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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is careless?

62 replies

PegasusReturns · 04/11/2020 10:55

I’m doing a bit of online Christmas shopping and I’ve realised that so much of what I buy DH is to replace stuff that he has lost/damaged.

The watch that was left beside the pool on holiday; the jumper that was shoved in the tumble dryer; the guitar that were left in the garden and not retrieved before it was damaged; the whiskey glasses that are out in the dishwasher and go cloudy...

It’s an endless list of stuff that has been lost or damaged. On the one hand it means I don’t need to think too hard about gifts but I find the carelessness dismissive. AIBU or is it normal for people to be so laid back about belongings?

OP posts:
Original poster
PegasusReturns · 04/11/2020 22:29

Buying someone expensive things they don’t want so you can monitor it’s use, and berate the giftee if it doesn’t meet your standard is a horrible thing to do

I don’t think expecting an adult to not leave their Rolex by the side of a pool is particularly horrible 🤷‍♀️

And to be clear, he likes nice stuff. He just doesn’t want to look after it.

OP posts:
pigcon1 · 04/11/2020 22:33

Once you have given the gift it is out of your hands, I’d be much more annoyed if DH broke something of mine or ours but his own stuff he has full responsibility for..

KooKooKachu · 04/11/2020 22:47

@PegasusReturns

I replace them because it’s traditional to buy gifts to celebrate birthdays/Christmas he’d be careless with whatever I bought, replacements or not.

It just feels disrespectful somehow, like he knows I’ll be responsible for replacing whatever had got damaged so he doesn’t have to bother.

If it feels disrespectful to replace stuff then don't do it?

PP asked if you replace his things, where is his incentive to look after his stuff. You go on to say he knows you will be responsible for replacing it so he doesn't have to bother. Then you say it feels disrespectful that he damages the things you buy.

So where is his incentive to look after his stuff? Why are YOU responsible? Did he tell you, you are? And even if he did, surely you could tell him to sod off. I think if it makes you that unhappy, then just stop.

KooKooKachu · 04/11/2020 22:49

Gift him a 25 meter roll of bubble wrap. He could use it to wrap his possessions in so they dont get damaged. And if he ends up popping it all instead, no harm, no foul Wink

Original poster
PegasusReturns · 04/11/2020 22:55

@KooKooKachu I find it disrespectful that he ruins stuff not disrespectful I have to replace it.

It’s not just his stuff either: he’s ruined plenty of my stuff/household stuff.

OP posts:
somelemons · 04/11/2020 23:00

My DH is careful with his own belongings (aside from watch straps, which he breaks on a frequent basis), but is careless with everything else. I've lost count of the things of mine he's damaged or smashed over the years.

KooKooKachu · 04/11/2020 23:04

@PegasusReturns could you ask him to replace your broken things? That is disrespectful if he is ruining your stuff and not reimbursing you or replacing said items. Definitely do not replace his stuff that he has wrecked.

MintyMabel · 04/11/2020 23:21

Although if he doesn't cae about something enough to look after it-why replace it?

Because he isn't 6 years old?

switswooo · 04/11/2020 23:25

YANBU, I find waste abhorrent.

I think you're partly enabling him by clocking all the destroyed/lost things and replacing them like Father Christmas.

He might care more if he has to physically purchase them himself.

Get him a Oxfam goat different thing for Christmas.

switswooo · 04/11/2020 23:26

@MintyMabel

Although if he doesn't cae about something enough to look after it-why replace it?

Because he isn't 6 years old?

Surely him not being 6 years old is a reason for OP not to benevolently replace everything?
monkeymonkey2010 · 04/11/2020 23:30

It just feels disrespectful somehow, like he knows I’ll be responsible for replacing whatever had got damaged so he doesn’t have to bother.
It’s not just his stuff either: he’s ruined plenty of my stuff/household stuff

That's cos it IS disrespectful - and wasteful.

I don't know why yo're complaining when you clearly enjoy him taking the piss out of you and treating you like his mum.

IfIHadAHeart · 04/11/2020 23:52

What happened to the Rolex?

Original poster
PegasusReturns · 05/11/2020 15:06

@IfIHadAHeart never seen again.

That was not replaced by me.

Re my stuff I tend to have more money to replace my own things than he does.

OP posts:
WellQualifiedToRepresentTheLBC · 05/11/2020 15:12

My dp is a gift giver by nature. It makes me cringe a little bit sometimes because imo her spends far too much on things for me and DS, which I always feel is a waste simply because I am not a very materialistic person and I don't feel I get as much joy from "things" as he does.

But you better believe I would NEVER be careless with anything he gives me.

Because its his way of showing love and even though he protests that he wouldn't be upset if I lost or broke a gift, still, I would just be mortified. Gifts from a loved one are symbols of love, full stop.

So its a yanbu from me. If I were a gift giver type of person, I'd be extremely hurt.

workhomesleeprepeat · 05/11/2020 15:51

My ex was like this but worse - and worse still saw no problem with abusing my belongings as well - goodbye to my precious silk scarf used to clean his bike! Angry

No solutions or answers OP but I empathise!

user1471538283 · 05/11/2020 15:55

He can be careless because it gets replaced! Accidents happen but these are not

Cocomarine · 05/11/2020 16:03

It’s rather spoilt to decide new whisky glasses are needed just because they went cloudy in the dishwasher. I’d wait until he’s broken the full set before bothering about those. 🤷🏻‍♀️

FML though, wish I could afford to leave a Rolex lying around and losing it not being enough to make me change my ways! 😳

Whatisthisfuckery · 05/11/2020 16:06

Oh my good fuck, he left a guitar in the garden? I think I might actually do real damage to someone if they did that to any of mine. I’m hoping it was only a cheep nasty one OP. I don’t like people much but guitars definitely have feelings.

june2007 · 05/11/2020 16:10

So thisguitar that was left out, did you know it was left out?

Original poster
PegasusReturns · 05/11/2020 16:14

It’s not that I deliberately replace everything as soon as it’s damaged, more it gets towards Christmas/birthday/anniversary and I think oh he no longer has a camera because he broke it so I’ll buy him a camera.

@june2007 yep I knew the guitar was in the garden

OP posts:
Elsewyre · 05/11/2020 16:16

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I don't get the people saying that he has no need to care if he just gets them replaced. It's not comparable to a careless child. Even if OP and DH keep finances separate, so it isn't family money buying the replacements for broken/lost things.

If he's getting them for birthday or Christmas presents, surely he would realise that he could have had additional nice things, as well as the earlier ones, if he'd looked after them. It's hardly the most exciting thing to receive special presents which are identical to last year's, so you end up with one special present for two Christmases instead of two lovely things.

Not everyone is so materialistic.
Elsewyre · 05/11/2020 16:17

@Cocomarine

It’s rather spoilt to decide new whisky glasses are needed just because they went cloudy in the dishwasher. I’d wait until he’s broken the full set before bothering about those. 🤷🏻‍♀️

FML though, wish I could afford to leave a Rolex lying around and losing it not being enough to make me change my ways! 😳

Insurnace?
june2007 · 05/11/2020 16:29

So you knew the guitar was there but you left it? You don,t think you could have just brought it in?

picklemewalnuts · 05/11/2020 16:40

Are there things he does look after?

I lost many things when I was a child, and was constantly berated for it. I lost my own special things that I'd saved long and hard to buy, as well as boring things like umbrellas.

It was like a switch went in my head when I was about 17, and suddenly I was able to keep track of things.

I still struggle with certain elements of self organisation though.

Could he try harder? Does he care?

user1493494961 · 05/11/2020 16:45

I would just buy him cheap stuff.