To struggle this much with having DS in childcare?

[mamajule]

Absolutely struggling with having 6 month DS in nursery. In a bind because I didn't have maternity leave, so got a new job but it started way earlier than I wanted. We moved here from
France when I was pregnant for DH to take a job opportunity, and had to give up my job. So I kind of had to find something.

DS was Ebf until nursery so is struggling hard with bottle refusal and is starting solids but its first stage weaning. Him not eating well is now causing so many sleep issues, before this he slept beautifully.

I am upset all day, and can't focus on work well. I miss him, and He is home loads sick. Husband is doing f-all but thats another story, assume for this situation I am a single mum.

I try and minimise his time in nursery, because I feel pretty bad about him being in there so young.

I feel all over the place. It feels so wrong him being where he is, I feel so short changed not having time off, I'm sleep deprived and can't think straight.

DH just thinks keep him in nursery for the full 10
Hours a day because he wants me earning as much as possible.

I am beyond stressed.

AIBU to feel like this, and would just accepting DS is fine to be in nursery? Can't really afford a nanny, and have no family here.

You'll never get the time back OP. Be with your baby if you can afford to.

6 months is very young to go all day with no milk whatsoever and potentially a few mouthfuls of food, no wonder his sleep has gone to shit and poor you too.

I have a 10m bottle refuser and I've taken the whole year off plus all accrued AL so won't be back until hes almost 13m - ill feel a lot more confident about leaving him with food and water then.

In all honesty, if you can afford to sack it off, i would. As PP said, you never get this time back and no one ever wishes they'd had less time at home with their babies.

Well he's shown his priorities hasn't he? To hell with the baby, lets have more money.
Follow your maternal instinct and if that means settling him into nursery slowly then so be it.
Just as importantly look after yourself. You have a lot of stressors at present; new country, new job, new baby and sleep deprivation.
You do not want to slide into post natal depression. Stick to your guns about doing things at your speed.

I'd move back to where you have family support as your husband isn't giving you any!

I was like you, I couldn’t do it. I took my child out of nursery and stayed home with him. 6 months was just too young. We’ve struggled financially but are still afloat, I’d rather be poor and spend time with my child at this early stage.

Can you get any remote/online admin type work you can do in the evenings? DS was in nursery one day a week from just under a year and that felt young, he loves it now though (2 soon) and if I ask him what he'd like to do today, he often replies nursery. Your husband sounds like an arse

Tell your husband where to get off if you don't want to leave your baby 10 hours a day. There's no way I'd do it.
Can you not claim tax credits and tell you husband you will go to work when you feel the baby is ready. Surely a lot of your wages must go on childcare anyway and if your child was ebf before he might be stressed and hungry and looking for comfort.
Do what you feel is best for your baby not what you feel you are being made to do x

Can you afford to stop OP? I struggled with a difficult to feed 11 month old, can’t imagine a six month old is any easier. I gave up after six months and the relief was overwhelming for all of us. DH was happy to have a wife and child who weren’t both constantly crying!

Would you consider a childminder? My ds went to a child minder at 5 and half months and settled well, moved him to nursery at 18 months, he was EBF and I carried on BF until he was over 3. We Co slept which helped us both

Husband is doing f-all but thats another story, assume for this situation I am a single mum

It isn't another story. It is a linchpin of this story.

I have a toddler in FT nursery who’s been there since 12 months old, so I’m definitely not against children going to nursery and I’m not in the ‘you’ll never get this time back’ camp. But I could never have done it at 6 months old, OP, with an EBF bottle refusing baby who’s only just started solids.

From what you’ve said in your post, your DH sounds like a delight. So you moved for his career, which deprived you of your maternity leave. And now he wants you earning as much money as possible while he also does fuck all to help with his child? I think you need to have a very serious chat but YANBU to feel the way you do.

Not the same situation but after I returned from maternity leave my DH was also very keen that I return full time, for money reasons. Which I did. I was and am the higher earner and he didn’t want the responsibility of being primary wage earner, but funnily enough the burden of housework and childcare still fell on me, and his job still came first. I ended up saying to him that I would either be the primary wage earner or the primary parent, but not both.

No advice but just wanted to say that I feel so sorry for you, your distress at this situation comes through so clearly in your post. Hope you find a way to keep your baby at home with you for a few months longer.

I would take him out of nursery and leave your job. It’s not fair on your baby or yourself.

I went back when DS was that age but was PT and teaching so have good annual leave. I used mix of childminder & MIL.

I used to work most days but not long days. I personally think 10hrs is too long. I wouldn't judge if you had no choice.

What about a childminder instead? It's more like being at home & less children.

I would also cut down your hours if possible. Poor baby sounds like he's missing you.

Ok- leaving aside the husband situation ( which sounds really tough)

I went back to work when mine were little (4 months/ 6 months ) Cos I wanted to.
They were fine - it is possible for babies this age to be fine not with mum.

What I did- which might work for you- is I had them at a childminder 9-4, then a student picked them up & brought them home so they weren’t out of the house for so long.
So- just to deal with the practical issue- could you work from home & have someone caring for baby at home for some/ all of the day so you can BF?
Realise this might not be practical financially/ depending on what kind of work you do.

But- the key thing is- if you are happy it is possible for baby to be happy at this age. But it sounds like your set up with husband pressuring you back to work is really unhelpful.

Can you afford to give up work for another 6 months? It makes a massive difference at this age.
If your dh is doing f-all and leaving It all to you. Make a decision.

Can you afford to give up work for another 6 months? It makes a massive difference at this age.
If your dh is doing f-all and leaving It all to you. Make a decision.

You'll never get the time back OP. Be with your baby if you can afford to.

Yay! Piling on the mum guilt in the very first response.

Mine were both in nursery 3 full days a week 7.30am - 6pm) from 4 months. Maternity benefits were less then and I just didn't have a choice.

What nationality are you both/do you need to work to pay for basic living/did DH tell you things would be different in order to get you to relocate.

Do what you feel is best for you and your child. Your husband sounds awful, suggesting a 6 month old EBF baby spend 10 hours a day away from mummy ☹️

But you're not a single mum, are you? You've got a "D"H who does fuck all. If you were a single mum I assume you wouldn't have moved country while heavily pregnant - you'd have family support and maternity leave. If you were single, you wouldn't have to consider that arsehole's needs and whims and preferences.

If you only "can't really afford a nanny" I'm assuming your husband earns quite well, which also means no tax credits as it's on household income.

He needs to start acting like a part of the family instead of Lord of the fucking manor, decreeing what and when and with whom you and your little baby spend their days but doing absolutely nothing to support you. If not, well....

I think 6 months is very young. I couldn't have done it with my little one. He started nursery when he was nearly 11 months old and that was hard too but I don't think I would have been able to cope emotionally if he'd only been 6 months. Listen to your maternal instincts, I think how you are feeling is totally normal.

Is there any possibility of finding a childminder instead? I went back to work after 6months as I also didn’t get maternity pay and had to get a new job. I felt very comfortable knowing my DS was in a homely environment rather than a nursery.

But you're not a single mum, are you? You've got a "D"H who does fuck all. If you were a single mum I assume you wouldn't have moved country while heavily pregnant - you'd have family support and maternity leave. If you were single, you wouldn't have to consider that arsehole's needs and whims and preferences.

If you only "can't really afford a nanny" I'm assuming your husband earns quite well, which also means no tax credits as it's on household income.

He needs to start acting like a part of the family instead of Lord of the fucking manor, decreeing what and when and with whom you and your little baby spend their days but doing absolutely nothing to support you. If not, well....