some space but not needing to return to work early. Doesn't help much with lockdown though as you're still getting limited adult interaction. Ultimately you do what's right for you... the baby will be just fine in nursery at six months if you decide to go back part time. I'd def make DH squirm a bit though by suggesting shared parental leave

QforCucumber · 04/11/2020 14:01

Exactly the same situation here OP. I've been thinking of returning early just to get some adult conversation its madness. Ds2 is almost 5 months and if it weren't for the fact he will not take a bottle at all I think I'd have planned my return. As it stands I'm looking at heading back to the office on the 1st of March but I can truly see that being sooner. DS1 was in full time childcare from being 9 months and now at 4.5 is thriving in reception. I'll be returning 5 days a week and the other main thing putting me off is this is my last maternity leave so I feel like I'm 'supposed' to be enjoying it

WhereamI88 · 04/11/2020 14:27

Go for it, OP. If he feels so strongly about not putting kids in childcare, he can take the time off and take care of them himself. I would hate to be alone all day with a toddler and baby. For what it's worth, I was apparently sent to nursery at 3 months old full time, it was the norm then where I'm from. I'm not traumatised nor do i remember it and it enabled my mum to go back to work and build a business with my dad. Given that same business paid for my private tutors and university degrees, I'd say it was a good decision.

Original poster

schafernaker · 04/11/2020 14:52

@DanceWMe you’ve obviously not had a baby in the middle of a global pandemic. 🙄

Nice to hear I’m not the only one finding it difficult, makes me feel less bad about thinking it might be a good idea! Have just spoken with my boss and there has been a suggestion of a few mornings to see how I feel about it and then can make a decision.

Will make DH sweat later though 😂

OP posts:

sunset900 · 04/11/2020 16:06

I went back to work part time when my youngest was 5 months, full time from 12 months. I'm a much happier, and better mum when that isn't all I am and my DD seems to only have benefited from that.

cptartapp · 04/11/2020 16:39

I put DC1 into nursery pt at four months and DC2 at five months, many years ago. I felt 100% better for going back to work. I didn't enjoy mat leave at all. My DH no more wanted to be a SAHP than I did.
Nursery fees equalled the equivalent of my salary for nearly three years but 18 years on it's the single best decision I ever made. I maintained my skills and mental health, and my pension is great.
And we're all bonded well enough.

lanthanum · 04/11/2020 17:25

Do what's right for you. Maternity leave must be so different this year - with no toddler groups, you're getting no adult company, and the children aren't getting to mix with others either. Part-time nursery might do you all the world of good. You have to do what's right for you - and for these strange times.

I'd also second the suggestion of shared parental leave, if DH isn't so sure about nursery.

Doing a few KIT mornings/days sounds like a good way to see how it goes, if you can work the childcare for those.

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha · 04/11/2020 17:28

It’s entirely up to you! Your baby will be fine either way, and no one should try to force or pressure you into being a SAHM.

My DS was in nursery from 7 months and settled much better than DD who went at age 1 (almost exactly).

Woui · 04/11/2020 17:29

Do what is best for you.

DC went to nursery part time at 6 months. I got me back and they got a happier mum.

Never felt guilty.

PlanDeRaccordement · 04/11/2020 17:33

Go for it. All mine were in nursery at 2 months old while I went back to work FT. Going back PT seems more than reasonable to me.

Original poster

schafernaker · 04/11/2020 20:03

Perfect thank you for all the supportive comments, great to know I’m not alone feeling that a work is important for my own mental health. ☺️ Going to broach the topic again with DH once the kids have both settled

OP posts:

cptartapp · 04/11/2020 20:56

Remember you don't have to ask his permission. He shouldn't expect you to do something he wouldn't be willing to do himself.

Daphnise · 04/11/2020 21:00

If you so need to get away from the children you've had, then no doubt it's best you do.

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