For saying my piece

[Unsuremover]

Some details changed so I can have deniability.

We are staying with a family member and have been for the duration of lockdown. They needed some help after an operation and when the writing was on the wall we ended our tenancy to move in. We offered to pay the bills and buy food (1 person compared to 5) but were asked to just pay the electricity and gas and pick up the house work. Fine.

Both adults worked throughout lockdown me from home full time dh 3 days in the office 2 at home. Kids all school age.

First 4 months was as expected. We fell in and tried not to get caught rolling our eyes. Examples bed linens washed on Monday, uniforms on Tuesday, household clothes on Wednesday. Undergarments must go in the tumbler dryer. Food must be low carb and evening meal consumed within 30 mins of getting home. Imagine how that played out during the lockdown. But I kept a weird inconvenient laundry schedule and make 3 evening meals. Family members cannot keep out of anything. Use this kind of hair brush, let’s all make sure our shoes are lined up, when you read to the children remember and have a drink. All well intentioned but I’ve been an adult 20 years and reasonable competent.

Anyway middle child has some additional needs and has had a bit of bullying. I set aside some time this weekend to spend some one on one time. Dh took the other 2 out of the way. Family member didn’t read the room at all and wanted to spring clean while the house was empty. I explained politely that we had plans (facilitied by me cleaning till midnight so we could). Then they set off into a ramble about house work being a great way to bond abs takes the pressure off. Middle child is sensitive and just wants to be liked so was genuinely upbeat about changing all the lining paper. Eventually family member went off to do their physio so we started the activity and it went really well. Middle talked about the bully at school and understood when I said that the child had a really shit life but it still wasn’t ok to bully. Family member came in, look at the craft and said something about “isn’t it wonderful what I have taught the children in this time” and “let me get some things so we can make it look good”.

I am ashamed to say I cracked and said everything I’ve been holding in. That what they were saying sounded like a compliment but I know it was designed to make us feel bad and they had wasted a day because they are so selfish they couldn’t waste the opportunity of free labour in favour of a child in pain. Tears. Then I said your crocodile tears don’t work on me. No tears but stomped off.

I don’t know whether I’m a horrible person or not. We are guests in their home so should follow their rules but they have been making little digs this whole time.

Plans are afoot to leave but there’s the little matter of the pandemic. I don’t really feel like apologising but should I?

It’s a novel, sorry if I’ve missed anything.

For the sake of living together peacefully is have to grit my teeth and apologise, all while trying not to choke on it, but I'd be making arrangements to move out ASAP.

I think your right. I don’t suffer from pride but I am really struggling to apologise this time. The dreaded Christmas was being planned before this kicked off too.

Are you planning on all living together forever or is this temporary?

A family of four have moved into someone’s home. I can imagine this being very difficult and the person saying things like “let’s all make sure our shoes are lined up” because all of a sudden there are so many more people and so many more things in their home! I don’t think that’s an unreasonable request and actually was asked quite politely.

They sound very over involved and set in their ways but nothing you’ve said that they said actually sounds offensive. I imagine it’s irritating but not mean.

Family member didn’t read the room at all
Again, this sounds really irritating but it’s hardly their fault that they’re not a mind reader. Next time explain to them that you need some time alone with your child.

YANBU - you moved in to help after operation. Was there an initial timescale in place that you were to stay?

Even as a guest, i would not expect my day to be mapped out for me. Like you say - you are an adult and have been for 20 years!

If it was me i wouldn't apologise for expressing your feelings however i would apologise for how you expressed them. I would convey that you appreciate they have allowed you to stay with them and that you hope you have helped following the operation. I would ask them if there is anything else you can do/contribute to whilst you are there - this would be their chance to outline their expectations and i wouldn't go above and beyond this.

Why do you say 'family member', why not just say who it is? What kind of help are you giving them?

Struggling to see why this was a good idea in the first place, good job you're leaving!

Right so you actually moved in to help them at their request? Can't stand people like this. I understand the 'my house my rules' to a certain extent as its important to respect a person's home but it seems like a power trip especially considering they only wanted you to pay electricity etc and not the rent.. Whilst it seems like a nice thing on the surface it could be so they feel that they have more of a say and an excuse to make all the decisions and rules... Free labour indeed. How dare you have a backbone because they are the homeowner and you are to do as you're told...not. You were right to say how you felt. You are an adult and it's seems you've been walking on eggshells. The family member should be more grateful and stop being so childish. It just seems like an ego trip because you don't have anywhere to go currently.. That doesn't mean you aren't equal. Also can't stand people who make these stupid bitchy comments rather than just coming out and saying if they have a problem and then playing the victim when you call them out on it...think you're better off moving when you can it's clear this person saw you as free labour and isn't prepared to compromise and be respectful of the fact you are an adult and a mother. If you stay you'll probably end up falling out for good. Not to say you don't care about this person. I love my mum but I couldn't live with her we would never speak again.

I live alone and the thought of four extra people moving in makes me shudder! I can completely understand new rules about shoes etc - four extra people's things in the house would make a hell of a difference.

YABU I’m afraid. Your in-laws will be gritting their teeth and suppressing eyerolls as much as you. You were bound to get on each other’s nerves. They’ve become unused to living alongside children and it’s harder when they aren’t yours.

I think you should apologise because although annoying, mo single thing she has done is really bad and your reaction was way OTT.

