To ask what is going on and whether it could work ?

[lisalisa]

To ask you what is going on and whether this can work ?
Please be gentle . I’m posting here for traffic but I’m very confused and fragile . I’ve been divorced 3 years after a 27 year marriage . During most of those years there was no physical relationship and I threw myself into looking after my kids ( mainly teens but also a 10 ye old ) after the divorce and was not looking for a man .
Then I met someone online and from the very beginning we hit it off and seemed compatible in all respects . He lives on the other side of the world and timings are hard and I’m quite exhausted from hours on the phone at odd times during the day and night .
We can talk about anything .
He intends to sell his business and was in the middle of doing so when we met . Has been divorced 3 times .
For various reasons I know his grown up kids who live here vaguely. His plan befire he met me was to come to the UK to retire ( I’m 55 and he’s 65) so timing is perfect ( Corina has thrown a bit of a spanner in the works as he wanted to come before end 2020 but who knows if he’ll make it here then now .
He talks of marrying me . Born of us do . It’s that strong yet we’ve known each other only 4 weeks .
My problem is thst this has turned very sexual and I find myself doing and saying things I would never in a million years have done 4 weeks ago . It is getting more and more intense by phone and going further and further .
Because I’ve been out of the dating scene for decades I don’t know if this is normal or if he may be using me from miles away for gratification. In the beginning we talked about other things too but he was always flirting and quite openly would admit he’s flirting but now we talk about almost nothing but this intense physical desire for each other .
It can’t honestly be love after 4 weeks so is this just lust ? Has anyone had relationships that went this way and worked or should I reconcile myself to the fact that he may never get here or have any real intention to marry me but is letting it go further and further as it’s too exciting . Already I can see he’s not a bad man and not misleading me purposely but he does get over e excited and say things he doesn’t then do or carry out .
He also constantly talks about his long marriage and fact that ex hated sex and that’s why he’s a bit over the top with me to try to reassure himself that this time it’ll be normal . He does constantly talk negative about his dx but usually in the area of sex .
I’m just confused as this man literally has hypnotic power over me - I lose myself in our conversations until my head swims and I don’t want to fall further in love with him if this is all a farce .
He sends me flowers and links to love songs and professes undying love but I’m so confused

Suppose he has taped the phone sex and is providing the conversation to others? Suppose hr asked you to do something shady and threatens to share the tapes and emails if you refuse?
Wealthy men do not need to find wives online. According to you he has found three already and they were all unsatisfactory. You need to focus on yourself your self esteem, your independence, your pride, your family instead of this fantasy con artist. Then find a man you can see in person, hold hands with, have dinner with, and who you are not ashamed on introducing to your family.

i'm going to say the same thing the majority of other posters have...

This is gonna end in tears, and it won't be him crying...

You don't know this guy from Adam. You can't believe anything you've been told. He's future-faking, love-bombing, and now you're having internet sex with him and indulging yourself in this fairy-tale idea of marriage and spending retirement with this 'wealthy' man. He's chatting shit about his ex-wife and how she was crap in bed/or didn't put out enough to pressure you into 'not being like her'. You're saying that your 'head is swimming', and it's 'too intense', and yes, you're right: all this is way too much too soon and you need to stay away.

As harsh at it sounds, he might end up blackmailing you via screenshots and dirty videos. You might already be this weeks' 'housewives' choice' on some skanky porn site. He could be a weirdo and stalk you or abuse you in some way and you might not feel able to go to the police because of the online wanking you've been doing. There's a million scenarios I can envisage, and none of them end with 'happily ever after'.

sorry if I alarmed you or made you feel worse: I didn't read page two and jumped right in. I must 'RTFT' in future.

I have a friend who is in the US. Very wealthy but very needy. This is why he found his first wife online who married himwithin 6months and then left when their child (conceived before the wedding) was 2. He has been dumped by every woman since, for the same reason.

He love bombs but from a genuine place. He isnt abusive but doesnt have the emotional maturity to wait for a relationship to develop naturally (if it wasnt for the age, I would wonder if it was the same guy!) He proposed to his last Gf (fiancee?) on their third date. She left a couple of months later.

He doesnt understand why, because on paper he is a real catch. But he will not understand that going in full force and then being pissed off when the woman is not on the same page as him is a massive turn off. He isnt in love imo, just wants to be and latches on to the latest woman who will spend time talking to him.

