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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Working from home. Why am I being shouted at over this?!

49 replies

RLG1992 · 03/11/2020 13:35

So OH has Covid. We are both teachers. He is secondary and I'm special needs. He's been keeping to the bedroom and using separate toilet etc as I'm trying to avoid me and DS getting it.

I have 2 EHCP zoom meetings to attend today involving deputy head, parents and various specialists. I'd already texted my depth head to say I was looking after DS alone today so bare with me if I needed to sort him out and he was totally fine with this. Asked OH if DS got a bit fussy would he be able to chat with him from the stairs (stargate in between!)
OH flat out refused and went off on a rant and said I shouldn't be having to do this work from home because I'm off.
I pointed out that yes I'm off but I'm not ill so am expected to do some work, especially these meetings which are very important.

He said school aren't making reasonable adjustments and that I need to cancel.

I didn't cancel (obviously) meetings took an hour, DS was fine but now OH is in a huge mood about the whole thing.

AIBU??

OP posts:
TeenPlusTwenties · 03/11/2020 13:37

He is ill and stressed.
Yes he shouldn't have shouted.
But it is understandable.

Original poster
RLG1992 · 03/11/2020 13:38

*edit to add OH has very mild symptoms! I wouldn't ask him to check on DS if he was super poorly.

OP posts:
unmarkedbythat · 03/11/2020 13:41

This is one of those stressful and difficult situations where I think everyone needs to cut one another some slack. I wouldn't think much of your suggestion of chatting with ds from the stairs if I was dh, I wouldn't; think much of dh's grumpiness and rant about your employers if I were you. I wouldn't expect my dh to be at his best if he had covid, I wouldn't be at my best trying to manage all that. Don't make it some huge deal, move on, it's a hard time and few of us are being brilliant about everything.

firstevernamechange · 03/11/2020 13:41

I'd cut him a lot of slack over this. Having gone through Covid, for me the mental side was worse than the physical, very mild symptoms. Also, I'd be worried infecting someone even if chatting at a distance. If DH felt up to it and you have the tech a chat on Skype etc. might be better. Flowersto all of you.

Northofsomewhere · 03/11/2020 13:41

If it happens again I'd leave him to rant by himself (he can't follow you if he's behind the stair gate) and once he's calmed a little just explain that such meetings and non negotiable. He must understand as a fellow teacher that these things have to take place and that if you are able to work (ie not ill) then you have to attend via video conferencing. Even thought you're currently living separate lives in the same house you may occasionally need help with your shared child while socially distancing. Maybe even bring it up again this evening once things have settled and you can talk without your child there. Relate it to his work and some of the important meetings he would usually be attending if he wasn't self isolating with covid.

PlanDeRaccordement · 03/11/2020 13:41

So, were you working from home or on sick leave due to Covid isolation rules? Because I agree with your DH that if you were on sick leave, your work should not be requiring you to attend meetings/work.

The shouting was unreasonable on his part.

MrsWhites · 03/11/2020 13:42

Your DH was being very unreasonable, you are in the fortunate position that you are able to do some of your work from home and will therefore get paid whilst self isolating - he should understand this and be more supportive. Lots of people aren’t this fortune and will really struggle financially so basically he’s being an entitled and ungrateful arse!

Itsonlymakebelieve · 03/11/2020 13:44

Unless your DH is really unwell he is being unreasonable most parents mums have to get on with normal life as far as possible, even if socially distant, unless very unwell. Is he being a bit moany are you not giving him enough attention (in his opinion). I presume you had to self isolate at short notice and so already had these important plans in place.

sonjadog · 03/11/2020 13:45

He's sick and feeling grumpy. Let it go.

TheDowagerDuchessofMwwwahaha · 03/11/2020 13:45

Your DH is being a baby! He’s mildly ill, it doesn’t stop him speaking to a child.

And of course you have to work while you’re isolating if you’re not sick.

Has he taken time off to care for DS, and absolved you of all responsibility for caring for DS, even down to speaking to him, whenever you’ve been ill?

MommaLion87 · 03/11/2020 13:49

You need to look at how they are as a partner before the pandemic.
Are they a partner who shared the chores, shared the childcare, activities with the little ones?
The reason I ask if the way they are acting is out of character it could be the stress of the virus now in the household stressing them out.
If it is not, you need to talk with them in a calm manner and say you are both working from home , both jobs are important and you both need to look after the little one. Empathise on how it will only be for a short period and you can both get through it working together.

unmarkedbythat · 03/11/2020 13:53

What exactly would her dh chatting to a small child through a stair gate do? If the child got upset, her dh can't go and comfort them, op will still have to interrupt her meeting and deal with it. It doesn't matter how important op's meetings are- her plan was a daft one which would not have solved the problem of a child needing care, because the dh cannot provide it through a stair gate Hmm.