Can’t you rent nearby? You need space. I’d hate it in your shoes too, I do sympathise and I might have been equally unreasonable but it doesn’t make it right.

@pinkyredrose

Why do you say 'family member', why not just say who it is? What kind of help are you giving them?

Struggling to see why this was a good idea in the first place, good job you're leaving!

I'd put money on it being the MIL.

That’s what I thought, I knew I shouldn’t have lost my temper. I felt like a kid and suddenly realised I’m not and don’t have to take a telling off.

Drip fees re shoes though, they were in the children’s cupboard and not lined up school shoes x3, then trainers, then boots. We have nothing in the communal space all coats shoes bags stored in bedroom. But I get it there’s a lot of people for a long time.

It was their idea for us to move in. Our sale fell through so we were renting and they were quite insistent. they often host list of people but Obviously the pandemic no one saw on the horizon.

And I’m using family member cause it’s not as straight forward as MIL or brother and I didn’t want to get bogged down it that explanation. Although I should have just made something up I guess.

The desire for support after an operation is balanced by the fact that it helped you out when your move fell through, so only right that you've been balancing their eyerolling with a bit of tongue biting, but this is obviously a stressful situation for all and if you've only lost your rag once in all this time, I think you're doing pretty well. I would apologise in a generic way without getting sucked into a tearful melodrama, acknowledge the situation is non-ideal, say you're planning to move on once Covid permits and then get on with making that happen asap. A bit of shouting is hardly the end of the world, but it's time for you to 'read the room' too.

I think it goes both ways. But OP, this is the reason why I actively avoid sleeping over at peoples houses... (unless it's close family members/ friend who share similar housing habits to me Ha!) if I have to, it will be for a week and I'd be making arrangements to move out or live in a hotel.

It's very difficult because of the whole "my house my rules. I totally understand but there's nothing wrong than feeling claustrophobic inconvenient when you are living in someone else's home who is not particularly making you feel welcome or flexible regarding their housing arrangements. In any event, I would be looking to move out ASAP

I’m a bit confused by this—at first you make it sound like a situation of the house owner needing a live-in carer, then later on it sounds more like a situation of a temporary home for you between moves. Maybe a bit of both? But to me TBH it sounds more like the relative is doing you a favour than the other way around—if they needed temporary care then I’m sure they would much rather have just 1 person rather than 2 adults working from home, plus kids.

Assuming the relative is older, I don’t think they have done anything wrong—it’s their house and it’s difficult to adjust to lots of people wanting to live there and do things their way. It’s a bit much to expect them to change their weekend routine because you want to spend one on one time with your child—in that case you’d need to look at taking them out to a park. Obviously for you the living situation is not ideal, but it’s their house that you are all in and they are saving you a lot of money.

The only solution really is for you to get sorted with your own place ASAP, and if any caring responsabilities are involved, do them while living elsewhere.

YANBU it sounds like it was a long time coming. They sound hard work and like they’re not suited to living with others. Plus the fact they like to get over-involved in so many things. I would start liking for somewhere else to live, so you can move at the start of December

May or may not be looking at the opposite end of the country so I’m not being entirely reasonable.

I will apologise for my outburst and bite my tongue. One day I will not have to use specific coat hangers for types of garments.

Would have been nice to have been vindicated though and had people piling on to tell me I was right but I accept the judgment.

I think you've done what you needed to do immediately after their need arose and it is now time to move on.
I'm minded to think that your family member was in initial need of help and support, which you have gone to great lengths to provide and your family member may well have felt some loss of control of their life. This then manifested in the controlling of your own family's life.

If your family member is on the road to recovery then it's time for your family to move on.

You're clearly a very kind and compassionate person to have done what you did... it's time to focus on your own family now.

Good luck OP.

God you sound a barrel of laughs you sound very weird and quite OCD... Poor family member isn't a mind reader... Are you army? Strange household.....

Or maybe I've misread... If your family member imposed the daily rituals then their OCD... But it's their house and you over stepped the mark. You should have explained your intentions to avoid upset.

I don't think you are wrong there OP - if someone berated me for using the wrong coat hanger then I would have told them to shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

All sounds very wearing. Are you living with Hyacinth Bucket?

If your family member imposed the daily rituals then they're OCD
Let's not trot out the old 'they're OCD' shit @pawprincess. For a start someone someone HAS OCD, they can't BE OCD. Secondly it is a serious MH problem, not a lighthearted joke or an insult for someone who likes things done a specific way.

OP, I can completely understand why the last few months have been hard for you. Caring for a family member when they have so many house rules that seem non-sensical is tricky. I hope you can find somewhere of your own soon and can get back to your own rules.

They aren’t my rules. I did explain, at length, the plans for the day but it was in one ear and out the other.

I have apologised for my outburst and explained that I thought I’d made my plans clear for the day were. We’ve left it at all wells that ends well. They don’t want us to leave before the new year though which I cannot understand as they must be sick of us.

OP with the best will in the world this living situation will cause you no end of headaches if you stay til the new year ...I would be arranging a move sooner rather than later.

Tempers fray at the best of times, and these are not those. Let it go now and try and enjoy Christmas and move out still as friends.

@Unsuremover she's OCD... Suck on it @LadyFidgetAndHerHandbag

She probably wants the company for Christmas x