Oddly enough, he spent a few months love bombing me and when I wasnt interested we became good friends (met through someone else) and seems to have more respect for me than he did for his (then) fiancee because I said no!

Short version.....run away.

People can come up with

'maybe he is a spy'
'maybe he is really Trump'
'maybe he has 3 wives'
'maybe he is a drug runner with a side business in porn'

Which is just as ridiculous and immature, OP just needs to stop

@lisalisa.

I think that you felt enough unease to post for others perspectives shows you're not a fool. Recognising that something was amiss after 4 weeks shows that a part of you was paying attention,this kind of man is an expert in his game. You've done well to escape early.

Be proud and be gentle on yourself.

It's not as nice,and not as romantic. as Sleepless in Seattle.

@HollowTalk

Four weeks? Three divorces? Two different continents? One massive mistake! Don't do it!

^ This. Plus the age difference, he's retiring and you'll presumably still be working, is he going to end up living in your house and expecting you to support him financially and as a way to get a visa to live in your country. I wouldn't touch this with an exceedingly long barge pole.

I have been in this situation a few times, with a few men online, several years ago. I did meet most of them.
I was single and a lone parent, and I was very lonely.
Once I met up with whichever man it was, there was absolutely no spark, not the slightest feelings of what I had felt when talking online and on the phone with them. I never saw any of them again. I would miss the contact and it felt as though an actual relationship had ended, due to all the hours and hours of time spent talking over weeks. It just intensified the loneliness for me.
I would end up getting almost high from the contact with the other person before we met, and then after meeting and realising there was no spark or attraction for them, I would become very very depressed for days.
I finally realised that something was missing in my life, and I was trying to find it online, and then getting carried away with it all. It gave me some much needed excitement in my dull life, and I felt flattered that I was being given attention, compliments and the rest. I felt alive and sparkling.
It seemed so unreal, and as I was usually exhausted having stayed up for hours chatting, I too felt as though I was hypnotised, as you said.
I also found myself sending pics and talking dirty, as all the men, very early on, started becoming suggestive. I did not like what I was doing. It was certainly not me, but I wanted to keep the other person interested in me, and so sadly went along with it. I would always feel bad about what I was doing, however.
I know it sounds dreadful, but I was so lonely and having a very bad time in reality. It was escapism for me, I later realised.
As stupid as it sounds, I thought the other person would fall in love with me, and everything would be perfect.
These men I met, all wanted something sexual, firstly online, and then in reality. They all had partners, and children, as I would later find out.
The lies they told were amazing. I can laugh now, but at the time, I was devastated.
Once they got what they wanted, and often they did not, they would have no more contact with me. I also found out that some of them were chatting with other women.
Why not try having no contact for a few days? Catch up on sleep, rest and relaxation. You may see this whole situation in a very clear and different way.
Please think carefully about what is happening here.

Again I want to thank you all for your insights and gentleness. @FullMoonBlues this is exactly what has happened to me . The loneliness and drudgery chased away by the sparkle and excitement and as you said the high of the intensity band feeling of being loved . I realise now that the whole thing is either fake ( I didn’t even consider that he may still have aside although am pretty sure not ) or that it was done on his side just for the sex

Having been up half the night - I truly am so exhausted that I feel ill - his texts started comjng in around 4am my time - usual intimacy stuff . I texted him back something along the lines of “ hi , just like to keep our talk really light for time being with no talk of sleeping together or sex if that’s ok as I feel this has gone really far quickly and let’s just chit chat and get to know each other - daily lives , thoughts , what each other is doing etc “. Surprise surprise no response yet although he’s read the text

OP there is a positive in all this.

He’s online. The great part about knowing someone online only is that you can hit the block button and poof, he’s gone, never to be seen or heard of again.

Don’t panic about the pictures. What’s done is done and chances are he won’t do anything with them.

But don’t even engage with him any more. Not even to say you want to know each other more, because you know it doesn’t take much for him to pull you back in. If you want to get away from this you need to block him and never speak to him again.

From saying that you’ve told him you want to keep things light it’s obvious that while you’re saying you get it, there’s a part of you which still hopes it’s not true and that there really is a chance for you two.

There really, 100% isn’t. He’s been divorced three times. Why on earth would you want to be number 4.

You need to ghost this bloke now

@CandyLeBonBon

'He's very sensitive'

Yes. Hell reel you in and then turn on you over every slightest thing and you'll be on eggshells.

