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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Partner problems.

40 replies

Ace17 · 03/11/2020 05:30

Hi all .
I’m just wondering if there is any future for my partner and I. We have been together for about 9 months. But I’m still concerned it’s a bleak future.
He was married for several years and has a grown up son with his ex wife. They divorced nearly ten years ago and he moved out of the family home to a place of his own. He then met another partner who he was going to live abroad with but could not find it in his heart to move there because he missed his son too much and called it all off . He then moved back in with his parents. But then his ex wife found there home unmanageable struggled to pay the mortgage and bills. So she then has moved out of the family home and my partner has moved in . To keep the house running for the sake of there son who still lives there . I happen to think this is very sweet. But my only concern is that he is redecorating the whole house with his savings, the ex wife comes and go’s as she pleases, his always getting annoyed with how much the house is going to cost to fix and how nice he wants it to look to enjoy it but he’s not actually going to stay there because in a few years time when his wife has got on top of her debt she moves back in and he again moves out. So what is he really gaining from this.

OP posts:
seayork2020 · 03/11/2020 05:40

To me it comes down to you either want to be with him or not, It sounds all too complicated to me so if I was in the position (I am married so hypothetical for me) I would only stick to going and doing things or he stay over for a bit type thing (ie friends with benefits), I would mentally distance myself from all the extra bits and accept him for the person he is.

If I could do that fine if not I would not continue to see him.

MrsExpo · 03/11/2020 07:04

I assume he still has a financial interest in the house and so doing maintenance on it, regardless of who lives there, is in his interests. What he does with his money is hid business.

I think your issue here is the fact that he still seems to be maintaining a semblance of his old live with his son living there, his ex wife “coming and going as she pleases” etc. Where do you fit in to all of this and do you want to be part of this extended family set up?

ReneeRol · 03/11/2020 08:05

There's no future while he's still financially tied to his ex who is constantly turning up to his home, you're never going to be able to live together without her intrusive involvement in that scenario. He could buy her out of the house or sell and buy somewhere else if he wanted to be free of her.

His son is an adult. A partner with an adult child who's never leaving home would also put me off.

I'd leave him to it.

Original poster
Ace17 · 03/11/2020 10:14

Well yes he does have financial ties in the house as it is still in both there names as they thought this would be a easier solution if anything was to happen to either of them then there son can automatic gain on the house. What he does with his money is his business and I’ve never questioned that. I was just concerned with the fact that he’s putting everything he’s got into the home. Knowing that in a few years his ex wife wants to move back in once she’s got on top of her debts. So she moves back in with money in the bank and fully reconditioned home and he moves out. I can’t see what he is gaining and I think he’s being unfair on himself. He has explained they are incredibly good friends that they get on better now than they have ever done. They still buy Christmas and birthday presents for one another and she can come and go at her disposal. Like I repeat what is he gaining from all of this and is it going to be damaging on our future.

OP posts:
shropshire11 · 03/11/2020 10:20

This man has considerable baggage and existing responsibilities. They will always be there for the rest of his life. It doesn't make him a bad person in any way, and it doesn't make him unsuitable for a relationship.

But it does mean that if you want to be in his life long-term that you will have to accept that he will have other priorities - you won't be his 100% focus. What's fundamental is his sense of drawing boundaries around other responsibilities and managing them all.

It appears that you aren't happy with the way he is doing this at the moment. The only thing to do is to talk to him, understand where you would fit in long-term (e.g. whether it's his intention to disentangle from his ex-wife completely or not), and then make a decision.

user1493413286 · 03/11/2020 10:26

I’m totally confused by his logic and don’t really see why the way don’t just sell the house and make sure there is room at one of their homes for their adult son who after all is an adult and not a child. I’m struggling to see where you fit into this: it doesn’t sound like you could live together while he still lives on the house and when he does move out he walks away with nothing so what about your joint future? I don’t see their sons inheritance as a reason to do this especially as you never know what the money in the house may be needed for in terms of the parents future care

Livelovebehappy · 03/11/2020 10:29

You’re still very much in the honeymoon period of your relationship - 9 months isn’t long at all. If the situation is causing you so much angst now, once you settle into a proper long term relationship, it’s going to bug you even more. You either have to accept it in your mind and not let it bother you, or move on.

AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2020 11:03

His son is an adult though, yeah? Why is he moving back to baby sit a grown man? Does his son not work or contribute?

It sounds like a weird set up honestly, I'd run a mile

ReneeRol · 03/11/2020 11:18

Nah, he may as well still be married to her given how much she continues to be involved in his life. This is the reason why he hasn't found anyone to stick around for the last ten years.