Thespottytortoise · 03/11/2020 13:56

I think to to entertain a small child that you can't touch, the other side of a stairgate is madness personally.

If WFH in self isolation with a child, there has to be an acceptance that children might gatecrash sometimes, and given your son is distancing from your husband, it's going to fall onto to you unfortunately. Perhaps put a favourite film on just before the meeting starts to minimise disruptions?

chrislilleyswig · 03/11/2020 13:57

You're not off sick are you. You're self isolating and therefore should be working

I get that OH is unwell but he's wrong about you being off

Difficult though.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2020 13:59

Yeah sorry OP but a bit unreasonable considering he's sick

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 03/11/2020 14:00

@unmarkedbythat Not necessarily. Lots if toddlers just need someone to talk at, someone to look vaguely interested in a truck, doll, dinosaur or to reassure them mummy will be finished soon and get whatever they want etc.

@RLG1992. He was being a twat & I'd expect a fellow reacher to know better, but if he's normally supportive & a decent bloke I'd just roll my eyes and move on. He's probably more scared than he's letting on. And maybe (this is a bit of a stretch, but would run through my mind) worrying about how you'd cope if he did end up very ill.

Hope he's better soon & that you & DS don't get it.

Hope your school & parents appreciate you.

(Did DH get it again school as far as you can tell?)

FortunesFave · 03/11/2020 14:08

What exactly would her dh chatting to a small child through a stair gate do? If the child got upset, her dh can't go and comfort them, op will still have to interrupt her meeting and deal with it. It doesn't matter how important op's meetings are- her plan was a daft one

This. 100%

Diverseduvet · 03/11/2020 14:12

I think as a teacher you are BU for thinking the expression is 'bare with me'Grin

RubbishRobotFromTheDawnOfTime · 03/11/2020 14:12

Self-isolating because you are in a household with or are a close contact of someone who's tested positive isn't being off sick. If you can work from home why wouldn't you?
However WFH with no childcare is hard (impossible I'd have thought, I don't know how people (women) have managed to do it). DH could have helped by reading DS a book or chatting at a distance. You can't just refuse to work from home at all purely because you're self-isolating.

Devilesko · 03/11/2020 14:14

Well one of you has to look after your child.
One is ill and the other wfh.
This isn't going away, many families are having to rethink their working situation.

Original poster
RLG1992 · 03/11/2020 14:16

Thanks for all your replies. DS is pretty chill and most of them when he gets upset when I'm doing jobs is because he wants to have a chat/show something etc and OH has been entertaining him on the other side of the door occasionally just to see him. Though you are right that if he'd had a meltdown he could have done anything really 😂
Tbf I am just exhausted. He is useless most of the time, I'm just tired and grumpy and this definitely isn't the worse thing he's done ha. It just comes across that my job is 'inferior' quite often. But yeah I do need to cut him some slack as he is ill!

OP posts:
Original poster
RLG1992 · 03/11/2020 14:20

@Diverseduvet

I think as a teacher you are BU for thinking the expression is 'bare with me'Grin
Haha sorry! Fast typing and fat fingers. Please 'bear with me' 😁
OP posts:
Carrotcakey · 03/11/2020 14:36

It has become apparent during the past 9 months that while women are expected to be able to look after their children while WFH or ill. Men are not.

My own family dynamic has regressed to the point where I am making myself ill by trying to do everything at home and work because my husband is apparently incapable of doing more than one thing at once and no one expects him to.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2020 14:38

@RLG1992

Thanks for all your replies. DS is pretty chill and most of them when he gets upset when I'm doing jobs is because he wants to have a chat/show something etc and OH has been entertaining him on the other side of the door occasionally just to see him. Though you are right that if he'd had a meltdown he could have done anything really 😂 Tbf I am just exhausted. He is useless most of the time, I'm just tired and grumpy and this definitely isn't the worse thing he's done ha. It just comes across that my job is 'inferior' quite often. But yeah I do need to cut him some slack as he is ill!
Well if he's useless most of the time then that is your problem and that's not OK
stackemhigh · 03/11/2020 14:53

Tbf I am just exhausted. He is useless most of the time, I'm just tired and grumpy and this definitely isn't the worse thing he's done ha. It just comes across that my job is 'inferior' quite often. But yeah I do need to cut him some slack as he is ill!

I thought this might be the case. He does fuck all and doesn't value your job. Are you even happy with him?

This will be corona top trumps, but DH and I had to both working even whilst we had the virus and our symptoms were pretty bad.