That's my interpretation of her words.

He's already pushing you further than you're comfortable. You are literally putty right now.

Please stop it. The guy is bad news.

Yep

Why don't you just try to sleep. Get some decent rest to clear your mind from him. You don't have to talk to him at 4am. Most normal people would understand if you just didn't answer because, you know, it's the middle of the night where you are

I'm so glad you've seen the light a bit op. Just try and take that one step further and just block him. He's the other side of the world, he can't get to you.

Please please don't beat yourself up over this. As you said, this whole liaison has been attractive because you were feeling bruised. It helps not one bit if you start beating yourself down because you responded to compliments and wooing and the prospect.

This is a good article to read:
victimfocusblog.com/2020/06/30/dr-jessica-taylor-explains-the-real-reasons-why-you-cant-spot-grooming-behaviour/

He sounds really awful.

Step away, then block.

He doesn’t love you, he wants free interactive porn.

I've been in a very similar situation so I can sympathise. Don't be surprised if once you pull back from the sex stuff he either ghosts you or turns nasty. There are so many red flags, for instance the way he talks about his ex wife who didn't like sex, so he wants to make sure it'll be "normal" this time. I.e. if you don't want to have loads of sex with him, you are abnormal.

This bloke is a narcissist. You need to start the process of ghosting him, reply less and less until he loses interest. I would worry about blocking him out of the blue since he has your photos and videos.

Stay strong OP. It's so hard not to be pulled into sex chat especially with a manipulator.

Slight warning though, what you might find now is a little bit of chit chat, and then a suggestion of sex talk with a very quickly followed 'oh I'm so sorry, I forgot you dont want to do that right now so I really shouldn't be so suggestive, but you're so beautiful........' another way if manipulating you into feeling guilty and special etc

So sorry OP but this is sadly really common with men online and you’re not the only one to get caught out. After I split with my husband I was low and lonely and I talked to all sorts of men online like this, it made me feel excited and wanted at the time but awful in the cold light of day. I met a couple of them and they were the sort of people you would never have considered in real life - unattractive or not who they said they were or with all sorts of problems - physical/sexual/drugs/crime. I also fell for someone who looking back was so obviously a scammer, luckily I realised before it was too late.

It’s a sad fact but a lot of men go online to find a woman because they wouldn’t stand a chance in real life. It’s easy to hide behind a screen and say all the things a lonely woman wants to hear and it’s very easy to fall for it. I don’t think all of them are bad people, some are just lonely and fucked up and want the comfort of virtual sex but there are those who will take it further and use it to their advantage - unfortunately your guy sounds like one of those.

It’s really hard to walk away from but you need to protect yourself - at worst you could end up in over your head, at best you’ll carry on feeling cheap and grubby.

Agree with previous poster. While I wish you could just block this creep today, you don't want to piss him off because he has videos. Make him grow bored. Don't ever be available. To be frank, OP, you can't be trusted not to get sucked in. You've given your head a small wobble, but you are still vulnerable.
Switch your phone to silent. Get some sleep. Leave a gap of at least 3+ hours to answer. Never be available for a real chat. Tell him lots of mundane things. Give it 3 days of boring the arse off him and watch him lose interest.

Morning OP,

Please don’t be too hard on yourself. You have seen him for what he is now. It’s not too late at all to step back completely and reduce all contact. If he can’t keep the contacts light and non-sexual that will tell you all you need to know, stop contacting him and block him.
You were vulnerable and that’s why you let your guard down, you are not alone in this, so many women have experienced the same thing.
Please be kind to yourself

It is so so so not looking good. Of course it could miraculously be for so far, everything says otherwise.

Firstly, what man has managed to remain rich after 3 failed marriages? And even more so, would genuinely want to be married again to someone he hardly knows after 4 weeks and risk losing even more.

This strikes of a liar at best, a con at worse, or a very unstable man in between. Sorry OP, not what you want to hear but at least you have enough doubts to come and post here.

worst case scenario: he trafficks you and rapes you.

No, that is not hyperbole. That's what happened to me. The fact that you talk about him being wealthy makes that a higher risk... "let me arrange for you to come over here and stay with me, I'll sort everything..."

Best case scenario: he uses you and fucks with your head so your real life falls apart because you're pouring all your time and energy into this fantasy.

Why would you want either?

Block him.