If you want a man whose entire life revolves around an ex wife and adult son, he's perfect. If you want someone to build a life with, run.

YouKidsIsCrazy · 03/11/2020 11:23

IT's his house. He lives in it and owns it. How is it any of your business?

ZoeTurtle · 03/11/2020 11:26

My ex lived in a tiny studio flat and had no spare cash because he was paying the mortgage on his family home, giving his daughters as much stability as possible after the divorce. It was one of the things that I liked most about him.

Original poster
Ace17 · 03/11/2020 11:41

No he son doesn’t work. He has been signed off work with depression. He is a little naive to the world and has no connection with the outside world at all He won’t help around the home at all . He has a life of eating, sleeping when he feels like and lives on social media and gaming. And visits grandparents house where his mum lives for dinner. My partner still refers to him as small child when needing to get home to him .

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 03/11/2020 11:43

I think the way the son is treated is going to be as much an issue as the house to be honest

Original poster
Ace17 · 03/11/2020 11:43

Never said it was my business I admire him for doing what he’s doing. Just struggle to see what he is achieving for his future. Read my posts carefully and you would have read this and understood it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ace17 · 03/11/2020 11:45

I like this about my partner too. But it upsets me when he’s getting stressed about redecorating the house and how he’s going to do it.

OP posts:
YouKidsIsCrazy · 03/11/2020 11:49

Never said it was my business I admire him for doing what he’s doing

Yes you did and no you don't.
His house, his kid, his ex, his life. His future. Nothing odd here.

Original poster
Ace17 · 03/11/2020 11:51

Yes we are very much in our honeymoon stage and I do like to look forward to the future and see what’s in store like anyone does and is entitled to do so. But I sometimes think are we going to have one. No relationship comes with a lifetime guarantee I know that . And I just think with how society is we should at least make some security for our own lives but he’s so heavily invested in there’s and lost focus on his own. And this does worry me.

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 03/11/2020 11:54

Sounds like a lifetime commitment to his adult son as well as him, I wouldn't be up for that tbh, I'm not saying it's a bad trait I'm sure it comes from a good place but he seems like he's enabling his son to not move forward in life at all. I couldn't sign up for that tbh

ReneeRol · 03/11/2020 11:56

Why would you think there's any future? He allows his adult son to lie in bed all day and play games, he has no expectations of him ever doing anything with his life, he treats him like a child, his whole life revolves around enabling him.

That's incredibly toxic and dysfunctional. It's never going to change.

lunar1 · 03/11/2020 12:06

There isn't a future here, the three of them are so intertwined. Your future would be you fitting in around their dynamic. You should want more for your future.

Original poster
Ace17 · 03/11/2020 12:07

You seriously need to read my posts carefully. I have not at any point said that it’s my business. I’m fully aware it’s his kid his house and his ex state the obvious why don’t you. I’m just concerned if we have a future with this in place and I’m concerned when he’s getting stressed about how to make the home a better place that he can enjoy when he’s not going to be staying in it. Plus I also think I’m not entirely sure how cold and heartless you are in your relationships but when your in a relationship with someone there worries and concerns and happiness do become your business.

OP posts:
notalwaysalondoner · 03/11/2020 12:09

This sounds like you will never be a priority - his (adult) son and ex-wife will always come first. I agree about your financial concerns - if you were together for years and years he will have less to put towards you having a nice life as a unit because he has sunk it all in the house which his ex-wife is likely to enjoy in future. It's very odd to keep a joint asset after a divorce for this reason - it sinks too much capital into a shared asset that then if one or the other wants out and the other person doesn't it gets very complicated. I'd really have a proper conversation with him, not just about the house, but about how he would see this working financially and in terms of living together in 2, 5, 10 years and his responses will help you get a sense of where you are on his list of priorities.

Catsup · 03/11/2020 12:14

When he moved out before was that into a rental? If in a few years he moves out and ex-wife moves back in and you're still together do you think he'll be hoping to move in with you?

Seenobody · 03/11/2020 12:17

This is why a clean break divorce is preferred these days.

What a ridiculous situation that he is paying the mortgage (assume he is) and the ex wife will move back in ‘one day.’ How realistic is that?

I had to sell my beloved family home and downsize when I divorced and I still have pangs for it five years on but this story reminds me why it was best to do that even though exh and I tried to work out numerous ways to be able to keep it.

I’m not sure what it will all mean for you but the dependent adult son is not a plus point.

Catsup · 03/11/2020 12:23

And how will the ex wife afford to run the house in a few years if she can't afford it now? It all just sounds a massive ball ache for all concerned (apart from the adult son 🤨).

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